WWE Raw - 11.17.03
by Scott Christ

What is UP?

You may ask yourself, where is my beautiful wife? Why am I recapping Raw? I dunno, I decided to tape it on a hunch that something cool might happen, and lo and behold if I didn't get a NIPPLE ON FILM. I'll be masturbating for years, like that time when Chyna shook Marlena and her vagina was exposed. Or that time Terri bent over to leave the ring and her vagina was exposed.

Whose nipple? You'll have to just FIND OUT, won't you?

I don't expect to do this every week but I might start taping every week again in case I feel like it.

--Live on November 17, 2003 from Beaumont, Texas.

--Our program begins with the RAW intro and a graphic of Eric Bischoff, followed by a graphic of Stone Cold Steve Austin. The Austin graphic begins getting spray-painted though, and we pan out to see that ERIC BISCHOFF himself is the one wielding the can.

--Austin video package with a close-up on the two beers he left in the ring last night fades into a live shot of the ring where two more beer cans sit in the middle of the ring. Bischoff has the mic and he's surrounded by his team from last night. Bischoff stomps the cans to death while the heels clap. See, this is what I miss in wrestling. All the bad guys getting along because they're all really into choking and not making legal tags. Bischoff promises to grant everyone on his team a special favor for anything they want at any time (within reason, of course). Bischoff tries to finish his statement but he's interrupted by EVOLUTION. Well, not Randy Orton, he's already there. But the rest of them. TRIPLE H takes the mic. "First of all, I think I speak for everybody here in this arena tonight when I say congratulations, Eric. It's great to see you back where you belong. But since you're out here giving out favors to the people that supported you, and the way I see it (Goldberg chant, but not much of one)...okay, the way I see it, if you're giving out favors to those who supported you, if it wasn't for Evolution's Randy Orton getting the win last night, and it wasn't for Evolution's Batista helping him get that win...in essence, if it wasn't for Evolution - no disrespect to you guys - Stone Cold Steve Austin would still be here tonight." Bischoff says HHH is absolutely right, and as far as he's concerned, he can have a rematch with Goldberg any time he wants. "That's great. Hey, that's awfully white of ya, Eric. (to Theodore and Mark) No offense, guys. But you gotta understand somethin' - Goldberg's a different kinda guy, he doesn't respect the rules. And by not respecting the rules that you make and that you govern, in essence Goldberg doesn't respect you, Eric. See last night, Eric, Goldberg went nuts with a sledgehammer, and that sledgehammer is the only reason - Goldberg knows it, I know it, that sledgehammer is the only reason I am not standing before you the world heavyweight champion." Eric wants to know what HHH has in mind. HHH says it off-mic and Eric seems to find it to be a wonderful idea. TONIGHT! Goldberg v. HHH, Randy Orton and Batista in a 3-on-1 handicap match. And that's the bottom line, because Eric Bischoff said so.

--Commercials: Bond + She Spies, True Crime: Streets of LA, Remington Titanium, The Missing, Big Mutha Truckers, Justin Timberlake for World Children's Day (local), Patio Enclosures Inc. (local).

--WWE Rewind brought to you by Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (the video game): Mark Henry pins Booker T last night.

--MARK HENRY (no entrance, 375, Silsby, TX, with THEODORE LONG) v. BOOKER T (256, Houston, TX): JR lets us know that Ric Flair will face RVD for the intercontinental title tonight. Henry with clubbing blows and he shakes off a forearm and some chops from Booker. Harlem sidekick is taken extremely retardedly by Henry, who then hits a short-arm clothesline. Vertical suplex, but Booker slides down and gets a sleeperhold. Henry is worn down to a knee, but gets back up and drives Booker T into the corner. Scissor kick is not a go as Theodore distracts Booker and Henry gets a Vader attack, then stands on Booker's throat. Driving shoulders in the corner, whip to the other side, hard impact. Chinlock by Henry. This crowd is pretty hot. Booker T fights back but gets scoop slammed. Elbowdrop, cover, 2, kickout. Back to the chinlock. Booker is up and elbows out, but that's about it. Henry charges the corner and the clothesline hits. Big running start - Booker avoids the avalanche. Front kick to the face, superkick, but Mark Henry won't fall down. Scissor kick hits! Booker is feelin' it - spinaroonie! Booker's up (nearly falling) and hits the missile dropkick. Cover, 2, big kickout. Booker goes for the sidekick, but Henry catches him and gets the powerslam. Cover, 2, KICKOUT. Mark Henry isn't happy with that. Charge to the corner, elbow shot from Booker, kick to the knees, Henry comes back in, and gets rolled up for 3. Booker also had the feet on the ropes because he's not good enough to beat Mark Henry. (06'13") You know, Mark Henry tries and I'm sure he's nice, but he sucks.

