WWE RAW - 11.24.03
by Scott Christ

Yeah, yeah. I know I said I probably wouldn't do this every week, but again, I happened to tape the show and something extraordinary happened.

--I'm going to do one of those things where you recap the whole intro video. Limo crashing into truck, Triple H spitting water, Ric Flair studio, Chris Jericho entrance, Lita, Randy Orton, RVD kicking the ladder into Christian, RAW logo, bloody Shawn Michaels, Booker T, Bubba Ray Dudley, Kane, bloody Triple H, Booker T, Batista, Stacy Keibler studio, 3D through a table on Rene Dupree, Victoria slaps Trish Stratus, Kane starting to unleash pyro, Maven flying dropkick on Flair, Kane unleashing pyro, RAW logo, Mark Henry wants da money, Triple H studio, Trish Stratus entrance, Hurricane & Rosey, Goldberg, Chris Jericho, Test ducks a Stacy chairshot and down goes Scott Steiner, Eric Bischoff, RVD five star frog splash, RAW logo, Scott Steiner studio, Gail Kim hits Lita from behind (w/Molly Holly), The Rock, Booker T studio, Triple H studio, RAW logo.

--Fireworks!! Live on November 24 from Salt Lake City.

--Commentary provided by HELLO AGAIN, EVERYBODY, I'M JIM ROSS ALONGSIDE JERRY "THE KING" LAWLER. TONIGHT! RAW Roulette.

--And what do you know, the wheel is in the ring (red carpet is out) and also in the ring are ERIC BISCHOFF and TWO VEGAS SHOWGIRLS. One of 'em (the brunette) is a by god d-o-double-g. "Now I know a lot of you guys here in Utah are sitting around, asking your three or four wives, what is RAW Roulette?" We know what it is, I'm not going to do this whole thing. Could we see a first blood match? Or how about a last man standing match? Or what about a kiss my ass match? But there's more: tonight in the main event, Goldberg against Triple H for the world heavyweight title. Bischoff is ready to get going and he spins the wheel, but oh oh, it's SHAWN MICHAELS. "You know, Eric, since you came out and interrupted my interview last week, I thought the least that I could do is come out here this week and, uh, return the favor. So, here I am. Though I want you to know, after you kicked me out of the building last week, I went home and I did exactly what you said. I looked in the mirror, I considered all that reverse psychology, psychobabble, guilt trip junk you tried to lay on me. I considered all that. And as I looked in the mirror, the man staring back at me had a clear conscience. CRYSTAL clear! I gave the fight of my life at Survivor Series, and everybody knows it! Make no mistake about it, if it wasn't for you and Evolution, Stone Cold Steve Austin would be here tonight. AND--" We're interrupted by BATISTA. "Hey big man, hey! Hey! There's nobody up there stoppin' ya, keep on walkin', let's finish what we started, c'mon!" Eric doesn't think it's a good idea, but Batista wants to talk. "Shawn, Shawn, Shawn, look Shawn. I didn't come out here to fight with ya. So I'm not gonna waste my time, I'm not gonna come down there and roll around with ya. Now honestly, Shawn? I got chunks bigger than you in my bowel movement. But what I did come out here for, I wanna tell you one thing - I agree with you. I think you are 100% right. You didn't cost Austin his job. You know how I know that? Because I did! When I powerbombed your ass straight to hell!" "Hey just come on down, ya jacked-up nimrod! Let's finish it now!" Batista de-shirts and we're gonna have us a FIGHT. Oh no we're not, Bischoff you dick. Bischoff thinks the match is one HELL of a great idea, but he's given Salt Lake City too much tonight. So instead, here we go - Shawn Michaels v. Batista at Armageddon. Oh ew. Bischoff is gonna go to the wheel to make the match, but it's already on Bischoff's Choice from that earlier spin. Bischoff is making a tag team match tonight: Batista and Ric Flair v. Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho. And that's that.

--Commercials: SpikeTV VGA, Project Gotham Racing 2, The Last Samurai, Thirteen(XIII), Star Trek Enterprise (local), Pation Enclosures Inc. (local)

--Lugz Boot of the Week: Matt dumps Lita.

