NWA-TNA - 11.12.03
by Scott Christ
Well, I had sort of unofficially decided I couldn't handle anymore TNA recapping, at least for a good while, and I was more than happy to vacate my spot and let James Kalyn step in whenever he wanted to. I kept up with the product. Then it happened. Jeff Jarrett uttered the five words that just made me have to come back, at least for this week: The Total Package Lex Luger.
If Rick Steiner and Hacksaw Duggan just weren't enough to get me to come back so I could make fun of something, I didn't know what could be. But those five words: The Total Package Lex Luger.
Oh my.
Honestly, I've had about as much TNA as I can stomach. The show has gone from watchable to pretty good to awful in a remarkably short amount of time, no doubt coincidental to the re-rise of Jeff Jarrett as the #1 star, and the continued crappiness of Michael Shane as X champion, and someone thinking Quebecer Pierre would be good to have as a big guy that beats up all the little X division losers, who were the only thing TNA *really* had going for them in the first place as a "viable alternative" to WWE.
And who is to blame for all of that? Hulk Hogan. Just the mention of his name and showing some footage of him from Japan was enough to send these guys down the tubes creatively.
But what do I know, right? I pay for it anyway so I suppose they can feel free to drop dog turds in my cereal and laugh while I eat it, and go, "Oh TNA, did you put turds in my cereal again? You fuckin' guys!"
This show is titled TNA 11.12.03: RETURN OF THE PACKAGE, because that's what I put on the label of my tape. I plan to save this one forever.
--Let's all remember Michael Lockwood. What a guy, probably. Except probably not. Let's be honest.
--Recap of last week's Jarrett/Sting/Styles (and also Raven) stuff. Tonight? RETURN OF THE PACKAGE.
--Outside, SCOTT HUDSON is with JIMMY HART. Last week, Jarrett dropped the bomb: RETURN OF THE PACKAGE. Jimmy Hart is such a dork. Out of the limo steps A.J. STYLES. Styles realized that when Jarrett said he couldn't compete on the next level, that he *is* the next level. Wow! So maybe it's Jarrett and Luger that can't compete with A.J. Styles. STING jumps out of the limo to alert Nashville that it's showtime.
--Welcome to Total Nonstop Action! It's November 12, 2003, and we're live at the Asylum in Nashville, Tennessee.
--TEN-MAN GAUNTLET MATCH: This of course goes as a regular Royal
Rumble-style battle royal until two men are left, then it's pin or submission.
And this one's special, the winner and his tag team partner get title shots at
Diamond & Swinger next week? I think next week. B.G. JAMES and CHRIS
HARRIS start us out. Harris avoids being tossed out, then comes from the top
with a crossbody. James ducks a short-arm clothesline, jab combo, big right
misses, and Harris spears him. #3 is SONNY SIAKI (with TRINITY),
but he's tossed out at 01'32". Well, he sucks. Trinity is upset with
that outcome. Never in Don's wildest dreams would he imagine Siaki would be
eliminated that fast, and you know, I can back him up on that one. I've had some
wild dreams in my day, and NONE of them have EVER involved Sonny Siaki in a
battle royal. #4 is GLENN GILBERTI. Gilberti tries to stall, but he's
chased into the ring by James and speared by Harris. James and Harris take turns
kicking Gilberti, and #5 is Gilberti's partner, DAVID YOUNG. Gilberti
takes a breather and Young hits a crappy spinebuster on Harris. Powerslam on
James. I guess it's nice that Young isn't a TOTAL bumbling idiot. #6 is C.M.
PUNK, who has "Crash" written on his forearm tape, and he enters
with a springboard huracanrana on Young. Springboard crossbody on Gilberti, and
Punk is ON FAHR, taking out James too before he trades blows with Harris, who
gets a Thesz press and some mounted lefts. #7 is JAMES STORM. Storm with
a "super"kick on James, and they hit Young with the Hart Attack.
Gilberti is caught in a double-team hiptoss by AMW and tossed out at 06'05".
Where's Ekmo, it's about time for lots of fast eliminations. Well what do you
know, #8 is EKMO, wearing a shirt to honor Crash. Big fat belly-to-belly
on Punk, running ass-to-face on James, and then Punk is thrown out at 07'02".
David Young avoids an elimination. Oh, but there he goes at 07'21".
#9 is JULIO DINERO, who questionably goes right after Ekmo. James and
Harris eliminate each other at 07'38". Ekmo sure is bigger and
fatter than these other guys. Spin kick by Julio, and he is THRILLED with the
result of it. #10 is RON KILLINGS, who is Don's favorite wrestler ever.