--The Stone Cold Truth will air next Wednesday on UPN.

--Commercials: John Cena for YJ Stinger blue, Metal Arms, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers extended version, AIR HOGS, Subway, Fire Emblem, 1-800-CALL-ATT.

--Visit WWE.com.

--LA RESISTANCE (490, different places) v. MARK JINDRAK & GARRISON CADE (533, different places): Lawler is starting to warm up to Jindrak and Cade. That makes one person. La Resistance jumps the gun but it doesn't turn out so well for them when they both get sent to the floor. Cade gets a mic - "Hey, alright you guys got our attention now. We are SICK of seein' your CRAP. And I'm pretty sure my fellow Texans here in Beaumont are sick of seein' your crap, too! Now, get back in this ring, because tonight, we are dedicating this match to the men and women of the armed forces for the United States of America!" How wonderful of him. Cade starts with Conway, basic stuff, tag to Jindrak, who comes in with a jumping karate chop to the back. Truly effective. Conway tags to Dupree. Jindrak ducks a clothesline and hits a springboard clothesline. The heels cheat by not tagging and then Conway chokes Jindrak. See? Right in a row, even. These guys know what's up. Dupree tagged back, but Jindrak gets a back suplex from Dupree's side headlock. Hot tag to Cade, who cleans house. CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL by Cade. Cover, 2, Conway makes the save. Jumping shoulderblock on Conway, followed with the lifted dropkick on Dupree for 3. (03'55")

--Backstage, SHAWN MICHAELS stands around with TOMMY DREAMER, then MAVEN joins the party. What an interesting scene that was. Shawn will talk about the Survivor Series...NEXT.

--Commercials: Project Gotham Racing 2, Burger King + The Cat in the Hat, Spawn Armageddon, Remington Titanium, Tony Hawk's Underground, The Last Samurai, Big Mutha Truckers, Stridex, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers extended version.

--We're back and at the booth with WHO SHOT JR? HAHAHA and THE KING. Shawn is backstage, and JR asks if he has anything to say about last night. Shawn does, but Eric Bischoff and some security or cops or whatever interrupt. "You know what? Since you wanna come out here for my interview, I'm gonna get something off my chest right here, right now. Eric, Steve Austin and I, we've never, we've never been friends. But over the last couple months I've come to know him a little bit, and it's real simple, he and I, we just, we just approach life differently, and that's okay! The one thing we have in common, is we love this job, and you - to you, it's just a business. To you it's about power and control, and how YOU, Eric Bischoff, can have more of both. This job is the one thing that brought just a little bit of peace to the stone cold heart that beats inside of Steve Austin, and you, you incredible dirtbag, you took that away from him." "No! No. Stop right there. Think about this, Shawn. Think about the truth for just a moment. I didn't lose that match last night. I didn't get beat in the middle of the ring. Eric Bischoff didn't force Stone Cold Steve Austin out of this business, Shawn Michaels did. Because that is the real truth, Shawn. So you're coming out here, pointing your fingers at me? I got a suggestion for you - go home. Look in the mirror. Because the man you'll be looking at, is the man you have to blame. Not me. Now if you don't mind, I've got business to take care of, and quite frankly, I don't have anything for you tonight. You're done. So why don't you leave? Gentlemen, escort Shawn Michaels from my building, please. Think about it, Shawn."

--Back to JR and the King, they talk Shane and Kane last night. Here are some stills. Shane will be released from the hospital later this week, and Thursday, Kane will appear on SmackDown! to eulogize the Undertaker.

--Backstage, SCOTT STEINER, TEST and STACY KEIBLER stand around. Steiner has called in his favor - tonight, he and Test will face the Dudley Boyz for the tag titles. Steiner demands a fresh start, no property crap, and Test agrees to it. You know it's really fortunate that Test had his leg killed, because now these two are just a couple of pricks that hang out with each other, which is so much better than Steiner as Test's slave. Steiner is worried about Stacy, but Test isn't because she's his property and does what she's told. Stacy drinks YJ Stinger (pink) and Test knocks it out of her hand. God, no wonder she didn't want to be his business manager anymore. This guy doesn't have a lick of sense. That's valuable sponsorship money.

