NWA-TNA - 07/30/03
by Scott Christ

Ladies and gentlemen and others, I have bad news. My friend, who has lots of money to waste, has decided we should watch TNA every week. Now, some of you might say, "Oh, wow, that's not so bad." Others of you might offer your sympathies. And still others of you will want to know why ESPN2 has a fishing commentator named Fish Fishburne. But the point is, I'm not paying for this.

--Last week on TNA, AJ Styles retained the NWA championship by beating D'Lo Brown in a two-out-of-three falls match where the third and deciding fall was a ladder match, in which Sonny Siaki interfered to keep D'Lo from winning the belt with Styles out cold on the floor, then they both grabbed the belt and fell at the same time and 15-year old senior official Rudy Charles decided that Styles was still the champion. So I guess it was a draw? I don't know. Or care.

--Outside of the TNA Asylum, Scott Hudson is waiting for a limo door to open up. Out steps Trinity! Out steps NWA champion AJ Styles! Styles has "no comment." Here's Sonny Siaki. They're making a documentary on Siaki, see. But Hudson points out that it's a documentary about the entire roster. Siaki calls him a knucklehead, and that's that. Wow so they have Scott Hudson and yet Don West is the color commentator. Brilliant.

--Old NWA footage! EXPLODE! XTREME TNA!

--Live on July 30, 2003 from the TNA Asylum. Your commentators are The Professor Mike Tenay and Don West.

--Elix Skipper (unknown weight, Atlanta, GA) v. Jerry Lynn (212, Minneapolis, MN): Skipper carries a scale to the ring because he is, pound-for-pound, the best wrestler and the best athlete in the world. Skipper starts fast, goes for the Play of the Day, blocked, and Lynn gets la magistral cradle for the pin at 00'26". Okay. Skipper takes the mic and says there's no way Lynn beat him in his own house, and that Lynn isn't half the man he is or that they say he is. He should do two-out-of-three, and he will. Spin kick from Skipper is ducked, Lynn gets a back suplex. Superkick from Skipper. Don West is as bad as he was five months ago. Maybe worse. Skipper smothers Lynn on the mat which proves something or other, I suppose. Lynn fires back with rights, whip reversed, Skipper telegraphs. Lynn is thrown out -- no, just crotched on the middle of the rope. Whooooa, ropewalk huracanrana. That's pretty impressive. Oh god with the Don West. Skipper slowly does heel crap which makes no sense, really. I mean he's a heel and all but why be all slow when your thing is that you're really fast. Tenay mentions The Undertaker. Skipper on the apron, Lynn goes for...something but just falls. Then Skipper bumps on the apron? Then he flips over and almost falls down and hits a terrible clothesline? MAN. SO GOOD. Skipper goes to the mat now. Good idea. Lynn charges the corner, Skipper gets a boot up. Headstand legdrop, two count. Don West notes that Elix has the big M.O., MO on his side. (Momentum for those of you that don't play EA's NCAA football games.) Lynn with a backdrop and a "swinging sit-out neckbreaker," which is really just a swinging neckbreaker. Lynn from the middle rope into a tornado flatliner, two count. Lynn signals for the cradle piledriver, but Skipper counters with a slingshot. Referee Andrew Thomas gets bumped, and Skipper has the scale. Ducked, Lynn gets a dropkick into the scale. One, two, three at 06'04" and Jerry Lynn wins two straight falls. This was okay except for that one horrible spot. 1/2

--Nice shirt and tie, Don West. Nice rental tux, Mike Tenay. They talk about stuff, including things about how young guys don't respect the legends. Tonight, the disrespectful Kid Kash takes on the legendary Ricky Morton. X division champion Chris Sabin defends against the cousin of the great Shawn Michaels, Michael Shane. Not only that, but Raven and some people take on Shane Douglas and The New Church in a Clockwork Orange House of Fun match. Jeff Jarrett against Legend in a baseball bat/guitar-on-poles match. That's the main event. That.

