WrestleMania XX Preview
by Scott Christ

Ever since I was a little bitty boy, I wanted to do one thing and one thing only, and that's be a law enforcement officer, treat other people as you wanna be treated.

That's not true - ever since I was a little bitty boy, I wanted to do one thing and one thing only, and that's go to Wrestlemania. To be there, live, and witness history.

As I am at the age of being able to travel and had the money to go (well, not really, but I was going to sacrifice in order to do it), I decided there was no better time for a road trip - a trip on the Road to Wrestlemania, in fact - than this year. Wrestlemania XX at Madison Square Garden.

So when the presale day came, I was online, trying to purchase two $200 tickets to Wrestlemania. I was going to go to my favorite arena to see my favorite event of the year, and what could make it better? Wrestlemania XX is on my 22nd birthday.

I was going to Wrestlemania. The boyhood dream had come true for Scott Christ. Or so I thought.

After two heart-breaking days of doing all I could to get these tickets, my dreams were shattered. And I realized, truly, what a cold and cruel world this is. There will be thousands, literally THOUSANDS, of people in that crowd on that night that won't appreciate what they saw like I would have. They won't be in awe of the building, or of the event, or of the hard work and dedication of those performing. They just aren't as good as me, is what I'm saying.

Instead, I'm going to Ring of Honor in Chicago on April 24th, and while that's fine by me (I'm a little old for Feinsten's tastes, anyway), I wouldn't say it's really a fair trade.

Anyway.

For a while now, I have thought maybe I should do PPV previews. For one thing, I don't have anything better to do, and for another thing, I like writing about wrestling. I doubt I'll do them every month, but I feel as though I should do this one.

FIRST-EVER PLAYBOY EVENING GOWN MATCH
TORRIE WILSON & SABLE v. STACY KEIBLER & MISS JACKIE

WRESTLEMANIA HISTORIES: This is Sable's third Wrestlemania, everyone else's first (officially).

ONE YEAR AGO: One year ago, Torrie and Stacy were the best of friends, and they had some interaction with the Miller Lite Catfight Girls, which culminated in a heinous and grotesque pillow fight segment, which ended when Coach had his pants pulled down, exposing his tighty whities. The fact that the friendship of Torrie and Stacy deteriorated over a silly issue like which bimbo gets to be in Playboy with a leathery MILF really speaks volumes about women, I think. Also a year ago, Sable didn't have a job and Miss Jackie was probably doing something that sucked.

THE MATCH: I figure we may as well start things on the stupidest note. Now, on the one hand, this is excusable because, 1) who doesn't like tits?, and 2) it's going to be short. On the other hand, it's inexcusable because this is Wrestlemania XX, not freaking Bad Blood or Unforgiven. And yes, I know those are both Raw-brand PPVs, and that was on purpose. Anyway, I don't expect this will take up more than five minutes total, and I figure it'll be put on at a point to cool something down after a big match. As filler, it could be worse, since at least there is absolutely no reason to pay attention to this, and I guess it's better than sticking real wrestlers out there in the insulting role of wasting time for people to take a leak, get more beer, or both. I figure on Torrie and Sable winning, or else they all just act silly together (Jackie "dances," Sable does The Griiind, Stacy does cartwheels and Torrie...breathes) and tease having sex with each other in the most interesting four-way of the night.

FATAL FOUR-WAY FOR THE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
BOOKER T & ROB VAN DAM (champions) v. LA RESISTANCE v. THE DUDLEY BOYZ v. GARRISON CADE & MARK JINDRAK

WRESTLEMANIA HISTORIES: It's the second Wrestlemania for Booker and RVD (if you count last year's Heat, and let's), the third for the Dudleys, and the first for everyone else.

ONE YEAR AGO: Only one person in this match was on the PPV broadcast of Wrestlemania XIX, and that was Booker T, who lost to HHH in the world title match. RVD was on Heat, teaming with Kane, against Lance Storm & Chief Morley, and the Dudleys were involved in that match. Cade and Jindrak were either on Heat or OVW, I don't remember. Or care.