--ROB VAN DAM warms up backstage - RVD v. Ric Flair for the intercontinental title - NEXT.

--Commercials: Sphinx and The Cursed Mummy, Skittles, Enter the Matrix, Taco Bell (ooh, fajitas), LeValley Buick-Pontiac-Cadillac-GMC (local), Attorney James E. Boardman (local).

--INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - ROB VAN DAM (champion, 235, Battle Creek, MI) v. RIC FLAIR (challenger, 234, Charlotte, NC): The referee alerts Rob Van Dam before the match that Eric Bischoff has banned the five star frog splash for this match. I guess that was Flair's favor. Randy Orton comes out with Flair and joins JR and King. The crowd doesn't seem to have a favorite here, they're just excited to see these two. Orton and JR trade some words, so Orton says he considers those two a legendary announce team. Lawler doesn't want to be a legend anymore. Trade of stuff for the first couple minutes, then RVD heads up top and Flair knocks him to the floor. Flair whips Van Dam into the steps. Lawler continues sucking up to Orton and Flair continues winning the match. Flair hooks the figure-four about three minutes in. RVD turns it over about 30 seconds later. Van Dam up, and Flair nails the chop block. Lawler and Orton are becoming pals in a hurry. JR just isn't doing much until they shut up and he can talk about the match. Van Dam with a crossbody, two count. Superkick! Van Dam up top, flying side kick. Orton has left the booth, and Van Dam hits the rolling thunder. Orton gets dropkicked off the apron, he comes back, and he gets a spin kick this time. LOW BLOW by Flair. Whooo. Cover, 2, kickout. Spinning heel kick from RVD. Van Dam seems like he doesn't care about being DQ'd (and why should he?), and he's going for the five star. Orton crotches RVD and hits the RKO to give Van Dam the DQ win. (06'33") Post-match, Orton takes a shine to the intercontinental belt.

--Backstage, THE HURRICANE and ROSEY are doing...something, and THE COACH walks by and tells them that the S.H.I.T. thing is never gonna fly. He finds his own joke hilarious, which, in turn, I find hilarious. Coach continues being on a roll when he enters Bischoff's office and says he's "doing great." That was probably the best delivery of his life. Next week, from Salt Lake City, we'll see the return of RAW Roulette.

--TONIGHT! Goldberg v. HHH, Orton and Batista.

--Feel the attitude and intensity of RAW live. Friday: Detroit. Saturday: Tacoma. Sunday: Yakima. Next week: Salt Lake City. Friday the 28th: Vegas.

--Commercials: SpikeTV Video Game Awards, Sonic Heroes, Subway, SmackDown!: Here Comes the Pain, Spawn Armageddon, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers extended version.

--The return of the Highlight Reel! CHRIS JERICHO says it's not his fault that Austin was in over his head and an overall failure as GM. But it is his fault that Austin is gone. Jericho wants a hell yeah if anyone's happy that he cost Austin his job, but apparently no one is. "Tex-assclowns" good one. Jericho can be really bad at saying things sometimes. Last night, a woman's dream was shattered - LITA. Jericho feels so bad for Lita. Lita didn't come here to be insulted by a jackass. What a jerk Lita is! Although it does beg the question of what, exactly, Lita did come out here for. Jericho has someone in the back that Lita is quite fond of. Someone whose contract just expired on SmackDown. His big return to RAW - MATT HARDY VERSION 1.0. I am greatly upset by the lack of Matt Facts. Good pop and JR is excited and mentions their romance. Hug! Kiss! Yay! "Hardy" chant. Matt looks like he's going to propose to Lita when who should interrupt but MOLLY HOLLY. What a lovely woman. Molly is really peeved that she beat Lita but the show is still revolving around Lita. Jericho suggests Matt Hardy and Lita against Molly and a partner of her choosing tonight, and Molly agrees to it. Lita and Matt don't but seem like they're fine with the idea. Molly chooses...Eric Bischoff. This isn't obvious or anything.

--WWE Unscripted ad.

--Commercials: Bond + She Spies, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Remington Titanium, The Last Samurai, Big Mutha Truckers, 1-800-CALL-ATT, Fire Emblem, Comcast digital cable: parental control (local), Country House Furniture (local), SpikeTV Video Game Awards.

--Backstage, Molly Holly's walk is interrupted by Bischoff. Bischoff seems upset, but Molly thought he'd be pleased. She talks him into it, though. If she's wrong, though, Lita gets a rematch. If she's right, Bischoff is firing Lita. Again.

--WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - THE DUDLEY BOYZ (champions, 550, New York, NY) v. SCOTT STEINER & TEST (challengers, 567, with STACY KEIBLER): Frankly I really like the Test and Steiner team. I'm not sure why, really. The crowd wants tables before we even get going. D-Von and Test start. Test wins the brawl, tag to Steiner, D-Von turns the tide, tag to Bubba. Bubba is for some reason not wearing kneepads and has some really short shorts, and it's kind of disturbing. He looks like he's in boxers and boots. Steiner with the overhead belly-to-belly, bicep kiss elbow, and he gets two. Steiner chokes him against the ropes, then Test follows that up. The heels don't tag but Test comes in anyway! Things are really looking up on this show these days. Test with a rear chinlock, and Stacy tries to get the crowd going for Bubba. Well she was the Duchess of Dudleyville. Lawler doesn't think women should think for themselves, and JR now understands all the divorces. Bubbabomb! D-Von gets the hot tag. Shoulderblock by D-Von, two count. D-Von dominates on Test until Steiner comes in, but here comes Bubba to even it up. Steiner dumped outside, D-Von follows. Bubba gets the jabs on Test, but Test thumbs him in the eye. Pumphandle slam, Bubba slides down, scoop slam (and a bad one). D-Von's up top - WHASSUP? Stacy is excited. D-Von administers last rites. D-VON! GET THE TA--no don't. Steiner suplexes Bubba, then heads outside to get a belt. He's going to hit Bubba, but Bubba ducks, and the Dudleys hit the reverse 3D. Test in and nails Bubba, then gets the uncle slam on D-Von. Cover, 2, kickout. Test wants Stacy to give him the belt, but she refuses. Test is mad, he turns around - 3D! 1, 2, 3. (06'47")

--Backstage, Matt and Lita are talking. Now's not the time for Matt to get to his question, but that time will come. Here's TRISH STRATUS, and she and Lita share a WE moment.

--TONIGHT! Goldberg v. HHH, Orton and Batista.

--There are legends and there are icons, then there is Ric Flair. The Ultimate Ric Flair! I'm buying it today.

--Commercials: John Cena for YJ Stinger blue, Project Gotham Racing 2, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers extended version, Sphinx and The Cursed Mummy, Timeline, Need for Speed Underground.

--Lugz Boot of the Week: Molly beating Lita last night.

--MOLLY HOLLY & ERIC BISCHOFF (no entrance) v. MATT HARDY & LITA (very little entrance): Lita and Molly start. Bischoff is still in his sportcoat and all that. Spinning headscissors from Lita, Molly comes back with a short clothesline. Molly chokes away. All she has to do is not make a tag. Snap suplex by Molly, cover, 2. Lita counters a scoop slam with a reverse DDT. Both women down. Bischoff wants the tag, so does Matt. That's a real mismatch. Bischoff gets the tag and drags Lita back, but she bitchslaps him. Bischoff takes off his coat, Lita dives for the tag...and Matt drops off the apron. Lita does a good job acting confused. Bischoff takes Lita down and cradles her for the pin. (02'27") Very little reaction to this since I assume everyone in the arena saw it coming. Bischoff screams at Lita that she's fired, and Matt has the mic. "You look surprised, Lita. Why? You wanna know the question that I was gonna ask you? Well here it is: how could you be so SELFISH? You broke your neck, Lita. The only thing you had to do was come join the LONELY Matt Hardy at SmackDown, but NO! That wasn't gonna happen, was it? You had to train, you had to make this great comeback, come back to RAW and win the women's title. And you couldn't even do that right. It's obvious to me, that the woman's title is more important to you than me, Matt Hardy version one! Your career is more important than our relationship! And fine, if that's how you wanna have it your way, because as far as I'm concerned, WE! ARE! THROUGH!" JR is sad.

--Commercials: Spawn Armageddon, The Missing, Tony Hawk's Underground, Skittles, Big Mutha Truckers, Foot Locker Converse, Stridex, X2.

--Replays of what we just saw.