--Uh Don West just said to get the action started, but instead all we're doing is getting Sonny Siaki and Trinity out for a promo. Siaki tries doing something clever with his first line but just ends up looking stupid. Actually, that's kind of what happens during the whole promo. Ahahaha I muted my digital cable here to listen to "The Cheat is Not Dead." Well I can't tell you what Siaki's saying, but if I remember correctly we got the gist of it anyway. Okay, yes, if D'Lo Brown has a problem with what Siaki did last week, he should bring his "Krispy Kreme booty to the ring." Instead we get a terrible graphic that lets us know that NWA champion AJ Styles is heading out instead. Nice hair, Rob Thomas. Styles relates himself to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Lennox Lewis, all champions because they've earned it. Styles says maybe Siaki forgot his role, and gets a "know your role" chant. What the fuck, what is this? WWF Attitude? KANE LIVES. STOMP STOMP. KANE LIVES. Styles carries the belt, Siaki carries his bags. He wears the tuxedo, Siaki rides his coattails. Do tuxedoes have coattails? Siaki makes a bad joke, and Styles slaps him, then says he doesn't need Trinity (that rat) or Siaki, he just needs the belt. Here's D'Lo Brown, also accompanied by horrible graphics. D'Lo talks to Styles, saying he doesn't need Trinity or Siaki and he "better get the hell rid of Vince Russo." D'Lo sees competitive fire and crap. He knows AJ watched the match over and over, and wants one last match for the title. AJ has doubts about their match last week, but doesn't want to think about it. This promo is really long and boring. Eventually, Siaki clips D'Lo, then Styles stops them...haha, no, he joins in. They all beat up D'Lo. Here comes Erik Watts, Director of Authority! Chokeslam on Siaki. Watts makes a match for next week with Siaki and Trinity barred from ringside, and Russo handcuffed to Watts, and it'll be D'Lo v. Styles in a caaaage for the NWA title. Okay thank god this is over.

--In the back, Scott Hudson is in Raven's Lair. Raven and Julio Dinero are sitting there. CM Punk is not coming. Raven does a cool promo because he's awesome. It'll be 3-on-2, but Raven will have his revenge. Wait, no, Alexis is coming too. Man she's pretty hot. She almost trips on the way out, but that's okay.

--SEXY TNA GIRL DANCING. OH MAN SO SEXY.

--Here's Don Callis, MBA. Marketing 101 says, give the people what they want. Oh he's with a big fat guy named Edward Chastain too. What the people want, according to Don, is Chastain against The Sandman. No hardcore crap allowed, or the Sandman will be downsized. Okay.

--Edward Chastain (500, parts unknown, with Don Callis) v. The Sandman (252, Philadelphia, PA): Don Callis joins the broadcast team, and says there's brand confusion and Don West needs to change his first name. Hahaha. Chastain with a bodyslam and a big fat legdrop. Sandman dumped to the floor, Chastain goes for a somersault splash from the apron but misses. Sandman sets up a chair and springboards off of it with an avalanche thing against the guardrail. Sandman is exhausted. He grabs the cane, Rudy Charles stops him. He grabs the hard ten trophy, and it swipes Charles, and he's sort of down. Sandman with a cane shot and the white russian legsweep, that's it at 02'08". Pretty awful! Sandman gets his trophy back. DUD

After the match, Callis takes the mic and says Edward disappointed the customers. Callis puts on a rubber glove and says what he's about to do will hurt him more than it will hurt Edward. He shakes his hand, haha, and lets him go. He's a victim of corporate downsizing.

--Earlier Today, Shark Boy was sad. Athena has Hulk Hands and wants to cheer him up. Nor-MAN Smi-LAY has Chutes and Ladders, but Sharky Boy doesn't want to play. Then Norman teaches him the big wiggle. Now they're partners, since New Jack is suspended and Shark Boy needed a new one.

