TNA Against All Odds
Sunday, February 12, 2007
Orlando, Florida

Hi again!

I hope you appreciate this, 'cause it's now Monday night and I could be watching Raw instead. Except I don't get that channel. And I'm not sure if The Score is showing Raw live even though Raw is pre-empted in the States for a dog show. But otherwise, I could totally be watching Raw.

I have yet to see the results of this show, so I'm going into this with virgin eyes. I did see the free pre-game show yesterday, where Johnny Devine and Frankie Kazarian of Serotonin beat Jay Lethal and Sonjay Dutt with help from fellow Serotonian Maverick Matt. Then Raven came out and caned them anyway, probably for having stupid names. Maybe shorten them to Devine and Maverick and... Frankie. Mama Kazarian could have at least named her kid after the Birdman instead of the bird. Koko Kazarian would be a pretty sweet name.

Also on the pre-game show, Alex Shelley talked about filming the encounter between Eric Young and Ms. Brooks. Jokes were made about Kevin Nash's penis, and Mr. Bob Backlund screamed the word "pornography" which was hilarious. I love Bob Backlund. Speaking of pornography, Jim Cornette put Christy Hemme in a tuxedo match against a mystery opponent. I'm guessing that means they couldn't sign Amy Dumas in time for this show.

And now it's time for this show!

We open with a Christian Cage video package where he declares himself to be an instant classic, even better than sliced bread. I dunno, dude, bread is pretty great. I hope you really like the term "instant classic," because you'll hear it a lot, interspersed with all kinds of stock footage. Including footage of a bread slicing machine. And a strike being bowled. And what appeared to be a hamburger-making assembly line.

And now, TNA (without James Earl Jones) presents Sussudio 2007!

Did you see what I did there? I replaced the title of one Phil Collins song with another. Clever.

Latin American Exchange (w/Konnan... seriously?) vs. Team 3D in a Little Italy Streetfight

Team 3D are already in the ring. Speaking of things already in the ring, Team 3D promised to beat LAX "from the strip clubs to the cafés to the back alleys." And so there is a café set up in the ring with nice little chairs, and tables with checkered tablecloths. There are girls in cages dancing at ringside. And there are some garbage cans too, presumably taken from the back alleys of Little Italy. I saw this on the pregame show and rolled my eyes.

Konnan is in a wheelchair, which is probably a lot wiser than walking. He stays up at the top of the ramp, but his appearance still distracts Team 3D, allowing an LAX sneak attack.

Brawling to start, of course. I'm guessing there won't be a lot else. Homicide with a big dive onto Brother Ray. Hernandez tries for a big dive onto Brother Devon, but Devon cracks him with a chair.

The strippers escaped their cages and gave Brother Ray a lapdance. Ray, who demanded this match because LAX viciously assaulted his relatives, takes time to enjoy the boobies. Homicide sneaks up from behind and goes after Ray's eyes. Somehow, this doesn't bother the strippers, who keep dancing. Finally, one gets a clue and runs away, while the other grabs her own boobs and... stands there.

In the ring, Homicide carves up Devon with a pizza cutter. Brother Ray comes to the rescue with a cheese grater. Four "members of the Latino Nation" charge the ring - in bandanas, of course - but get taken care of by Team 3D, who hit them with, like, two punches each. The distraction, however, is enough to let Homicide come back with a snapmare. Seriously. A snapmare. This is awful.

Remember when the Dudleys were in WWE and everyone got tired of them because they were old and fat and boring? Why did anyone ever think they'd be different in TNA?

Dorks in Team Eckstein shirts chant WE WANT TABLES. Homicide misses a very forced-looking double clothesline attempt to set up a Wazzup Headbutt, but Devon opts to dive instead onto the Latino Nation, who are still out cold on the floor. Brother Ray gets put through a table, but the fight continues, unfortunately. Devon's back in to hit Saving Grace (called so by Don West) on Homicide, but it gets only two. Devon goes for a superplex, but the Latino Nation make themselves useful and hold onto Homicide's foot, allowing Hernandez to pull Devon off the corner and hit a Border Toss for the win.

Winners: LAX (Hernandez pins Devon, Border Toss)

Hey, were the titles on the line here? I guess it doesn't matter.

"LOOK HOW HAPPY HE IS!" shouts Mike Tenay about Konnan, who's in his wheelchair at the top of the ramp, not smiling at all.

