UFC 47: It's On - 04.02.04
by Scott Christ

At 9:48 PM, 12 minutes before the PPV broadcast was going to start, I realized I had no beer. So I run to the store, and what do you know, there are no less than three shitty little snotty little pissant wigger kids buying snack cakes and Mountain Dew. I hate those little bowl-cut SOBs. And I really wish "throwback clothing" wasn't fashionable so these dorks couldn't walk around wearing their dad's Tigers coat from 1981 and look like they belong in civilization. But anyway.

The pre-game hype show is frustrating as they try to tell me Tito's win over Elvis Sinosic was a big deal. They don't even mention that Tim Sylvia won't be on the show, instead choosing to just hype that fight anyway. At least run a crawl on the screen, jeez. You people are dirty businessmen.

Let's all congratulate the Michigan Wolverines for becoming the 2004 national basketball champions. GO BLUE!

Live on April 2, 2004 from the Mandalay Bay Events Center in Las Vegas, Nevada.

The Ortiz/Liddell video features some fun shit-talking.

Our commentators are MIKE GOLDBERG and JOE ROGAN. Joe calls Ortiz/Liddell the biggest grudge match in UFC history. Here's the Sylvia announcement, and here's Zuffa president DANA WHITE to explain that Sylvia still had traces of an anabolic agent "in his fat." That's pretty gross. Tim Sylvia has a pre-taped studio promo saying good luck to both, and hoping Cabbage wins so he can knock him out next time.

Please welcome DANNY SHERDIAN of USA Today to the broadcast. Dickhead Danny and his moustache are 7 for their last 8. Dickhead Danny picks Chuck Liddell, Robbie Lawler, Andrei Arlovski, Mike Kyle and Yves Edwards.

Here is BRUUUUUUCE BUFFERRRRRRR.

HEAVYWEIGHTS - MIKE KYLE (6-2-0, American Kickboxing Academy, Los Angeles, CA) v. WES SIMS (4-3-0, Hammer House, Lancaster, OH)
Kyle is 6'4", 229 and a former fullback from Eastern Oregon. Sims is 6'10", 259, and doesn't have that doofy-looking blonde dye job this time. He also took this fight on one day's notice. Kyle is listed at 10-2 on the television, Sims at 6-3, but I don't listen to them. Fight is underway, Sims throws a high kick that misses. Kyle tries a slam, but Sims uses his leverage and they grapple against the fence. Kyle stomps at Sims' foot. Sims goes down into his guard, trying for a guillotine, but doesn't get it. Sims tries an arm triangle, has it, but Kyle slips out pretty easily. Try again, not working. Kyle with rights in the guard. More shots to the body and he goes for a can opener. Sims looks bad at this point. John McCarthy stands them up, Sims can barely get up and has his back turned for whatever reason. Sims ducks a right, Kyle gets him in a muay thai clinch, knee, knee! Straight right against the cage, KO. (KO Lyle - 04'59" of the first round) Sims is mad. "That's bullshit, that motherfucker bit me!" And there is a bite mark on Sims' right pec. The decision stands, though. Kyle: "He's a dirty bastard, anyway. All the shit he's done." Kyle denies the bite. Weird opener, but this shit is always weird. This sport will never get above where it is because all these people are assholes. I love it.

Randy Couture will be back! Tanner-Baroni at UFC 48! Matt Hughes v. Renato Verissimo at UFC 48! Ken Shamrock v. Kimo at UFC 48! Boo!

Joe Rogan is ringside with CARSON DALY. Carson jokes about himself being there, decked out in Full Contact Fighter. His favorite fight(s) are Couture/Ortiz and Couture/Liddell. Mic problems.

Robbie Lawler is a pretty frightening dude.

WELTERWEIGHTS - NICK DIAZ (8-2-0, Cesar Gracie Jiu-Jitsu, Stockton, CA) v. ROBBIE LAWLER (7-1-0, Miletich Martial Arts, Davenport, IA)
The only time I saw Diaz fight was his last UFC fight against Jeremy Jackson. Lawler I've always found overrated, but he's really an insane hillbilly with dangerous power. Diaz throws everyone off by taunting Lawler right away. Diaz with a right, Lawler smiles. Robbie comes back and staggers Diaz. Diaz is just walking around with his hands low, which is annoying Lawler and me both. But it's also entertaining because he's both being a fun prick and could get drilled at any moment. Diaz taunts him again. OPEN-HAND SLAP. Lawler is amused, but Diaz rocks him with a left, and Lawler is no longer amused. His face just changed like a damn serial killer about to claim another victim. This is FUN. Diaz taunts AGAIN. Struggle against the cage, Lawler with a right and a jumping knee, but Diaz clears out. Diaz's nose is bleeding. High kick from Diaz is blocked, the round is over. First round to Nick Diaz in surprising fashion.