THE MATCH: This match is going to be a boner fide mess, is what I'm betting. None of these teams are particularly any good, with Booker and RVD being the best of the bunch and just being thrown together to get them on the show. I *still* think my idea of Booker/RVD v. Jericho/Christian, with THAT being where Jericho and Christian explode via losing due to Jericho's bum wheel and Christian, was a much better idea than putting Cade and Jindrak and La Resistance and the Dudleys on Wrestlemania. I'm sure they all work hard and deserve the spot in some way, but I don't like any of them, so I don't necessarily care that much. If there is justice, the Dudleys do not win here just because it's New York City, because the Dudleys suck. Bubba doesn't even wear kneepads for god's sake. The Dudleys would be so much cooler if they got back to breaking peoples' necks and putting them through tables, but no, they like America. Whatever. La Resistance have improved, but I really can't tell if Rob Conway is any good or not because he never does anything. Cade and Jindrak are terrible, which is mostly Jindrak, but Cade is no peach despite having a lovely flying elbowdrop. So I guess what I'm saying is I think Booker and RVD should retain here, unless one of them is going to move to Smackdown shortly, which would be good for them, I guess. If they don't, I suppose the next-best choice is ... La Resistance.

FATAL FOUR-WAY FOR THE WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
RIKISHI & SCOTTY 2 HOTTY (champions) v. WORLD'S GREATEST TAG TEAM v. THE APA v. THE BASHAM BROTHERS

WRESTLEMANIA HISTORIES: Rikishi's fourth Wrestlemania (IX, 13, 2000 and XX - weird history) and Scotty's third. Haas & Benjamin are making their second appearance. The APA are making their third as a unit, and it's Bradshaw's sixth overall, and Faarooq's fifth. First for the Bashams.

ONE YEAR AGO: Only Haas and Benjamin were involved with Wrestlemania XIX, successfully defending these belts in a three-way against Los Guerreros and the great tag team of Chris Benoit and Rhyno. That match was pretty short and flat, a true disappointment. Rikishi was fat, Scotty was at home, the Bashams were in OVW, and I have no idea what APA were doing. And, again, I don't care, because they suck.

THE MATCH: Rikishi and Scotty have been pretty good tag champs, really. That doesn't excuse that this isn't just Rikishi/Scotty v. WGTT, which it should have been, and WGTT should have just won since they're so far superior to everyone else. Really, I think that could've ended up being a perfectly fine match, too. Plus it just should be that way. But god forbid we don't get Faarooq at Wrestlemania. As long as APA doesn't do much besides some heavy offense, and the Bashams don't do much besides get beaten up, we should be fine here. World's Greatest Tag Team must win.

TITLE V. HAIR FOR THE WOMEN'S TITLE OR MOLLY'S HAIR
VICTORIA (champion) v. MOLLY HOLLY

WRESTLEMANIA HISTORIES: This is Victoria's second Wrestlemania and Molly's first.

ONE YEAR AGO: Molly was being wasted with her sexy phat ass, and Victoria lost the women's title to Trish in a three-way that involved Jazz.

THE MATCH: This match has had better build than most of the stuff on this show, but then, the women's division has been better-booked than most stuff in the promotion over the last year or so. If anything, these two will put on a match that won't make me embarrassed to watch wrestling, which is my only real criteria for women's wrestling anymore. Plus, I like both of them, and I think they're both totally hot. The stipulation seems to give away that Molly is going to regain the title here, but who knows? Maybe they'll actually do something stupid like shave her head. Maybe she wants to cut her hair and figures, hey, it's just hair, it'll grow back. I really hope not, though. Please, Molly, think of those of us that want to have intercourse with you. We don't want you to be bald. So I figure Molly wins but who the hell knows.

CRUISERWEIGHT OPEN FOR THE CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
CHAVO GUERRERO (champion)
REY MYSTERIO, TAJIRI, JAMIE NOBLE, BILLY KIDMAN, ULTIMO DRAGON, AKIO, SHANNON MOORE, FUNAKI

WRESTLEMANIA HISTORIES: Second for Chavo and Mysterio, first for everybody else.

