--Your commentators for this opening Heat match are SmackDown's Michael Cole and Tazz.
--Heat Match: Rey Misterio Jr. v. Jamie Noble (with Nidia): Cubs recapped this match in his Heat report and I won't do it nearly as well but I consider it part of the card so I'll do it too. Here are clips from SmackDown where Jamie interfered in Nidia's paddle-on-a-pole match against Torrie Wilson, and him dropping her on her head. Misterio with rights, whipped to the corner, leg scissors off the top rope. Noble dumped outside, Rey with a huracanrana off of the apron. There's Nidia's ass. Tazz says Nidia is so good at making out with guys that she could suck Misterio's mask off. Rey up top, Noble catches him with a dropkick, TWOOOOOOO says the crowd. They do that all night, it's wonderful. Gutbuster from Noble, TWOOOOOO. Noble surfboards the back as Cole says this is a real treat for normal Heat watchers who don't have to watch shitty Raw brand matches this week. Noble sets Rey up face-down with his arms hooking the bottom rope, and goes for a legdrop, but Misterio moves. Good thing, I was worried he'd crush his face. Off the ropes, Rey with a springboard crossbody, TWOOOOO. Rey with a bridge, TWOOOOO. Powerslam from Jamie, TWOOOOO. Rey in the corner, boots up, kick out, caught, electric chair from Noble, TWOOOOO. Nidia is upset. Jamie goes for a tiger driver, blocked, obvious clapping on the enzuigiri, 619 is stopped by Nidia, but not for long, as Rey sends Jamie into her gut (killing her baby, natch). 619! West Coast Pop, but Jamie ducks. Rey lands on his feet, huracanrana, three count at 04'34".
--And now we go to the real live pay-per-view, sponsored by Starburst Sour.
--Pyro pyro pyro boom boom boom boom boomboomboom.
--Tonight's Raw match commentators are Jonathan Coachman and Jerry "The King" Lawler. Jim Ross is taking the night off due to a concussion suffered at the foot of Eric Bischoff.
--Chris Jericho v. Jeff Hardy: Before the match, they do the whole Bret got screwed here bit in passing. Get it out of the way, very good. It is important to note that earlier tonight on Heat, Jericho got Eric Bischoff to ban Shawn Michaels from ringside. Jeff is covered in that retarded body paint and I'm worried that he'll be terrible tonight. Jeff starts off hot with lots of rights and a backdrop, then a spinning headscissors. Jericho comes back, though, and Coach says he's on fire. Lawler asks, "No pun intended?" I don't get it. Jericho charges the corner, Jeff moves, and Jericho bounces off the top turnbuckle and flies to the floor. Springboard twisting plancha from Hardy. Back in, Jeff gets an iffy ropeflip moonsault, TWOOOOO. Back out, Jeff goes for the security wall run thing, but Jericho avoids it and flapjacks him onto the steps. Jericho rolls him back in. Jericho works the half-and-half crowd with some cocky strutting. Dropkick to the head, goes for a slam, Jeff gets a rollup, TWOOOOO. Chinlock from Jericho. Jeff rallies out, but whammo, hair pull down to the mat. Chop, whoooo. Chops, whoooos. Jericho charges the corner, Jeff moves, Jericho drives his shoulder into the pole. Jeff goes for a monkey flip but fucks it up something awful, TWOOOOO. Enzuigiri from Jericho, TWOOOOOO. Jericho faceslam! Jeff with a DDT, TWOOOOO. The crowd has pretty much lost control of what they want to do as far as cheering. Whisper in the Wind, TWOOOOO. Jeff is frustrated. Walls of Jericho! Jeff makes the ropes! Jericho thought he won, as usual when that happens. Jericho heads up top, but Jeff catches him with a flying hiptoss. Shirt off, squeeeeeeeeeal!!! Swanton bomb! One, two, Jericho gets a foot on the rope. No twoooooo this time, too many people bought it. Jeff spits his gum out and it gets stuck in Jericho's hair. Hardy roll-up, TWOOOOOO. Jericho springs out of the corner, but blammo, nice dropkick from Jeff. Reverse Twist of Fate! Jeff heads up top, swanton bomb #2 misses! Lionsault! One, two, NO. Jericho goes for a back suplex, Jeff slips out and messes up his rollup, two count. Jericho with a pin and his feet are on the ropes, TWOOOOO. Jericho up top again, Jeff catches him again, this time crotching him. Jeff up with him, power bomb by Jericho! Walls of Jericho! Jeff fights but taps out at 12'56". This match ended up really good besides a couple of dunderheaded crap spots from Jeff.