--LITA is out, but Bischoff is on the EricTron. Here's MOLLY HOLLY looking lovely as always on the big screen. She spins the wheel - oh boy. A cage match with women.

--STEEL CAGE MATCH - LITA (homeless) v. VICTORIA (homeless): Lita attacks right away and tosses Victoria into the cage, which tears Victoria's pants something awful. Hey there's Victoria's undawears (thong). Victoria slingshots Lita into the cage. Fireman's carry into a spinning slam for two. JR lets us know pinfalls, submissions and escaping the cage (over the top or through the door) win the match. Victoria tries to leave, but Lita is up. Terrible spinning headscissors by Lita, and she's trying to climb up and over. Victoria is under her and they're in the electric chair, but seriously, no. Victoria gets knocked to the mat, but she's back and slams Lita from the top rope. Cover, 2, kickout. Victoria goes for the widow's peak, but nope. Lita climbing again and she slips and falls. God she sucks. Victoria on the advantage again. Litabomb, ugh. Lita climbs AGAIN, kicks Victoria away, and hits a crappy moonsault onto standing Victoria. Lita goes for the door, but MATT HARDY VERSION 1.0 slams the door on her head! Hahaha. What a badass. Victoria crawls out and wins the match. (04'10") Matt gets in the cage, but before he can do anything, CHRISTIAN is in to run him off.

--Bischoff is talking to the ladies, but they're busy with RANDY ORTON. Bischoff already gave the wheel a spin for his match, which is next, and it's a legend killer match. Here's THE HURRICANE and ROSEY. They have a match tonight against each other, and it's a ... capture the midget match. And here's FERNANDO THE MIDGET. Fernando takes off, and the first man to capture the midget will win. Hurricane wants to refuse, but if they do, the loser will get fired. Hurricane takes off, then Rosey takes off, and oh my sweet sweet lord.

--Commercials: SmackDown! HCTP, True Crime: Streets of LA, Remington Titanium, GameBoy AdvanceSP, Roller Coaster Tycoon 2, Crash Nitro Kart.

--WWE Rewind: Randy Orton hitting RVD with the RKO.

--And the special legend is...SGT. SLAUGHTER. Great.

--LEGEND KILLER MATCH - RANDY ORTON (255, St. Louis, MO) v. SGT. SLAUGHTER (weightless, South Carolina): Orton throws a big right, Sarge ducks, and has the cobra clutch. Orton gets the ropes and Slaughter starts hammering away. Stomachbreaker! Cover, 2, kickout. Orton ducks a clothesline, standing dropkick, cover, 2. Orton hits some forearms on the ground, kicks, Slaughter fights back. Off the ropes, Orton hooks a sleeper. Countered into the cobra clutch! Orton gets the ropes, Sarge doesn't wanna break, LOW BLOW. RKO! 1, 2, 3. (01'53") Post-match, Orton lays the boots down, and here comes ROB VAN DAM! RVD does a number on Orton but Orton rolls out before the five star can be delivered. Sarge and RVD joke around with Sarge going to put him in the cobra clutch.

--Last Sunday at Survivor Series, Goldberg killed Evolution. Last Monday on Raw, Evolution killed Goldberg. Tonight on Raw, Goldberg will face HHH, and it's only a few minutes away.

--Commercials: The Stone Cold Truth on UPN, Bond + She Spies, PS2, Air Hogs, Viewtiful Joe, Lugz, Spawn: Armageddon, X2, SpikeTV VGA.

--On Maury, Goldberg gave a little girl a replica belt.

--Backstage, VAL VENIS and LANCE STORM wait on some conservative Utah girls. And here they are. "Hello, ladies!" The ladies heard wrestlers are a little bit crazy, and before they can convince them otherwise, Fernando, Rosey and the Hurricane run by. Fernando headbutts Rosey in the dick, then knocks a stagehand into some crap and escapes. Hurricane, Rosey and the stagehand give chance. Lance and Val aren't with them.