Dinero is eliminated by Ekmo (and Killings, sort of) at 08'41". Ekmo
gets a banzai drop from the middle rope on both Killings and Storm, then
promises it's not over. He goes for it again, and they kick him out at 09'40".
We're down to Killings and Storm, who shake hands and then hook it up. Killings
with a powerslam, cover, two. Killings misses some kicks and does the splits and
then gets another one of Storm's wonderful "super"kicks for two. Storm
goes for the swinging reverse DDT, but Killings counters and gets an axe kick.
Both men down. Killings covers, two, shoulder up. Storm with a...thing, I dunno
what it's called, whatever, the cover doesn't happen because David Young (with a
tennis racquet) distracts Storm and the referee long enough for Gilberti to hit
Storm with an awful chairshot. Killings pins for the win at 13'00",
and he and James will have a title shot next week. This was OK, I suppose.
--Backstage, Scott Hudson is with DON CALLIS and REDSHIRT SECURITY. Callis doesn't think Styles can step up tonight. Callis says Raven needs a partner tonight against the Redshirts. ABYSS walks up and Callis talks to him. That's enough of that.
--MIKE TENAY is in the ring. Tuxedo of the week: tuxedo. Here comes JEFF JARRETT. Jarrett yells at Tenay and threatens him, then calls for DON WEST. Don's shirt/tie color of the week: black as the bats. I can't believe this guy really has a set rotation. Jarrett tells Don not to ask questions, since he has questions of his own: when? and where? Where is Hulk Hogan at, and when will he show his face? Don then asks a question. Extreme close-up on Mike Tenay, who is looking on disapprovingly. Jarrett talks trash about Hogan, blah blah blah, then he gets into tonight's tag team match. Here comes RAVEN, who has CRASH written on his stomach and VICTORIA written on his wrist tape. Did she die too? Raven is upset that Jarrett isn't talking about him after all that jibber-jabber about him fulfilling his destiny. Jarrett thinks Raven better think about finding a partner tonight, but Raven doesn't need a partner to take the title from Jarrett. Raven approaches, and the REDSHIRTS are out to attack. Northcutt pounds Raven's head with a mic, so Raven blades. Jarrett gets a stroke on an open chair, and Raven is left laying.
--Graphics about Michael Shane's X division challenge thing.
--X INVITATIONAL MATCH - CHRISTOPHER DANIELS (219, Los Angeles, CA) v. LOW KI
(171, Brooklyn, NY): I'm not even gonna lie, this match gives me a boner from
the get-go. Daniels is wearing his old Triple X shorts. Daniels hits a
shoulderblock after some jockeying for position, then Low Ki goes to work on the
arm. Mike makes mention (mmm mmm mmm mmm) that Chris Sabin is out of his
scheduled match with Chad Collyer due to X beating him up, and Sonjay Dutt will
be his replacement as he was the last person eliminated before the final five in
the battle royal the week before. Low Ki starts with the kicks, but Daniels hits
a springboard dropkick that sends Ki out to the floor. Daniels with a
split-legged moonsault press to the floor, then back in. Stomachbreaker from
Daniels, two count. Very little heat for this match which is annoying, but
really there was no heat in the battle royal either, so I guess it's all being
saved for Luger. In the rafters, TRACY of Shane Douglas' Franchise is taking
notes and pretending to be on a phone. Low Ki with a springboard front kick to
the face to turn the tide as Daniels had been dominating for a few minutes.
Daniels with a chop, then a Mongolian chop because he rules, but Low Ki lays in
with kicks to the chest. Daniels gives the XXX sign, Low Ki kicks it down, then
kicks him in the face. Cover, 2, kickout. Low Ki set up top, Daniels with a palm
thrust, and goes for the fall from grace - Low Ki gets an armbar up top! Out of
that, and Daniels is in control again. Double springboard moonsault is no good,
but Daniels lands on his feet. Low Ki with a kick, Don is going nuts. Shining
wizard is ducked by Daniels, but Low Ki flips it into a cross armbar. Jesus poo
shit that was slick. Low Ki with the dragon clutch on now, Daniels fights him
off and gets another palm thrust. Fall from grace! Angel's wings! Cover, 2,
kickout! Daniels hooks him - "Last Rites!" God, he never learns. Low
Ki counters out, another kick. Don makes mention that Low Ki has kicked him from
27 different spots and that's always good for a cheap pop. Well at least from me
and James Kalyn. Low Ki gets the dragon sleeper on the top rope, Daniels flips
him over, Low Ki gets a kick from the mat. Low Ki goes for the Ki Krusher,
Daniels cradles him, 2, 3! (09'44") Real good match, they shake hands
after. So what next? Why, X, of course! Daniels lasts all of about ten seconds
with X before falling victim to the Xecution (package piledriver). Low Ki just
watched it happen. Ugh, I guess that means Daniels will be gone for next week.