1/2Jericho keeps the hold locked on, but here comes Shawn Michaels! Shawn takes it to Jericho, but here's Christian! Jericho and Christian do a number on Shawn for about five seconds before he catches them with a nice double DDT, dumps Jericho, and hits Christian with sweet chin music. The crowd booed Shawn at first and then cheered him. Nice of them to forgive him five years and change later.
--Backstage, Kurt Angle is with Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas. Angle is giving a pep talk. "Alright, listen. I'm gonna prepare you guys for tonight. Now we're not in America, we're in Canada. And this country is filled with bitter and jealous people who have no Olympic heroes of their own. Or at least none that are worth mentioning. The point is, these people tonight, they may say, 'you suck.' But don't you listen to them. 'Cause a bunch of Canadians who wanna be French - they suck. You see, we're champions - us! Not Benoit. Not Edge. And not Lesnar. And I will be DAMNED if the three of us team up for the first time and lose to a walking gorilla and two canucks! And tonight, Brock Lesnar is gonna get a little taste of what it's gonna be like at Wrestlemania. We will win. Gentlemen, WE. WILL. WIN. Now I have an idea that's gonna give us an early advantage. Now listen, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. Now tonight, when we go out there" and that's all we get before the camera goes away.
--In the parking lot, The Evolution arrives at the arena and OH MY GOD IN THE BACK IS AUSTIN'S TRUCK. OH HELL YYYYYYEAHHHHHHH.
--World Tag Team Championship Match - Rob Van Dam & Kane (challengers) v. Lance Storm & William Regal (champions): RVD and Storm start, hopefully they won't stink it up like they did on Raw last Monday. Lots of fast stuff where they duck and kick and move and shuck and jive. RVD ends on the advantage. Tag to Regal, that should help it slow down. RVD rolls out of a wristlock, Regal follows suit. Spinwheel kick and a split-legged moonsault, TWOOOOO. Kane gets the tag, he does something (I was picking my nose), TWOOOOOO. Big slam from Kane that knocks Regal fucking loopy because Kane dropped him on his head. Storm breaks up a pin and then they help him to the corner to tag out. Gorilla press on Storm, toss to the corner, rights and knees and elbows and thrusts. Short-arm clothesline, TWOOOOO. Storm goes to the floor, confers with Regal, and RVD flies out onto Storm. Van Dam and Storm legal back inside, and RVD comes back in with a slingshot legdrop, TWOOOOO. Tag to Regal, RVD fights out of the corner. Regal appears okay, but RVD is cleaning house so who knows. Flying sidekick, up top, but Storm pushes him off to the floor and into the security wall. Back in, Regal gets his half-nelson suplex that he does to spineless RVD. Tag to Storm. Storm with a flurry of mounted rights while at the same time giving RVD's backside a furious humping, TWOOOOO. Rights in the corner. God when did Lance Storm turn into Captain Punch? Sidekick, TWOOOO. Tag to Regal, kneedrop, TWOOOOO. TWOOOOO. TWOOOOOO. Regal with a full nelson, RVD butts out, sunset flip but not before Storm gets a tag he can't see. Storm with a DDT, TWOOOOOO. Legdrop from Storm, TWOOOOOO. Chinlock. Storm tags Regal, who rushes over to stop RVD from getting the hot tag. Storm then goes and distracts Kane on the outside and RVD again can't tag, but that's okay, because five seconds later he can. Flying clothesline! Kane is going wild with lots of Kane moves. Like punches and backdrops. Avalanche, avalanche, big boot on Storm, sidewalk slam on Regal, TWOOOOOO, Storm breaks the pin. Kane sets for the chokeslam on Regal, but Storm jumps on his back and tries to rip his mask off. Blind tag to RVD, who gets in, nails Storm, backs into Kane, and gets chokeslammed by accident for the Regal pinfall at 09'18". This was the same Regal & Storm title defense we've seen for two months but kicked up half a notch. After the match, Kane pleads his case but RVD doesn't wanna hear it. I guess that starts a set-up for RVD with a winnable yet worthless match for Wrestlemania.