ONE YEAR AGO: Two of these people were on the show last year, and that was Chavo, who teamed with Eddie to lose in the three-way tag match, and Rey, who challenged Matt Hardy in the opener and lost in a retardedly short match. The rest of them were on Velocity and Dragon and Akio weren't here yet.

THE MATCH: I don't even know how this works, but I guess it should be fun to watch. Akio over Paul London? Really? Either Chavo retains or Rey wins the belt back, since I think imagining Ultimo Dragon doing anything worthwhile is pretty pointless. I hope it's booked to where they can have an actual good match sort of thing, but I figure it's going to be a lot of flying around. Billy Kidman being there makes it infinitely more boring. I'd like to have more thoughts, but like I said, I don't even know how this is going to work.

MATCH WITH NO SPECIAL TITLE
CHRIS JERICHO v. CHRISTIAN

WRESTLEMANIA HISTORIES: This is Jericho's fifth Wrestlemania and Christian's fourth.

ONE YEAR AGO: Chris Jericho's career in WWE has truly come full circle. Two years ago, he was in the main event at Wrestlemania X8, supporting Stephanie McMahon in her feud with HHH. Last year, he was wrestling Shawn Michaels in a high-profile, show-stealing match. This year, he wrestles a career midcarder in a match with a dull, tired angle. Christian was doing nothing a year ago, but two years ago, he did wrestle and lose to DDP. So that's something. What a singles career he's had. It should be noted that in the past year, he has cut his hair.

THE MATCH: The fact that I like both of these guys and figure if they're given any time they might have a real good match is the only reason I care about this. I didn't particularly like the angle, though I like how much of a wormy fucker Christian has become because of it, so I guess it isn't all bad. Jericho as the heroic babyface isn't really working for me, because he looks like such a weiner and walks like a duck and hasn't cut a good promo in years. Thank god his matches are routinely good again. I'm kind of hoping that the car Christian got into on Monday after beating Jericho up was being driven by Trish, because I don't want Jericho and Trish to have a happy romantic ending. I'd rather Jericho get stomped on and come back at Backlash with hate in his heart for the both of them and no love to give anymore, and to be a man on the mission of ending Christian's career and breaking Trish's back, then maybe he can have some momentum for down the road. But he'll probably just kiss Trish and everyone will think it's great, and I'll just roll my eyes and say Jericho is again being weighed down with too much garbage, and how he never just gets to be a guy that's wrestling. I guess Jericho wins here and he kisses Trish, and then etc.

THREE on TWO
THE ROCK & MICK FOLEY v. RANDY ORTON, BATISTA & RIC FLAIR

WRESTLEMANIA HISTORIES: This is Rock's eighth Wrestlemania, Foley's fifth, Orton and Batista's first, and Flair's third (VIII, X8, XX - also a strange history).

ONE YEAR AGO: Mick Foley was at home, where I sort of wish he had stayed for good. The Rock finally - FINALLY - beat Stone Cold Steve Austin at Wrestlemania. He'd done it all. Finally. Orton was doing nothing of consequence, or else he was still hurt. Batista was probably hurt. Flair was managing HHH.

THE MATCH: I expect, or at least hope, this will be entertaining, because I think the match is going to suck. Batista is terrible, Flair is old, bad and working hurt, Orton is the worker on his team (which is a disgrace), and Rock and Foley haven't wrestled in forever. I've really got no idea what they're going for here, but this would've been so much better as a singles match with Foley and Orton, or at least just a straight tag with Rock/Foley v. Orton/Batista, and no Flair. I love Flair to death, and I guess I think it's great that Ric Flair is going to be wrestling at Wrestlemania XX, but enough already. The over/under on four of five people being gassed in this match is seven minutes, I'd say. I think it's sweet of Rock and Foley to come make Randy Orton a superstar, really. Foley laid out the angle very well, and Orton, to his credit, has carried his share like a man. I hope Rock can stop being Hollywood long enough to whoop some ass with a serious face here, because if he's all goofy like he was on Monday, I might actually die. Actually, I thought the feud was great up until they concluded it with so much goddamn comedy. But oh well. Evolution should win, and Orton should pin Foley, but if they do plan to do Orton/Foley as a one-on-one at Backlash, then Foley should get the victory here.