Ugh ugh ugh.
1/2
--Here are some shots of Tracy standing in her underwear by a ladder, and some video clips of Shane Douglas talking to mystery people.
--Backstage Raven is sitting down and bleeding, and Hudson wants to know if he's going to be able to go tonight. C.M. Punk yells at Hudson and is pretty sure the partner will be him or Julio. Boy, when Punk and Raven start feuding here, Julio isn't going to have ANYTHING to do.
--X INVITATIONAL MATCH - CHAD COLLYER (218, Cincinnati, OH) v. SONJAY DUTT
(185, India): Collyer is obviously going to play the heel because he tries to
attack before the bell. Dutt uses his speed. Man, Collyer is going to become one
of my favorite wrestlers with his Malenko worship. Dutt hits a springboard
crossbody to the floor and it gets absolutely no reaction. Don says Dutt reminds
him of Amazing Red. Tracy is in the rafters again! Hey! Do you ever notice that
it's always during X division matches!!?? Hey! Collyer takes over and we're back
into the ring. Collyer's working the knee just like Dean Malenko would. Vertical
suplex just like Dean Malenko would do. Mike Tenay is getting really catty with
Don West about the Jarrett thing earlier. Remember when Mike got all catty with
the Nitro Girls? That was awesome. Collyer is on the advantage, butterfly
suplex, much like Dean Malenko might do. Two count, and Collyer is going for the
Texas cloverleaf, but Dutt blocks. European uppercut by Collyer, chops and right
hands in the corner. Don West says Dutt might have thought his X division career
was over after he didn't make one of the top five spots last week. That would've
been pretty unfortunate. Dutt misses a dropkick and Collyer hooks the
cloverleaf! Dutt reaches the ropes, no one cheers. This crowd is awful. Dutt
turns it up a notch and hits the "Calcutt Cut." Now really, is it
seriously called that? Why would he call it the Calcutt Cut and not just the
Calcutta? Dutt gets a near-fall, follows up with an Asai moonsault, Collyer gets
a German suplex (w/bridge) for two. Collyer gets the cloverleaf again. Dutt
shifts his weight and cradles him for the win. (06'20") Two cradles, huh?
Weren't worried about that seeming repetitive? Here comes X to murder Dutt on
the ramp. The match was alright.
1/2
--It's another edition of The Interrogators. This week's guests: ERIK WATTS and GOLDYLOCKS. Watts shits all over Luger, and it's revealed that Goldylocks likes Prince, Van Halen and Motley Crue. Listen. Here's the problem with this. Poor Goldylocks has hair that either she washes with soap or doesn't wash at all, and to make matters horribly, disgustingly worse, she is wearing a nighty with a brown stain right under the breasts. I'm not trying to be a pig about this and say she's been getting Cleveland steamers on her tits or anything, I promise. I just find it to be truly upsetting that this woman is going on television with a brown-stain nighty on. It's really sad because I imagine her trying to pick what to wear and this was the best she could do. This was a genuine waste of time and a disturbing look into the lives of professional wrestlers.
--Backstage, Scott Hudson is going to talk to Lex Luger. Instead he gets Jeff Jarrett! Shut up, Jarrett.
--ABYSS (big, somewhere, with DON CALLIS) v. DON HARRIS (big, who cares, with CHRIS VAUGHN): Alright, no. The only thing I'm saying about this match is that we decided to count how many times Don Harris would bump. It was three. To be fair, he also ran once all the way across the ring and also tried to lift his leg a few times to kick. Abyss wins with the black hole slam. (07'10" too long) Mike says it was a "great contest." Mike is a liar. Post-match, Abyss beats up Vaughn, then Styles hits the ring and I'd call his fight with Abyss a draw. DUD
--Backstage, Scott Hudson is with 3 Live Kru. Konnan makes it clear that 3 Live Kru keeps it gangsta, then B-Jizzle rhymes "do" and "to" and "you," then AMW interrupts. Chris Harris is mad about the interference and lets them know that if they win, they'll be waiting for them. B-Jizzle says "the cracker, the brother and the latino."