--Buy Divas: Satin, Leather & Lace, available all February on PPV.
--Josh Matthews is with Matt Hardy v1.0, who is with Shannon Moore. Josh asks him if he's had trouble making weight for his match. "Well of course I did, Josh. I had to lose ten pounds in two weeks, that's close to impossible. But Mattitude believes in allowing the impossible to happen. You see Josh, Mattitude is a frame of mind - excuse me!" There's Jeff Hardy. "Hey Jeff! You know, if you weren't so wrapped up in your...imag-ah-nation, and you would have continued to be a Mattitude follower like you were all those years past, you probably wouldn't lose every match you're in these days. You ever thought about that?" Jeff smacks Matt and leaves, Shannon holds Matt back.
--Cruiserweight Championship Match - Billy Kidman (champion) v. Matt Hardy v1.0 (challenger, with Shannon Moore): Matt fact: Matt is annoyed by snow & ice. Matt fact: Matt takes hot tea with milk & sweetener. Tazz is playing up a boxing-style angle that Matt made weight on Thursday but has bulked back up for the match tonight. Slam from Matt, big flex. Armdrags from Kidman, huracanrana called a legscissors by Cole. Kidman hiptossed to the apron, and sent HARD into the pole. Man Kidman took that like a son of a damn bitch. Matt with some driving elbows on the apron. Elbow to the chest, legdrop, only gets one. Another cover, another one, and the crowd tries a OOOOOONE but it doesn't work. Neckbreaker, TWOOOOOO. Matt goes for the side effect, but Kidman counters with a rolling pin, TWOOOO. Matt gets something fast that I missed, TWOOOOO. Running rope-assisted Mike Enos, cover, Matt tries to get the ropes for leverage, TWOOOOO. Matt with a front facelock. Kidman gets up and knees out, and now locks in a sleeper. Ricochet, TWOOOOOO. Matt goes for a half crab, but Kidman powers up and hits him with an enzuigiri. Both men down, Kidman up first. Right blocked, right, right blocked, right, clothesline, clothesline, rydien bomb, TWOOOOO. Matt clotheslines out of the ropes and hits his suicidal legdrop from the second rope, TWOOOOO. Matt goes for the Twist of Fate, but Kidman shoves him off and hits a dropkick. Matt falls out of the ring and Kidman hits a slingshot plancha. Back in, Kidman up top, caught with a kick, Twist of Fate not happening, Kidman with a sunset flip, TWOOOOO. Side effect, TWOOOOO. Kidman with a swinging bulldog, knocking Shannon off the apron at the same time, but the shooting star press misses! Twist of Fate (taken extremely well)! TWOOOOOOO. Goodness at the near falls. Matt puts Kidman up top and goes for...something, but Matt just falls off and Kidman is there doing nothing. Shannon crotches Kidman, Matt gets back up, Twist of Fate from the top rope! One, two, three at 09'30", new cruiserweight champion. Good match.
--Backstage, something horrible has happened to Edge. Chris Benoit and Brock Lesnar are standing over him, with EMTs all around. Everyone is shouting.
--Now we go back to ringside with Michael Cole and Tazz. Don't forget about Wrestlemania XIX on March 30th (Cole says March 28th). Tazz gets it right. Video package for Undertaker-Big Show.