--THE COACH is with RIC FLAIR. They talk about The Ultimate Ric Flair Collection's amazing sales (I got it!). "Coach, Coach. Say no more! I'm very proud of my historic past, but I'm even more proud of Evolution! Already! Tonight! Randy Orton has taken out another legend, Sgt. Slaughter. And later on this evening, Shawn Michaels, yeah, YOU, Heartbreak Kid, YOU'VE got to wrestle against the Nature Boy, WHOO!, Ric Flair, and Batista. And I'm very confident and very sure about what Batista's gonna be doing, how do you feel about your partner? And last but not least, haha, ladies and gentlemen, in just a few moments, Triple H, hahaha, the world's heavyweight champion, in my eyes, will walk that aisle! Goldberg! You survived! At Survivor Series. Tonight, Triple H takes back what is rightfully his, the world heavyweight championship. WHOO!"

--Eric and Matt Hardy are hanging out at the wheel. Matt has a YJ Stinger. Eric makes very blatant note of the YJ Stinger, and sets it on his new coaster: The Stone Cold Truth. DOUBLE PRODUCT PLACEMENT! Matt's got a match, and he spins the wheel. He draws a strange bedfellows match. We already HAVE that tonight.

--Backstage, Goldberg warms up.

--Commercials: Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, Metal Arms, Burger King + Cat in the Hat, T3: Rise of the Machines, I-Ninja, Comcast digital cable: parental control (local), Louie Dominion's Deals on Wheels (local).

--In just a few moments, Goldberg v. HHH. Here are some shots of what could happen courtesty of SmackDown! HCTP.

--STRANGE BEDFELLOWS MATCH - BUBBA RAY DUDLEY & GARRISON CADE (no entrances) v. MATT HARDY VERSION 1.0 (very little entrance - again?) & CHRISTIAN: Christian shoves Matt into Bubba to start, and Matt isn't happy with that. Hardy with a clothesline on Bubba, tag to Christian's chest. Christian tells Matt to hold Bubba, then he doesn't, and it results in Christian getting slammed for two. Tag to Garrison Cade, who takes over and gets a bulldog for two. JR spends time putting over Jindrak and Cade and being disappointed in Matt Hardy's behavior. Cade hits a shoulderblock from the second rope, tag to Bubba. Bubba with the jabs, flip flop n' fly fails as usual, but he hits a Samoan drop. Bubba to the second rope - GASP! - his flying senton misses. Matt drops off the apron when Christian tries to tag. Bubba hits the buttbomb, then steps out to the apron. Cade tags Bubba on the apron, then hits a beaut of a flying elbow for the pin. (03'49") Bubba is...upset about that. Cade has Bubba's tag belt, then hands it over, or tries to. But then Cade hangs onto it? Bubba makes threats and Cade leaves. Whatever, man, someone needs to start being a prick in that whole thing.

--TRIPLE H walks backstage. The world title match is NEXT.

--Friday: Vegas. Saturday: San Francisco. Sunday: Bakersfield. Next week: Sacramento. Next Friday: Philadelphia.

--Commercials: SpikeTV VGA (Best Game Based on a Movie: Enter the Matrix, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic), Mario Kart Double Dash!!, Dudley Boyz for Mario Kart Double Dash!!, I-Ninja, Remington Titanium, Sphinx and The Cursed Mummy, Gamecube + Target, Nokia N-Gage, SpikeTV VGA.

--TERRI is with Shawn Michaels. "It's unfortunate because I think Chris Jericho's a really talented young man. Only problem is, he can't stand me, and I can't stand him. Bischoff once again has stacked the odds against me, but I'm gonna do what I always do - I'm gonna beat those odds. Terri, there's a, uh, hmm, there's a midget looking up your dress." Now added to the chase: Terri.

--WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - TRIPLE H (challenger, 272, Greenwich, CT, with RIC FLAIR) v. GOLDBERG (champion, 280, Atlanta, GA): Boy, you know, I didn't wanna join in on the HHH looking bloated and fat bandwagon, but holy crap, dude. JR says HHH won't be intimidated by Goldberg. Staredown and shit-talking to start, Flair gets Goldberg's attention, and HHH pounces. Goldberg fights back with a high back body drop and a knockdown, and HHH bails. Goldberg follows and lays in with rights and elbows. Whip, stop, clothesline by Goldberg. Back in, HHH drops the elbow across the back of the neck. Back out, HHH whips Goldberg into the steps and he hits HARD. Goldberg's got some redness on his shoulder, what a guy. In the ring, HHH works the shoulder. Kneedrop to the head, why not drop it on the shoulder? Oh well, what do I know. Flair gets a cheapshot in with his jacket (it wasn't much of a shot), and HHH stays in control. I think Goldberg just stiffed HHH with a right and HHH called him an asshole. Haha. HHH up top, he's Flair! Press slam from the top. Goldberg sets for the spear - HHH bails. Back in again, HHH takes the advantage. Goldberg makes the comeback, press powerslam hits. Flair tries to interfere, and down he goes. Here's RANDY ORTON! He goes for the RKO - SPEAR! Bell rings. HHH hits the pedigree on Goldberg, covers? 1, 2? KANE? Let's just call this off. (06'32") JR makes it very clear that Goldberg wouldn't have kicked out (is this HHH appreciation night?). Kane makes his way down, HHH punches him, then turns around into a spear. Kane's in, big boot on Goldberg. Kane does a number on Goldberg while Flair and HHH make their way out of here. I don't blame them.

--Bischoff and the whores watch TV when HHH busts in. HHH is hopping mad and throwing a world class hissy fit. But standing behind HHH is Kane. Kane and HHH manage to have the absolute gayest (as in homosexual) segment in wrestling, with both of them breathing heavily and sweating with their shirts off, Kane standing behind HHH, HHH leaning into Kane's heaving bosom as the two of them lick their chops and stare seductively into one another's eyes, and then when the passion is just about to burst into a kiss the likes of which the world hasn't seen since Macho and Elizabeth Man tied the knot, Bischoff rewards them both with a world title shot in a triple threat match with Goldberg at Armageddon.

--Commercials: SpikeTV VGA, Spawn: Armageddon, Remington Titanium, Crash Nitro Kart, GameBoy AdvanceSP, Comcast digital cable v. the gay stupid dish for faggots (local), LeValley Buick-Pontiac-Cadillac-GMC (local).

--Here's a shot at the E Center of West Valley City. In the parking lot, everyone chases the midget.

--BOOKER T is out for his match, and here's Bischoff, the beast and the other one, and he's joined by MARK HENRY and THEODORE LONG. Theodore wonders where the black bitches at, and now we spin the wheel. Oh hooray.

--SALT LAKE CITY STREETFIGHT - BOOKER T (256, Houston, TX) v. MARK HENRY (375, Silsby, TX, with THEODORE LONG): Henry gets some weapons from Bischoff before he makes his entrance, and Booker sneaks up to the entranceway, telling the crowd to quiet down. Which they do. Then Mark Henry comes out and they get even quieter. Booker attacks Henry from behind, then hits him with a stop sign. This is a pretty usual streetfight until some bad shit goes down. Some bad, bad shit goes down in the form of MARK HENRY BENDING THE MOTHER FUCKING STOP SIGN. Booker hits him with a 2x4 and hits him with a frying pan, but who cares, because MARK HENRY BENDS THE MOTHER FUCKING FRYING PAN. Booker sprays him with a fire extinguisher and hits the missile dropkick. Spinaroonie! BOOKER T BENDS THE MOTHER FUCKING MARK HENRY over with a kick to the gut, then hits the scissor kick. Cover, 2, kickout. Booker tries for his finisher (the roll-up in the corner) but that doesn't work, and Henry hits him with a garbage can. For the win. Shut up. (03'14")

--TONIGHT! Shawn Michaels & Chris Jericho v. Ric Flair & Batista.

--Buy WWE Unscripted.

--Commercials: SmackDown! HCTP, Air Hogs, Dragonball Z Taiketsu, ThirteenXIII, Timeline, X2 + Target.

--In Bischoff's office is TRISH STRATUS. She gets a bra & panties match. Outside, Jericho makes a wild guess and is right. Jericho offers to talk to Bischoff about it, but Trish is fine with it, because she's a slut. No I'm lying, she's probably really super. Trish wants Jericho to do the right thing tonight, but he isn't receptive to the idea. But he's bending! And right on cue, she offers him sex if he does the right thing tonight. Nevermind, she's a total slut.