Second round underway, Lawler lands a stiff straight right hand. Lawler with a brutal body shot. Lawler starts throwing wild, and all of a sudden, BAM! DIAZ WITH A RIGHT! ROBBIE LAWLER IS KNOCKED OUT! (KO Diaz - 01'31" of the first round) Robbie can't believe it, and frankly, I can't either. I picked Diaz but I picked submission. Nick Diaz, the wonderful man, fixes his hair. I love this guy. Lawler is pissed but being a pro about it.

Tito Ortiz has arrived. Chuck Liddell arrived six minutes later.

Shamrock v. Kimo II at UFC 48! I SAID BOO! AND - Baroni v. Tanner II. Kill him, Evan.

Over to Mike and Joe, and here's a new feature: On the Mat with Marc Lamon. We're warned not to try this at home, it is merely educational. Tonight's lesson is the triangle choke. Furthermore, he's a clip from Ricardo Almeida v. Eugene Jackson at UFC 33 to further demonstrate it. Also, Matt Serra v. Kelly Dullanty at UFC 36. This thing is actually a good idea.

Joe is backstage with Robbie Lawler. He's still an overly calm crazy son of a bitch.

HEAVYWEIGHTS - CABBAGE CORREIRA (13-4-0, Grappling Unlimited, 265, Hilo, HI) v. ANDREI ARLOVSKI (5-3-0, 241, Minsk, Belarus)
Minsk is beautiful in the spring! Joe calls Cabbage "portly," which is nice. Mike calls Arlovski "sculpted," which is just accurate. Arlovski with a leg kick. Tentative striking from Arlovski, Cabbage is just stalking. Arlovski with a combination, Cabbage just smiles. Cabbage gets wobbled, Arlovski hits an uppercut, and Cabbage's ear is bleeding. Arlovski with leg kicks. Kicks, rights, and a high kick. NOTHING. Jesus. Uppercut, knee to the chin, this son of a bitch is just eating the blows. I mean, it's happened before with him against Sylvia, but my god. First round is over, Arlovski easily. Cabbage did nothing but absorb punishment.

Second round starts after a bunch of ice is cleared out of Cabbage's corner. Arlovski just opens up hellaciously on him, NOTHING. Oops - spoke too soon. Left uppercut, Cabbage is down, and Mario Yamasaki stops it. It didn't seem like it needed to be stopped there, but Cabbage isn't complaining. (KO Arlovski - 01'15" of the second round) Arlovski's post-fight comments sum it up: "Cabbage very tough guy!"

Tito Ortiz is listening to that hip-hoppity music backstage. Chuck Liddell is not.

UFC 48 spot #2. Kill him, Evan, KILL HIM!

Joe Rogan is ringside with KEN SHAMROCK. Shamrock is coming back, blah blah blah. Nice lounge shirt, STUD.

LIGHTWEIGHTS - HERMES FRANCA (8-1-0, American Top Team, Ft. Lauderdale, FL) v. YVES EDWARDS (17-8-1, Third Column, The Woodlands, TX)
Thug-jitsu, baby. Thug-jitsu. The art of the beatdown. Yves has a four-inch height advantage. Franca lunges with a couple of punches that don't hit. A high kick doesn't hit. Edwards with a leg kick. Franca with a takedown, Yves sweeps, and we're up. Yves on top on the ground now, Franca tries for a leglock. Edwards with rights and now he's up. Another hard leg kick. Franca fires back with one of his own. Franca slips on a high kick. Edwards with a jab, Franca with a high kick that gets blocked. Franca with a big right and a takedown. Out of that, high kick from Franca, round is over and I give it to Edwards.

Second round: Franca catches a leg kick and takes Edwards down. Not much on the ground here. Yves turns it over, Franca sweeps and goes for a leglock. Edwards gets out. Another takedown attempt, Yves sprawls and Franca goes back to the leg. Both of them go for heel hooks, now we're back up. The round ends, I'll give that one to Franca.

In attendance: ZAB JUDAH and RALPH CIFARETTO.

On the mat right away in the third, Edwards goes for a kimura, Franca tries to counter with an armbar, back up again. Franca goes into the guard, Yves gets up, Franca fucks around kicking his legs about. Franca shoots with a single-leg, Edwards blocks and they struggle on the mat. Yves up, Franca shoots again, the bell rings, and this one's over. I'm going 29-28 in favor of Edwards, and two of the three judges agree with me. Split-decision win for Edwards. "Thank you very - goddamn - much! Hell yeah!" Franca apparently disagrees.