--The Big Show (with Paul Heyman) v. The Undertaker: Oh Big Show, one strap and tiny pant legs on your singlet? Oh Big Show. Poor showing. Undertaker goes over the top to attack Big Show before the bell, then gets back in and we're officially underway. Undertaker comes off the apron but is caught and rammed into the ringpost. Into the security wall, Big Show sends him back in, but is caught with a dropkick to the head (!) on his way in. Undertaker takes over. Legdrop on the apron from Undertaker, then he fetches a steel chair. Back in, BIG SHOW PUNCHES THE CHAIR. BIG SHOW PUNCHES THE CHAIR. BIG SHOW PUNCHES THE CHAIR. Big Show with a boot choke in the corner, but who cares. Big Show punched the chair, and that made this match already. Whip to the corner, Undertaker gets a boot up. Two rights, kick to the gut, right, whip reversed, avalanche misses. Undertaker picks Show up for a slam, but Big Show falls on him, TWOOOOO. Tazz says that probably takes away the tombstone, and Cole throws in the chokeslam and last ride. Slam from Big Show, TWOOOOOO. Big, big, big ol' elbowdrop. And another. And a third. And a fourth. And a fifth. OKAY DUDE. And a goddamn sixth. Cover, TWOOOOOO. Six goddamn elbowdrops. If six elbowdrops from Big Show can't put someone away, I think we can agree that the elbowdrop is an entirely ineffective move. Rights from Undertaker, but he runs into a bearhug. Undertaker with a bunch of rights to battle out, then some combos. Undertaker runs into a sidewalk slam, TWOOOOO. Cole calls Undertaker "human," which I've never heard anyone say before, I don't think. Big Show punches Undertaker so hard that he falls out of the ring and then gets back in. Big headbutt. And another. Undertaker is cut on the forehead for some reason. Maybe it was the bearhug. Another goddamn headbutt. And another. Big Show looks really tired, and out of ideas. Undertaker with a roundhouse right, but Big Show puts him down with one of his own. Undertaker comes back with haymakers and some more combos in the corner. Avalanche hits, and another. Undertaker grabs for the chokeslam, but can't get him up. Big Show headbutts him. Enough already. Big Show clothesline misses, Undertaker gets a jumping clothesline, TWOOOOO. Old school! Undertaker again sets for the chokeslam, but Big Show goes for his own. Shove out, and referee Brian Hebner is bumped just a little bit. Low blow! DDT, TWOOOOO. Undertaker calls for the last ride, but that's not happening. Spinebuster from Big Show, TWOOOOO. Okay this is really too long for this. Big Show with snake eyes and a clothesline, twoooooo. Okay okay, end. Big Show picks Undertaker up for something that obviously wasn't happening and is reversed into a dragon sleeper. Heyman distracts Undertaker and the ref and now here's A-Train. Undertaker gets the big dive to the floor! Heyman and A-Train were both not there to catch him. Undertaker back in and he cuts the throat. But uh oh, Big Show chokeslams him. Terribly. Big Show goes for the pin, but Undertaker locks in a triangle choke. Big Show powers up and gets TWOOOOOO on a pin attempt, but he's choked out at 14'08". I'm not saying it was horrible or anything, because it could've been worse, but couldn't they have shaved five minutes off and been better off?
Undertaker gets a chair after the match, but A-Train cuts him off and hits the Derailer, then talks lots of smack and hits his chest a couple of times and pats Big Show on the back. Michael Cole promises that this is far from over. Ha ha, he's right, ha ha ha. Get it.
--Just Moments Ago, medical technicians came to the aid of Edge and they took him away in an ambulance. SmackDown GM Stephanie McMahon and her boobs promise to take care of Edge, and Benoit and Lesnar are told to go get ready.
--Eric Bischoff and Chief Morley chat about what kind of match they should make tonight. No holds barred? Lumberjack? No disqualification? Here's Vince McMahon. He was so impressed with Eric's karate display on Raw that he sees this as a marquee, one-on-one matchup with no interference. And if anyone does interfere, he'll fire their ass on the spot.
--Here are Thes Coach and King to discuss what we just saw.
--The next match is now a 2-on-3 handicap tag match, according to that ring announcer who I don't know.