--VAL VENIS (244, Las Vegas, NV, with LANCE STORM and SOME BROADS) v. RICO (228, homeless, with MISS JACKIE): God she's hideous. Val seems to disagree. Val dominates early with a back elbow and he goes for rolling verticals, but Rico slides down on the second one and drives his knees into the lower back. Rico with rights and lefts in the corner. What a feud this would have been in 1990. Rico stays in control, and the King is really, really, really starting to get on JR's nerves. The best part is the King just keeps going on and on. Rico gets some near-falls as JR tells King to look at Jackie and shut up. Rico works a chinlock. King goes over some potential matches JR could be in with RAW Roulette next week. "What if you were in a bra and panties match?" "WHAT IF YOU JUST STOOD UP RIGHT NOW AND KISSED MY ASS?" Hahaha. This match is awesome. The one between JR and King I mean. JR apologizes to the viewing audience, and King accepts. Venis with a shoulderblock, two count. VALBOMB! Two count. This match is actually pretty good, but then I like Val Venis. Neckbreaker from Rico, two count. Rico charges the corner, Val gets the boot up. Half-nelson slam, cover, 2, shoulder up. Val calls for the money shot and heads up, but Jackie goes after him. Nothing doing there, she's kicked to the floor. Rico has time though, but he's distracted by Jackie accidentally discovering Lance Storm's gigantic cock. And there's your nipple. Money Shot! 1, 2, 3. (06'01") Good match that would mean something if either of these two ever did anything but wrestle people like each other. Val and Lance dance with the ladies.

--Backstage Lita is leaving. She drops her keys. Lita, there's a dog in your bag! Here's CHRISTIAN. He's not here to rub it in, and he got her his job back. He used the favor Bischoff gave him to get her his job back. Aww, what a sweetheart. They're going to get out of here and go talk.

--Commercials: Metal Arms, Burger King + Cat in the Hat, True Crime: Streets of LA, Air Hogs, Roller Coaster Tycoon 2, Oak Express (local), Dodge (local).

--Austin video package.

--Here is a shot outside. Last night, Randy Orton gave Mark Cuban the RKO.

--Evolution finds that humorous. Randy just got done cashing in his favor with Bischoff: at Armageddon, Orton gets an IC title shot. Think of all the names that have held that title. Steamboat, Valentine, Pat Patterson, uh, Honky Tonk Man. HHH takes offense to Honky Tonk Man. Oh and HHH too. HHH wants them to concentrate on tonight. Also, let him get the pin.

--Backstage, Jericho and Trish meet up. Trish wants to know why Jericho set Lita up like that. He denies setting it up, and she buys it because women are fucking idiots. They kiss. You know, now that they're doing something with the wrestlers, I don't care about this anymore.

--NEXT! Goldberg v. HHH, Orton and Batista.

--Commercials: Bond + She Spies, Sonic Heroes, Lugz, Remington Titanium, SmackDown!: Here Comes the Pain, Timeline, MXC.

--RAW Roulette next week!

--3-ON-1 HANDICAP MATCH - TRIPLE H (272, Greenwich, CT), RANDY ORTON (245, St. Louis, MO) & BATISTA (321, homeless) (with RIC FLAIR) v. GOLDBERG (World Heavyweight Champion, 280, Atlanta, GA): Orton starts, and Goldberg dominates. Goldberg then takes out the other two. Press slam on Orton, and he's thrown to the outside, just short of HHH and Batista. Goldberg heads out and takes on all of them. And he wins. Inside, Batista gets the tag. Batista doesn't fall from a shoulderblock, and yells a lot. Goldberg fakes taking off again and clotheslines him instead. Powerslam! Cover, 2, HHH breaks the pin. Tag to HHH, trading rights, Goldberg wins. Single-underhook throw on HHH, and Goldberg is set. And the crowd is ready. Flair trips Goldberg, and HHH hits the high knee. Tag to Batista, and Goldberg is finally on the defensive. Tag to Orton, he works Goldberg over. Orton with a standing dropkick, tag to HHH. SPEAR! Clotheslines (two apiece) for Orton and Batista. Out goes Orton! Side slam for Batista, he bails. Jackhammer - Orton comes from behind to stop it. Orton and Batista double-up on Goldberg, but he runs through both of them. HHH gets the facebuster, then rolls away. RKO on Goldberg! Tag to Batista. Tigerbomb! HHH is tagged, and he hits the pedigree. Cover, 2, 3. (06'12") Goldberg still looks great, this was booked really well. HHH announces that next week, he's cashing in his chips: Goldberg and HHH next week for the world title. Now they're going to Pillmanize Goldberg's head, but we're interrupted by KANE. Orton and HHH both pee their pants. Evolution backs off and heads out. Kane pulls Goldberg up - CHOKESLAM! FIRE! GOODNIGHT!

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