--Simon Diamond & Johnny Swinger (with Glen Gilberti) v. Shark Boy & Nor-MAN Smi-LAY: Swinger and Diamond jump the gun, then catch Shark Boy going for a double crossbody, but get dropkicked down by Smiley. Boy this is a real pier-six brawl. Double-team side slam and reverse DDT from Diamond and Swinger. Three suplexes from Diamond, two count. Shark Boy is getting killed. Swinger tags in, and Shark Boy IS RIGHT UNDER NORMAN SMILEY'S HAND BUT DOESN'T TAG. That is really annoying. It bothers me the whole match. Shark Boy in the tree of woe, then he gets down and screws up Swinger, who had set up to run all the way across the ring. So he just does a running knee attack. Lots of Shark Boy masks in the crowd that conveniently are only worn during this match and will soon be available on TNA.com. Don't forget that. Haha I muted it again. Swinger is choking Shark Boy and the referee is like, "hey! you stop!" Swinger is taunting and stuff. Now I have sound. Back suplex from Shark Boy to finally get in the match. A...thing by Shark Boy and he gets the "hot" tag to Norman Smiley. Running elbow, two clotheslines, Diamond in, asshit. Winding bodyslam on Swinger. Diamond caught, ass-smackery. Swinger "caught," Smiley with a rollup of sorts but he just pulls him up. Blind tag to Shark Boy was made, and he gets a missile dropkick on Swinger. Shark Boy caught with the Problem Solver (combination belly-to-belly lift and DDT) and that's it at 05'02". DUD

After the match, Gilberti takes the mic (how original). Last week, they beat up America's Most Wanted, and this week it'll be Jeremy Borash. This goes back to a couple weeks ago, when Borash wrote a column on TNA.com about AMW being the best tag team. Speaking of which, America's Most Wanted are here now to make the save. One of them challenges Diamond and Swinger to a "rawhide strap match" next Wednesday. They accept.

--Earlier this week, Mike Tenay sat down with an in-depth talk with Vince Russo. Here's the edited version of it. It's lame.

--Backstage, Scott Hudson is with Chris Sabin. Hudson asks when Frankie Kazarian will get another shot at Sabin's title. Sabin has gone to the RVD school of promos. Erik Watts is here, and he offers to give Sabin's match tonight a special referee. Here's Frankie Kazarian in stripes, he's the referee.

--I just can't handle this much sexy dancing.

--X Division Championship Match with special referee Frankie Kazarian - Michael Shane (weight unknown, San Antonio, TX, challenger) v. Chris Sabin (weight unknown, parts unknown, champion): Oops, I accidentally changed the channel to George Lopez. Then we freaked out. But we're back for the start, don't worry. Sabin with a wristlock to start, and Shane does some flippy-floppy to get out. Reversal, same thing from Sabin. Michael Shane is wearing too much white. Wristlock reversed into a drop toe-hold and then a waistlock by Shane. Backed into the corner, Sabin with rights and a whip to the other side. Kick-up by Shane, armdrago. Clothesline ducked, waistlock, Sabin elbows out, off the ropes, Shane with a huracanrana. Leg lariat from Shane, two count. Sabin on the advantage now, but dropped to the apron. From the apron, springboard, dropkick to the back of the head by Sabin, sending him to the floor. Baseball slide, but Shane gets back in as Sabin goes out. Forearm smash sends Sabin off the apron. Shane flies over the ropes with a somersault plancha, pretty move. Back in, Shane goes up top. Sabin cuts him off - throws him onto the ropes crotch-first, then dropkicks him to the floor. Sabin setting up now - running springboard plancha! Back in, cover, two. Sabin slows it down now with a surfboard/bodyscissors. He just lets him go, then sets him up on the top rope. Sabin looking for perhaps a flying bulldog, but Shane counters with a swinging neckbreaker from the middle rope, this time called a "twisting sit-out neckbreaker" by Tenay. Shane ducks a clothesline, hits a flying burrito. Sabin blocks a vertical suplex, Shane blocks a reverse DDT, flatliner by Shane! One, two, no. Biiiig springboard torando DDT from Sabin, two count. Sabin bounces off the ropes, WHAM SUPERKICK from Shane. Two count. Sabin gets Shane up in a dominator position, then spins it into a DDT. Two count! (This is a good match.) Sabin goes and gets the championship belt, but Frankie Kazarian takes it from him before he can use it. Sunset flip by Shane, two count! Sabin with a kick, then shoves Kazarian away - Kazarian hits the Wave of the Future! Shane covers, two before Rudy Charles runs in to stop the count. While both referees are arguing, Sabin nails Shane with the belt and covers for the pin at 09'00" even.

--Let's take a really cheap video look at Mad Mikey, who gets really mad at things. Was Mad Mikey really the best name they could come up with? He is a humorous actor, at any rate. Don't worry, everyone, Mad Mikey will return next week.