--Team Angle (Kurt Angle, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas with Paul Heyman) v. Chris Benoit & Brock Lesnar: Michael Cole tells us that Stephanie gave Benoit and Brock the choice of picking a new tag team partner, but they want to do it alone. Benoit and Benjamin start off. Tight lock-up, and another, and Benjamin takes a brief advantage before Benoit outveterans him. Benoit with mean offense. Into the heel corner, and Shelton tags Haas. Benoit goes to town, tag to Brock, who gets a pop. Boots to the gut, slam into the corner, shoulders. Brock taunts Angle, who drops off the apron, which leads to Charlie getting killed with a gorilla press. And one for Shelton. Brock charges Angle, who drops down again. Tazz wonders what a canuck is. Angle jumps on Brock on a whip to the ropes, locking on a choke. Brock picks him up off the apron and drags him into the ring, but Shelton hits a superkick. Angle takes the tag now that Brock's down, and gets another chinlock and/or choke. Brock powers up and rams Angle into the corner, but Angle holds onto the choke. Cole brings up that John Cena used this move two weeks ago on SmackDown against Brock, which is true, as I saw clips on Velocity. More of the choke. And more of the choke. I like this move in theory, not so much in practice. Lesnar finally breaks out by bouncing Angle's head off the ringpost. Both men down, both men tag. Benoit and Shelton in now, and Benoit is a house of fire, snap suplexing Haas onto Benjamin, then hitting a release German on Angle, and then ROLLING Germans on Shelton. Goodness. Benoit cuts the throat, up top, and Haas cuts him off, allowing Angle to swoop in for the belly-to-belly off the top rope. Brock grabs Angle from the apron, but Benjamin knocks him off. Slowed down, back to Benoit and Shelton as the legal men. Tag to Charlie Haas. Benoit catches Haas with a boot in the corner, but walks out into an overhead belly-to-belly, TWOOOOO. Tag to Angle, yeehaw. Angle stomps away and taunts Lesnar. Snap suplex from Angle, right into a front facelock. Up now, Benoit elbows out and hits a hard chop. Angle goes for a kneelift, Benoit rolls up him, TWOOOOO. Inside cradle, TWOOOO. Slam turns into a lateral press, TWOOOOOO. Release German suplex from Angle, woo! Angle taunts Brock some more, covers Benoit, TWOOOOO. Tag to Haas. Haas stomps away and gets a cheapshot in on Brock. Shelton in now, and they hit the old Beverly Bros. finisher that I forgot the name of. Benoit and Benjamin now, Benoit chops him down. Benjamin gets a drop toe-hold to keep Benoit from getting the tag, but Benoit powers up and goes for an enzuigiri or dropkick, but Benjamin drops down to avoid it and keeps the hold on. Enzuigiri is ducked, mule kick is not, tag to Lesnar! Suplexes all over the place, massive lariats. Angle from behind, Olympic Slam is blocked, F5! No, Benjamin stops it. All hell has broken loose again, and Benoit and Haas are left in the ring. Release German on Haas, Angle in, ankle lock! Reversal, crossface! Reversal, ankle lock! Reversal, crossface! Benjamin and Haas break it up, crossface on Haas! Benjamin breaks it up, Lesnar bumrushes him and sends him out. Angle in with the belt, but Lesnar kicks him in the gut! F5! Benoit gets Haas to tap at 13'12" and that's the match. That there was packed with action. After the match, Brock holds Angle's belt as Team Angle exits unceremoniously.
1/2--Buy WWE Before They Were Superstars 2, which looks really depressing.
--Feel the attitude and intensity by seeing Raw in Toronto, or Raw house shows in Reading, PA or Rochester, NY, or Raw in Uniondale, NY, or a Raw house show at Michigan State. I won't go to that.
--Next! Triple H and Scott Steiner one last time. Hopefully. Video package.
--World Heavyweight Championship Match - Scott Steiner (challenger) v. Triple H (champion, with Ric Flair): Oh boy, the referee is Earl Hebner, who receives a faint "you screwed Bret" chant. They go nose-to-nose before the bell. Lawler says Steiner will lose that battle. Steiner with a wristlock and he works the arm. HHH rams his head into the corner but Steiner kicks HHH's injured thigh. Steiner takes more shots at the leg, getting booed terribly for it, and HHH reverses to a pop. Steiner comes back, more boos. They don't even count along for for Steiner's punches in the corner. Steiner tries to get the bandage off of HHH's thigh. Lawler says it's illegal, and Coach says that Lawler has been saying all night that anything worth winning is worth cheating for, which Lawler hasn't said once all night or once in recent memory. Coach sucks. "Stei-ner sucks" chant goes up. Steiner locks on the figure-four and I get really mad and actually root for HHH, so Ric Flair rakes the eyes, getting big cheers and WHOOOs and stylin' and profilin'. Steiner