THE DEAD WILL RISE AGAIN
KANE v. THE UNDERTAKER

WRESTLEMANIA HISTORIES: Wrestlemania XX will be the second time these two have met at Wrestlemania, the first being XIV with Undertaker winning. It is Undertaker's 12th Wrestlemania and he is 11-0. He will be tied with Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart for most Wrestlemanias ever. It's Kane's sixth if you count last year's Heat (and let's).

ONE YEAR AGO: Last year, Kane was teaming with RVD on Heat in an unsuccessful bid to capture the Raw tag title. Undertaker was supposed to team with Nathan Jones against A-Train and Big Show, but Nathan Jones sucks so much that it ended up being a handicap match, and Undertaker extended his Wrestlemania undefeated streak to 11.

THE MATCH: I figure it'll be better than their match at Wrestlemania XIV, because that match sucked, and Kane has come a long way since then. However, the return of the Dead Man, while cool, also means that he'll wrestle slower than we've become accustomed to, and perhaps abandon a lot of his newfound offense that was making him interesting as a worker again in the last year. This match has the potential to be bowling shoe ugly, and will probably suck, honestly. All I need out of it is a dramatic ass Undertaker entrance and some heavy-hitting offense and for them to keep it relatively short (15 minutes would be plenty). Some people have this stupid idea that Kane should win because he means more to the future of the company than Undertaker, to which I reply, no he doesn't. Undertaker should win, and should, in fact, never lose at Wrestlemania. I mean, why not? Let him have that as a thing to remember. It's a stupid win streak at Wrestlemania that has been largely useless. Also, Kane sucks. Undertaker wins.

BROCK LESNAR v. GOLDBERG
with SPECIAL REFEREE STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN

WRESTLEMANIA HISTORIES: This is Lesnar's second Wrestlemania and Goldberg's first and last. This will be Austin's first time refereeing at Wrestlemania and his eighth appearance overall.

ONE YEAR AGO: The first "Goldberg is coming" promo aired at Wrestlemania XIX, and it was pretty rad because it said something about "two years in exile," which made him seem pretty badass. He debuted the next night on Raw by spearing the Rock weakly. Lesnar memorably fell on his head.

THE MATCH: This is either going to be exciting and good or messy and bad, and I think it's 50/50 there because Goldberg is really bad when it comes to wrestling for very long, and I don't know that Lesnar is experienced enough to keep things smooth. Maybe that's why Austin is in there. I think they'd be smart to work with the Goldberg/Steiner formula from Fall Brawl 2000, in which two big guys beat the shit out of each other. Now, think of that, and mathematically and scientifically add this up: take into account how much better Lesnar is than Steiner (Lesnar > Steiner x18 or so), subtract the Russo/Midajah interference in that match (minus Russo+Midajah), remember that this isn't WCW (minus WCW) and that Russo isn't booking it (minus Russo booking) - with that, I think you get something like this being about 3247 times better of a match, potentially, than Steiner/Goldberg, which was pretty decent. Now, add in the atmosphere advantage this should have (+12163), and you're at, in my estimation, a +15410 on this match over Goldberg's one other good power v. power match. I gave Steiner/Goldberg *** (which is generous, yes), so that means this match should get 46,230 stars. I think that's probably a bit much, but them having a ***1/2 match wouldn't surprise me. Lesnar wins, duh. Hopefully JR and Tazz join forces again to call this match and the other major interpromotional match (Undertaker/Kane), so I don't have to put up with Michael Cole or Jerry Lawler during either of them. I also expect the MSG crowd to hate Goldberg, so that should be fun.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
EDDIE GUERRERO (champion) v. KURT ANGLE

WRESTLEMANIA HISTORIES: It's Eddie's fourth Wrestlemania and the fifth for Kurt Angle.

ONE YEAR AGO: Eddie teamed with Chavo to lose to Haas and Benjamin. Angle wrestled with a broken freakin' neck to drop the WWE title to Lesnar.