--To the broadcast booth, we discuss Austin and his UPN special. Here comes Fernando! He jumps in JR's lap. JR wins the match. Everyone is disappointed.

--ROB VAN DAM is out. Let's cut the shit, his match is a handicap match. Randy Orton suggests putting another stipulation on top of it. I KNOW! HANDICAP KISS MY ASS MATCH! HANDICAP CAPTURE THE MIDGET! It's singapore cane match. Let's take a break.

--Commercials: Bond + She Spies, I-Ninja, Subway, Viewtiful Joe, True Crime: Streets of LA, Allen Iverson for Reebok, X2 + Target, SpikeTV VGA.

--RAW is brought to you by Skittles, ThirteenXIII and Burger King.

--HANDICAP SINGAPORE CANE MATCH - ROB VAN DAM (Intercontinental Champion, 235, Battle Creek, MI) v. SCOTT STEINER & TEST (combined weightless, with STACY KEIBLER): They do stuff with canes and they do stuff with the handicap thing. Van Dam hits the five star on Steiner, but then Test creams him with the cane for the cover. (02'45")

--Bischoff theorizes that Jericho is really falling for Trish. Bra & panties will happen, and Bischoff wants Jericho to do the right thing.

--Commercials: Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, Burger King + Cat in the Hat, M:I game, The Last Samurai, Metal Arms, Sphinx and The Cursed Mummy, UPN (local), Dodge (local).

--At Armageddon, Goldberg, HHH and Kane will meet in what JR thinks could be the most "physically intense heavyweight championship match in the history of the WWE."

--BRA & PANTIES MATCH - MISS JACKIE (with RICO) v. TRISH STRATUS: Armageddon will be presented by PS2's Final Fantasy X II. They mention the nipple slip from last week. Good for them, might as well milk it. Well. I mean. Nevermind. Last week, Jericho and Trish kissed and I farted. We're underway, there goes Jackie's shirt. There goes Trish's shirt. There goes Rico's pants. There goes Jackie's pants. (02'01") Post-match, there goes Lilian's shirt. Works for me.

--Backstage, Trish still hopes Jericho will do the right thing.

--In the ring, Lilian still doesn't have a shirt on.

--Backstage, Shawn Michaels walks.

--Commercials: The Stone Cold Truth on UPN, Bond + She Spies, Mario Kart Double Dash!!, Dudley Boyz for Mario Kart Double Dash!!, PS2, Remington Titanium, Project Gotham Racing 2, Timeline, SpikeTV VGA.

--In the ring, Lilian has a shirt on now.

--MAIN EVENT - BATISTA (321, homeless) & RIC FLAIR (234, Charlotte, NC) v. CHRIS JERICHO (230, Winnipeg, MB) & SHAWN MICHAELS (225, San Antonio, TX): Shawn and Flair start off. Chops and jabs in the corner, then Shawn turns it around with three chops. Whip to the corner, out, backdrop. Michaels offers the hand, Jericho tags. Jericho hammers away at Flair. Missile dropkick hits, cover, 2. Jericho with a chop, chop, Flair flop. Shawn's pyro has caused the arena to smoke up pretty bad. Lionsault, Flair rolls away, Jericho lands on the feet. Flair with a chop, whip to the ropes, Batista gets a knee in and shoves Jericho down. Tag to Batista, kicks in the corner. Batista slows it down, tag to Flair, who heads up top. Jericho cuts him off, slam from the top. Michaels wants the tag, Jericho makes it. Michaels with shots on Flair, Flair gets whiplashed off the ropes and rolls out. Jeez. Flair is cut pretty bad. Jericho throws him back in, Michaels hits the forearm and kips up. Down goes Batista! Flair with a thumb to the eye, and Shawn does a great job overselling it to slow it down. Michaels can't see, and he nails Jericho by accident. Shawn sets for the superkick on Flair, and it hits! Jericho hits Michaels with a superkick! Michaels falls on Flair, 1, 2, 3. (05'02") Jericho is happy with himself. Batista powerbombs Shawn, then chokes him until he bites a condom. Then he poses menacingly. GOODNIGHT!

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