goes outside and takes Flair down, but gets shoved off the apron and hits his head on the steps. HHH takes over with more junk outside to cheers. We've established that the crowd hates Scott Steiner AND Earl Hebner (natch), and just wants them both to die. I think that's a boring chant, but it might be something else entirely. Steiner finally comes back with a belly-to-belly, not that anyone wanted him to. HHH covers with his feet on the ropes, and Earl takes them off to big big boos. HHH shoves Earl for a pop, then shoves him on his ass for an even bigger one. Montreal, man, Montreal will never be a regular wrestling city again. Earl comes back with a shove and more boos. Steiner breaks up the shovefest by taking it to HHH in the corner with forearms and chops. Belly-to-belly, TWOOOOBOOOO. Okay that is certainly a boring chant. (I think) Outside now, Flair runs up to distract Steiner, but that doesn't do much other than get Earl to pay attention to him and HHH rammed into the ringpost. Steiner did something and got TWOOOOBOOOO. Steiner sets HHH up on top, and goes for the superduperxtreme samoan slam that he beat Jericho with to get this match, one, two, Flair breaks the pin because he fucking rules. Steiner gets the recliner locked on, and Flair calls out the troops. Here's Randy Orton! And he dies. Here's BAW-TEESTA! He gets killed bad. Flair gets knocked off the apron, but UH OH Pedigree? No. Booooooo. Out to the floor with HHH. Randy Orton up top, and he's slammed off and thrown out onto BAW-TEESTA. Earl throws Flair, Orton and BAW-TEESTA out of here. But Flair has a manager's license!!!! Inside, WHAM, HHH nails Steiner with the belt. Cover, two, TWOOOOOOOBOOOOOOOO. The Evolution watches from the ramp. Kick, pedigree! Three at 13'01". Anti-climactic end but thank god Steiner didn't win. This was an interesting match if nothing else. And I really, really mean "if nothing else," because it stunk.
1/2--Backstage, Eric Bischoff walks by a group of wrestling personalities, including Test, who laughs at him. HAW HAW HAW AT LEAST BISCHOFF HAS A MATCH, DICKHEAD. Also in attendance: Stacy Keibler, Lilian Garcia, Tommy Dreamer, Torrie Wilson, Al Snow, Maven, The Hurricane and Rey Misterio Jr.
--NEXT: STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD. Video package.
--Wait a minute, here's Good Ol' JR. JR has come to see a man get his ass whipped, and joins the Coach and King for this match.
--Special Internet Interest Match - Eric Bischoff v. Stone Cold Steve Austin: Eric takes the mic. "Look. Let's, let's send a message to Vince McMahon. I know none of you people wanna see me wrestle Stone Cold Steve Austin, do you? So Stone Cold (what), I know you can hear me back there (what), we still have time (what) to do the right thing and I will forfeit this match to you KEEEEEEEEEERASH right now" and BY GOD THERE HE IS. THE TOUGHEST SON OF A BITCH IN THE WWE IS AT NO WAY OUT. AND BY GOD HE CAME TO WHIP ANOTHER MAN'S ASS. YES YES YES. JR is going insane, the crowd is going pretty nuts, and I'm shitting my pants. Eric still has the mic. "Steve, we can settle this like men. There's still time! We don't have to do this! We could let bygones be bygones. Steve! Stone Cold! Rattlesnake!" AHHHH AUSTIN SPEARS BISCHOFF. Right hands all over the goddamn place. CHECKIN' THE WATCH, CHECKIN' THE WATCH. Austin finally takes off his vest, he's in knee braces and jeans shorts. He also has a gut + abs. It wouldn't be Austin without the gut, though. WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT stomps in the corner. Here's a shot of the wrestling personalities laughing it up. Big Austin chant goes up, and he rams Bischoff into the corner. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. Stomps in the corner and he flips off referee Jack Doan (I think that's Jack Doan). Bischoff rakes the eyes and kicks Austin in the chest, which has no effect. Austin's all :) and Bischoff tries to run away through the crowd, but that's not happening. Chops and Austin takes someone's $10 smoothie and throws it all over Bischoff. Bischoff is thrown into the crowd and brought back out. More Austin chants. CHECKIN' THE WATCH. Sizes him up - STUNNER! OH HELL YEAH. Cover, two, Austin lifts his shoulder up. Cover, two, Austin lifts his shoulder up. TWOOOOO. Austin argues with Jack Doan about the count. Austin chants again. STUNNER #2! Cover, two, lifts the shoulder again. Austin chants. Up again, double bird, STUNNER #3! Cover, two, three at 04'24". The wrestling personalities clap backstage, and then we see JR standing up and yelling like this was some huge deal and Austin just beat up Jesus instead of Eric Bischoff. I liked seeing Austin again but it would've been nice if it wasn't, you know, Bischoff. They treated this like a real match, so uh...