--Oh my god with the dancing. I have such a huge erection and want to masturbate.

--Last week, Kid Kash disrespected legends because he's a young punk.

--Backstage, Scott Hudson is with Ricky Morton. Ricky Morton may have taught Kash all he knows, but not all HE knows.

--Kid Kash (weight unknown, Johnson City, TN) v. Ricky Morton (weight unknown, Nashville, TN): Ricky Morton looks like he's in great shape. Well, that's unfairly sarcastic. He's not in bad shape considering his age and stuff. Sara Lee is at ringside because nobody doesn't like her. Morton outsmarts Kash to start with hiptosses and armdrags. Clothesline to the floor, Morton is in control because he's wise. WTF Ricky Morton with a suicide dive? No shit. He's a bit slow getting back in and is caught with a dropkick though. On the floor again, Kash misses a baseball slide. Morton panders to the camera and gets dropped on the steps. Kash with a flying clothesline, two count. Morton no-sells a chop which is annoying. Again. Morton with rights and uh...rights. Don West says that proves he can still go. I say it proves he can still throw fake punches. Kash comes back with a keylock. Sara Lee leads a small "rock n' roll" chant. Kash stays in control because he's young but I have a feeling Ricky Morton, being wise, has some tricks up his sleeves. Kash tries to springboard across the ring with a seated dropkick but Morton just, like, moves. Morton with a dropkick, which apparently the Rock n' Roll Express have patented. Off the ropes, Morton with a sunset flip for two. Pin reversal spot, near falls. Kash with a thumb to the eye. Don West calls this "fairly decent." At least he's moderately honest. Morton goes for a huracanrana and nearly screws it up but he, Kash or he and Kash save it. Here's Abyss with a sit-down torture rack backbreaker with Rudy Charles distracted, and Kash wins at 06'09". This could have been a lot worse, really. 1/2 Kash tries to get at Sara Lee and Corsica Joe after the match to no avail.

--Konnan, B.G. James and Ron Killings go to a Mexican restaurant. This segment is actually fairly funny. James gets diarrhea and Killings drinks too much tequila and Konnan doesn't get anything because he's Mexican. Next week, they go to a trailer park.

--The Sexy Boner-Inducing Cage Dancing Girls call out The Bitchslap Girls, and here they come with Trinity. Trinity lets Nurse Veronica and Cheerleader Valentina go to the ring alone, though. The Sexy Boner-Inducing Cage Dancing Girls get the best of this fight.

--Video for Christopher Daniels where he talks about eliminating tradition, because I can't get enough young guys v. tradition guys. This is really good except for their el cheapo video tricks. He returns next week. Don West is excited about this.

--Clockwork Orange House of Fun video thing.

--Clockwork Orange House of Fun Match - Shane Douglas (259, Pittsburgh, PA) & The New Church (with Father James Mitchell) v. Raven, Julio Dinero & Alexis: Raven's video thing is really good for being made by amateurs. Raven's team cleans house to begin. Alexis is HOT. This is falls count anywhere, which they have reminded me 10 times so I thought I'd tell you. Alexis goes for a crossbody onto all three and they predictably catch her. Julio does the same and they sort of catch him. Raven wins, though. Julio and Slash pair off, Raven and Shane pair off and I guess Brian Lee and the girl pair off. How fair. Shane Douglas apparently just woke up. Fuck him, I hate Shane Douglas. Shane clotheslines Raven off the guardrail to the crowd, and Slash creams Julio with a trash can. Raven and Julio are both bleeding already. Alexis gets destroyed by a thrown trash can. Man that's hot. James Mitchell gets a shot in on Julio. Julio is getting killed and so is Raven. I think Alexis is dead. Slash breaks off pieces of a crutch and digs into Julio's cut with it. Raven's team is getting murdered. This has good heat because the faces are being killed to death. Slash gets a whirling throw-off power bomb on Alexis. That's mean! Julio continues to die. Slash throws Raven in the ring now. Shane with his horrendous belly-to-belly suplex. That's the worst move in the history of wrestling. Julio ducks a flying Slash to roll Lee up, and gets two. Shane slowly "runs" across the ring and "hits" a clothesline to send Julio to the floor. Douglas gets Alexis and holds her up, but she ducks and Shane is booted to the floor. Alexis huracanranas Slash to the floor, and Brian Lee beats her up. These dicks are just using every opportunity they have to grab her breasts and/or crotch and it's making me just sick. Just absolutely sick. How dare they. Raven and Julio hit a double superkick on Lee, and then they grab trash can lids. Oh man Raven is fired up. The faces come back! Double abdominal stretches on Shane and Slash, and Alexis hammers them with a singapore cane. She should've hit them in their dicks, those dicks. Raven gets a faceslam on Slash, who is now bleeding. Raven and Julio with a double-team lid shot on the Frenchfries. Alexis tries to beat up Brian Lee some more but he's really not into that kind of thing. Julio clotheslines Lee over the top, and his big M.O., MO takes him over too. Raven on the middle rope with Douglas on the table on the floor, and he drops an elbow. Alexis hits a swinging DDT on Slash, but now Lee chokeslams her as Raven is pulled under the ring by the white arm again. Slash heads up top to do something to Alexis, but Julio cuts him off. Julio off the top, and he and Lee nail each other with lids. Raven is back from under the ring but he's dead or whatever. Shane covers, that's it at 09'43". This was really entertaining, which is all you can ask for.