THE MATCH: All I know of the buildup here is what I've read or seen on the B-show, but DEAN and Velocity have done a good enough job making me excited to see this. And really, if I wasn't excited for this match a month after Eddie and Brock got 30 minutes at No Way Out, I'd have to be some kind of fucking idiot. Eddie totally used to do drugs, and Kurt did not. While Eddie was doing drugs, Kurt was defending the honor of the USA. That's pretty cool of him. Frankly, I see Kurt Angle's side of things. But I am a forgiving human being, and Eddie Guerrero seems to be a reformed man to me. A good man. A family man. An honorable man. But that doesn't mean the motherfucker won't lie, cheat and steal, because it's in his blood, homes. But then again, Kurt Angle is right. I DON'T want my children looking up to Eddie. He IS a drug addict. But then again, Eddie has changed! He really has! And he's earned this! But Kurt has a point, it's true, it's true! I'm torn. I don't know what to do. These guys are both awesome. This match is going to be great. If this isn't one of the best matches in the history of Wrestlemania, I will eat my hat. Swear to God. Eddie should retain, and I think he will.

TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
TRIPLE H (champion) v. SHAWN MICHAELS v. chrisbenoit

WRESTLEMANIA HISTORIES: This will be Michaels' 12th Wrestlemania, which will tie him with Bret Hart and Undertaker for most Wrestlemanias ever. It's the ninth for Triple H, and the fourth for Chris Benoit.

ONE YEAR AGO: HHH beat that stupid darkie Booker T convincingly to prove his superiority over the black race. Shawn Michaels beat Chris Jericho for some reason. Chris Benoit teamed with Rhyno and lost, as he tends to do.

THE MATCH: This match's build has been the shits. If it was just HHH v. Benoit, I think the build has been okay. But Shawn Michaels being there sucks. If I am thankful for anything about this match, it has returned me and many others to our rightful role in this world of hating Shawn Michaels, and not just liking him because he's good and most people aren't. HHH's promos have been okay if overly long and usually explaining way too much instead of leaving anything there for interpretation. Benoit and Shawn have had some brutally awful conflict leading to this match, usually ending with Shawn Michaels kicking Benoit's ass and leaving him laying like a bitch. Benoit has no support going into this. Great booking. I'm glad he's getting a main event-level match at Wrestlemania, but I think at this point I'd have preferred they just leave him in the midcard to have a good match with someone else. I'm sure HE'D disagree with me on that, but so what? Nah, nah, I'm cool with this. I guess. Good for him. He deserves it. But he also deserved better at the same time. Whatever. This match is probably going to be good, but I still just really wish it was HHH v. Benoit. I thought that was the best way to do it. Benoit could beat a dominant heel, have a triumphant victory 19 years in the making, and it's a great use of HHH, giving him the best possible opponent, and it also would have meant no more goddamn HHH/HBK garbage, because I am sick of those two ladies throwing their panties at each other. I have no idea who's going to win this match. I hope for Benoit, and think the second-best choice is HHH retaining. Michaels can go screw.

Man, this seemed like a better card in my head than it is on paper when you really think about it. I am going in with both high and low expectations for this show, as it is Wrestlemania, thus the high, but it could've been a lot better, and therefore the low.

And I'm still not going. So in some way, I feel the way a lot of the WWE roster is probably feeling. So, here's to you, Test, Scott Steiner, Val Venis, Lance Storm, Rico, Heat GM Steven Richards, Paul London, Sakoda, Hurricane, Rosey, Mark Henry, Rodney Mack, Jazz, Teddy Long, Gail Kim, Ivory, Jacqueline, Lita, Sylvan Grenier, William Regal, Jon Heidenreich, Little Johnny, Tommy Dreamer, Hardcore Holly, Billy Gunn, Chuck Palumbo, Johnny Stamboli, Maven, Rhyno, Edge, Matt Morgan, Orlando Jordan and A-Train. Better luck next year, everybody.

And here's to Wrestlemania. The showcase of the immortals. The grandaddy of them all. The Super Bowl of professional wrestling. A night where WWE Superstars become legends. 20 years of Wrestlemania. By god.

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