I guess.After the match, WHAM STUNNER #4. JR is still going nuts and actually lessening the impact of this with his retardedness.
--Even Michael Cole and Tazz are having a hell of a time with that. Tazz says Bischoff was just a little overmatched. This time, Cole gets the Wrestlemania XIX date right.
--NEXT: Hogan-Rock II. Video package.
--The Rock v. Hulk Hogan: Rock's grand new entrance is really, really hateable. Ho-gan chants before we get going, with Rock working the crowd from the floor. Michael Cole thinks Rock is taken aback, perhaps bewildered by this response, which makes no sense. Rock tries to sneak up, but Hogan catches him. Rock makes a hilarious face at the crowd, right is blocked, Hogan nails him and Rock bails. Rock breaks the count, but Hogan finally goes after him and gets some rights. Back in now, Rock nails him with a stomp. Boots and rights and Hogan starts playing his "oh brother I'm so pathetic" act to get sympathy cheers because he's such a shitty old man. Michael Cole points out the ref, Sylvain Granier from Montreal, who reffed a match on Sunday Night Heat. You know, I'll admit that I didn't notice anything about him. Hogan sends Rock outside, but Rock hotshots him on the rope from the outside. Hogan's bandana is off now and he's even more pathetic because he's bald. Rock Bottom! One, two, TWOOOOOOO. Hogan's gassed and we're just over 03'00" in. Haha, Rock puts Hogan's bandana on. Now he takes the weight belt off and goes to town with yapapi strapation. Now he goes to yapapi strapation #2. Rock gets some water and turns around into a running clothesline. Hogan brings out his own strapation with the weight belt. Rock with a DDT! Kip-up! Smelllllll. Rock gets the sharpshooter, which is surprisingly well done considering Rock's success rate with applying the hold and the fact that he's doing it to Hogan. Hogan gets the ropes, but Rock drags him back out and the referee kind of just doesn't pay attention. Arm drops twice, but not thrice. Outside, Rock is still taking it to Hogan and this is getting really crappy. Plus it doesn't seem like a real match, it seems like an exhibition match between two former stars of yesteryear. A chair is brought in, the referee tries to take it, and Rock low-blows Hogan. Spinebuster! Elbowpad tossed, wham, people's elbow. AND ANOTHER, complete with Hogan pose before the drop, sweet. One, two, NO. Big cheers and Hogan is hulking up. Hogan is hulking the fuck up, YOUUUUUUUUU! No no no, Rock mocks him, big meathook punches, BIG BOOT. Off the ropes, BIG LEGDROP. One, two, the lights go out, ugh. It'd be cool if they came back on and Sabu was there. Now the referee's out with a steel chair by him. Jesus, they could have at least hit the mat with the chair for the noise. Lights don't count for NOISE. Here's Vince now, and he's all, "whahapnd??" Hogan has figured it out. The referee, playing possum, slides the chair to Rock and goes back to being dead. STEEL CHAIR TO THE HEAD. Cole has no idea what the hell's going on, but that's okay, because I don't care what the hell's going on here. Rock Bottom #2! The ref is up immediately, three count at 12'36" as Cole proclaims this is a damn screwjob. This match was goddamn awful and the finish just made it worse, and the fact that it's a set-up for Hogan v. Vince at Wrestlemania just makes it more boring. I'd call it a DUD but I feel meaner than that, so -
Rock and the ref head out, but not before Rock shakes Vince's hand. Shook hands with the devil, see. Lame. Vince comes back in and Hogan tries to pull himself up on Vince's legs and crotch, because he's so pathetic. Vince takes off his shirt to reveal a very clever Hulk Hogan shirt that has "NOTHING" written over "WHATCHA GONNA DO?" and "SUCKS" written under "BROTHER!" on the back. BROTHER SUCKS. This is lame. Vince tears off his shirt and throws it in Hogan's face, No Chance in Hell plays, Vince poses some on the ramp and Hogan looks on, bloodied and old, and that's the show ending on a big fat sour note.