--Backstage, Scott Hudson is with some cage and D'Lo. D'Lo thinks he'll win next week. In the cage.

--Mike and Don talk about crap.

--Backstage, Scott Hudson is with some cage and AJ Styles. Styles thinks he'll win next week. In the cage.

--Here's some pretaped comments from Jeff Jarrett and Legend. Who the shitting crap is Legend?

--Baseball Bat and Guitar on Poles Match - Legend (261, parts unknown) v. Jeff Jarrett (238, Hendersonville, TN): They brawl to start, with Legend winning because he's so big and powerful. Legend is sort of built like Rick Fuller but not as big. Just as squarely round though. To the floor we go, and Jarrett takes control. Back in, Jarrett with rights. Is Legend like, Jeff Jarrett's cousin? Because I don't understand why Jeff Jarrett would be doing a program with this guy if not. And that's sad, to refer to Jarrett as marquee talent like that. Legend comes back with a fireman's carry slam. Legend with a surfboard thing that puts him in a pin, two count for Jarrett. Legend with a backbreaker after catching Jarrett in mid-air, two count. Legend climbs to get the guitar, which is odd since that's not HIS favorite weapon. Jarrett power bombs him out of the corner, and Don West goes nuts because he dropped 280 pounds like it was nothing. To note, they announce him at 261, West says he's 280, and Tenay later says over 270. Legend with a powerslam, and he wants the guitar again I guess. Jarrett cuts him off again, this time slamming him from the top. How impressive! He can drop weight! Stroke hits, and Jarrett wants Sting's bat. These two fuckers don't make no sense at all. Sonny Siaki is here! Siaki grabs the bat from Jarrett, but doesn't use it or anything, because Jarrett needs to beat him up and throw him to the floor. Legend has the bat and drills him in the head. Cover, two, guess what, no. Don West says he must've just grazed him. I don't buy that for one second. Siaki comes back and tries to fetch the guitar, but the black shirt security is here. Jarrett sends Legend into Siaki and grabs the bat. Siaki just stands there and lets Jarrett wind up and hit him in the knee. I guess he hoped that Jarrett would take his pleading to heart and let him slide. Kevin Northcutt of redshirt security stops Jarrett from using the bat, Legend has a pin, two. How dramatic. Jarrett takes the advantage back and goes for the guitar, but Legend stoooooooops hiiiiiiiiiiiim. I waaaant thiiiiiis tooooooo eeeeeeeend. They fight on the top and Jarrett gets the stroke from the top. Jarrett climbs, he has the "trademark guitar." Jarrett balances, jumps, and uh. Legend just kind of stands there. And Jarrett decides not to hit him. How nice! This sucks dick. Legend off the top with the bat, but Jarrett nails him with the guitar. From the second rope - el kabong. Cover, two, three at 09'01". This was bad.

Here's Christopher Daniels! Daniels attacks Jarrett, getting an arabian moonsault to the floor. Daniels destroys Jarrett to close the show, and that's that. See you next week, I guess.

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