--WHO WONTS A DAINTZ? Y'ALL WONT A DAINTZ?
--REDSHIRT SECURITY v. RAVEN & A MYSTERY PARTNER: I call Sandman. Raven comes out alone, bandaged up and wielding a garbage can. "I suppose that maybe I'd be foolish not to pick a partner. (Punk and Julio wait behind him) So I thought to myself, who's the filthiest, dirtiest, most evil person that I've ever fought? Who's the only person that beat me half to death and lived to tell about it? Now I don't know if I (cough), I don't know if I can trust him, but I figure, he can't hate me any more than he hates the two of you. So I'll introduce my partner - welcome, SANDMAN." Well I'm a brilliant genius! Sandman and Raven do a number on Northcutt and Wilson, then have a beer. This match is lots of brawling with Raven playing Ricky Morton as usual. Hot tag to Sandman, lots of cane shots, white russian legsweep on Northcutt, cover, 2. Sandman has the pin on Northcutt, but then LEGEND runs in and lays Sandman out. Northcutt pins, 2, 3. (07'43") The Redshirts and Legend do a number afterward, but here comes Julio and Punk. Punk yells at Raven for not picking one of them, then the heels beat them up too. Just in time, here's Erik Watts to kick everyone's ass! Next week, Raven, Sandman and Watts will take on the Redshirts and Legend in a clockwork orange house of fun match.
--At ringside, Mike and Don discuss current events and Don tries to sell things.
--STING & A.J. STYLES (with JIMMY HART) v. JEFF JARRETT & LEX LUGER
(with DON CALLIS): Sting and Jimmy Hart give A.J. the pointing-at, that's pretty
cool of them. Luger is in the robe and looks...old. Tenay mentions Miss
Elizabeth being dead but falls short of accusing Luger of murdering her. Luger's
pec-jiggle is a bit disturbing and gross now. Before the match gets started,
Callis takes the mic and says it's obvious that Styles has no business in the
same ring as Jarrett and Luger. Luger grabs the mic and agrees that A.C. Styles
doesn't belong there. Sting wants the mic now. Sting puts Styles over by saying
that Styles is totally out of their league. Boy this is already bad. We finally
get started, and Sting and Jarrett are going to kick it off. Crowd finally gets
up for something, so maybe the mic work at least did something there. Atomic
drop, Stinger Splash (move of the year!) misses, but Sting stays in control. Tag
to Styles, and Tenay is actually going to go along with pretending Styles has
something to prove. God, they spent a year making him a star just to piss it
away on Lex Luger? Styles works Jarrett over, Luger tries to get in, Sting cuts
him off. They go for stereo scorpion deathlocks, but both heels bail. Jimmy Hart
chants "yes" while the crowd chants "A.J." Man, Don West
knows to put Styles over ahead of Sting. When did Don West start KICKING MIKE
TENAY'S ASS? Tag to Luger after lots of stalling, and let's get a look at what
this turd's got left in the tank. Styles with a kick to the thigh, off the
ropes, Luger plays a wall. Luger with a press slam. Luger dominates Styles.
Very, very slowly. Tag to Jarrett, Styles is officially face-in-peril now.
Crappy spinebuster by Jarrett, cover, 2. Luger's back in and way gassed. He does
two things, walks around, and tags out. Jarrett taunts Sting and continues
working Styles over. Huracanrana is blocked, hot tag to Sting from Jarrett's
shoulders, but the ref didn't see it and Styles gets power bombed. Luger in now,
two more things and another tag. God he sucks. Styles takes a hard and ugly bump
to the floor that looks like it could have broken his shin, so Sting hits some
STINGER SPLASHES in the ring. Scorpion deathdrop on Jarrett, two count. He's not
legal but that NEVER MATTERS IN TNA. Luger calls for the rack on Sting, but
doesn't get it. Styles is on the top now, Luger can't catch the crossbody so
falls awkwardly, and Styles gets two. Sting beats Jarrett up outside, and inside
Luger is racking Styles. Sting hits Luger with the bat four times and Styles
gets the fluke roll-up on Luger for the pin. (10'34") Mike seems so shocked
that the former fucking world fucking champion managed to get a shitty win on a
guy who hasn't wrestled in three years. The match was pretty much what you'd
expect and wasn't really bad or anything.
1/2
That's probably it for me recapping TNA unless they have some awesome stretch again which is pretty unlikely to happen anytime soon.