WELTERWEIGHTS - CHRIS LYTLE (12-10-4, Integrated Fighting Academy, Indianapolis, IN) v. TIKI GHOSN (7-3-0, Team Oyama, Los Angeles, CA)
This is a swing fight really no one cares about. Lytle with a kick, another kick. Another kick, a takedown. Tiki gets out. Tiki with a leg kick. Mike Goldberg has returned from his bathroom break. Trading on the fight and pretty good at that. I don't care, though, I'm using this overhead shot to try to look down the shirt of ther camerawoman at ringside. Tiki with a combo and a kick, first round is over, and I'll give it to Tiki.

In attendance: JULIETTE LEWIS.

Lytle with a hard kick to the chest, mid-ring exchange, Lytle with a takedown. Struggle around in there, and Lytle breaks out the Carlos Newton choke from the Newton/Miletich fight for the tap. (SUB Lytle - 01'54" of the second round) Tiki moves to 0-4 in the UFC, and Joe calls him the most talented guy to never win in the UFC. I dunno, Sean Sherk? Then all the people that have never fought here.

BOO! I swear to god if they keep calling the UFC 48 main a "legendary collision" I'm going to puke.

Main event time! "The greatest fight in mixed martial arts history"? Are you fucking kidding me, Mike?

In attendance: GEORGE CLOONEY, and Juliette Lewis comes over to hug him.

RANDY COUTURE joins the commentary for the fight. Couture lays it down for us, and leans toward Chuck Liddell. MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN picks Tito. Juliette Lewis takes "Chuck Lydell." CHUCK ZITO picks Ortiz via decision. Carson Daly picks Liddell. FRANK MIR picks Liddell. CHARIS BOYLE (who?) picks Liddell.

LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHTS - CHUCK LIDDELL (12-3-0, Pitfight Team, San Luis Obispo, CA, "How I Could Just Kill a Man" by Cypress Hill) v. TITO ORTIZ (10-3-0, Team Punishment, Huntington Beach, CA, "Bad Boy for Life" by P. Diddy & The Family)
The atmosphere is heavy as Tito throws his beanie into the crowd and it gets thrown back at him. Mixed reaction for Liddell with Juliette Lewis going nuts. Mixed reaction for Tito Ortiz. Chant for Tito. Anxious circle around with a hot crowd. Chuck with a left hook and a straight right. Chant for Tito again. Takedown attempt from Ortiz is blocked, Tito lands a right. Chuck with a combo, Ortiz counters with a right hand. Liddell with another combo and a high kick, Tito screams and slaps his own head, the round is over. First round to Liddell easily and without a lot of action.

Ortiz lands a leg kick, but then Chuck just unloads upon him with a hellacious fury designed to kill, and kill it does, as Tito Ortiz goes down in a bloody heap and John McCarthy jumps in to stop the fight. (KO Liddell - 00'38" of the second round) YOU ARE FINISHED, TITO! CHUCK LIDDELL KILLED YOU! Tito gets booed during his post-fight comments, and even excuses himself by saying Chuck accidentally thumbed him in the eye. Tito says he wants to fight Lee Murray in June. Tito Ortiz is FINISHED!!

Now that we have time, thank god we're back to seeing the prelim fights.

[PRELIM] LIGHTWEIGHTS - MIKE BROWN (6-1-0, Team Elite, Portland, ME) v. GENKI SUDO (8-3-1, Beverly Hills Jiu-Jitsu Club, Tokyo, Japan)
God I love me some Genki Sudo. Sudo starts with his goofy ass stances. Rogan mentions the Sudo tapout win over Butterbean. Brown pushes Sudo up against the fence. Brown with a right. Both try to use their knees, only Brown's are hitting. Sudo with a takedown. Sudo tries for a triangle, then an omo plata, and Brown escapes both. Sudo goes for another triangle, now he's got an armbar as Brown tries to fight out. Brown continues to throw lefts, but now he's caught, and taps out to an armbar. (SUB Sudo - 03'31" of the first round) Post-fight, Genki does his part to unite the world in harmony. Genki Sudo is fucking awesome.

This show was pretty great. The first three fights were nothing but action, and the Diaz/Lawler fight was particularly surprising. The Edwards/Franca fight was interesting if a little dull. Lytle/Ghosn was what I expected. The prelim fight had Genki Sudo. The main event was the best I could have hoped for. YOU'RE FINISHED, ORTIZ! YOU'RE A BUM! YOU'RE A STINKIN BUM!

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