Jeremy Borash is backstage with Austin Starr, accompanied by his new The. If this character felt even the slightest bit genuine, I might care. HEY there's Bob Backlund wandering around. Starr leaves. What an awesome trade. I wish I could always trade out guys who suck for guys who rule.

"Young man, have you ever heard of the word 'impromptubtibility?' Was that young man trying to exaskerbate me with his discourse, young man? Well I can get... ... ... a little out of hand myself. When need be. Young man."

The Austin Starr (from TV Land) vs. Senshi

Striking battle to start. Women chant for Senshi, men chant for Austin. What? Starr controls the pace and the pace is slow, apart from a big dive to the floor.

Tenay reports that Borash is trying to get an interview with Christian. This is news? Apparently Tomko and Scott Steiner don't like each other anymore. I was thinking that it seems just a touch early to be teasing dissension, but Tenay points out, correctly, that Steiner doesn't like anyone.

SENSHI LIKES SPACE, according to Don West. I love it when Don West talks about Senshi. I'm assuming West meant that Senshi likes to have room to move in the ring, but I prefer to think that West and Senshi go out on late night stargazing trips together. West is a bit nerdy and really into astronomy. Senshi doesn't really care but he'll do anything to be closer to West.

I think this is one of those PPVs that I'd really enjoy if I was watching it with my friends, because we tallk, and we eat junk food, and we mark out for high spots, and we laugh about stupid jokes, and that all fills in the dead time during mediocre matches. Instead, I'm sitting alone, at my computer, and watching the mediocre matches. And eating orange Jell-o. Diet Jell-o, at that.

Anyway. Starr goes for the crossface chickenwing. Senshi comes back with some kicks, but misses the Warrior's Way. Back to the chickenwing, Senshi reverses, and they wind up doing this awkward rollup sequence that ends with each guy's shoulders down. I'm assuming the idea is that Starr, who was underneath, raised his shoulder, even though they both did.

The ref grabs onto Starr's wrist, walks him into the center of the ring, and then raises Senshi's hand. Shows what I know. I like Senshi a lot more than I like Starr, but either way, this was dumb. The match itself was passable but nothing special.

Winner: Senshi (pin, raised his shoulder despite the fact that the other guy did too)

After the match, Starr "fills up the chair with steel chairs." Thank you, Mike Tenay. On the mic, Starr demands that the match be restarted. Amusingly, I first typed "retarded" there. Entirely accidentally. Anyway, Backlund's out and ranting, Starr with a slap, Backlund with the chickenwing, I saw this last month.

Borash is backstage with Christian Cage, Tomko, and Scott Steiner. Tomko says Steiner is an egomaniac, Steiner calls Tomko a redneck and tells him to "shine my glasses, bitch!" Christian is just irritated with everyone.

Mike Tenay and Don West at ringside. "Let's review the history of Christy Hemme in TNA!" Oh, God, let's not. This is sure hinting that it's Hemme against Billy Gunn tonight. And the match is...

Christy Hemme vs. The Big Fat Oily Guy in a Tuxedo Match

Maybe the idea is to make us WANT to see Hemme fight Billy Gunn? Because that couldn't be any worse than this.

Jackets off. Big Fat Oily Shirt off. Hemme's pants off. Big Fat Oily Splash misses. "That must be jelly, 'cause jam don't shake like that," says Mike Tenay in reference to Big Fat Oily Guy's Big Fat Oily Fat. "That's not strawberry preserves!" Okay, what the hell, seriously. Big Fat Oily Bodyslam, followed by a Big Fat Oily Trip to the Big Fat Oily Batcave. "That was like bad porn!" says Don West, Voice of Experience. One low blow and the Big Fat Oily Pants are off. Give Hemme credit for trying, I guess.

Winner: Christy Hemme

Big Fat Oily Guy leaves. Kip James arrives, cues up stripper music, and tears Hemme's shirt off. Hemme, ever the fighter, leaves. "I think Kip James is right! That IS what people came to see!" offers Mike Tenay.

Okay, seriously. I don't know who the face is and who the heel is. If Hemme's the face, why did she leave? And why is she being positioned as whiny? If she's the heel, why did she have to wrestle a guy who outweighs her six times over? If James is the face, why is he acting like a giant douchebag? I have nothing good to say about this segment or this angle. Hemme tried hard enough and showed that deserves another shot in a real wrestling company. Everyone else involved in this garbage can eat a bag of dicks.

You know, the only part of this show that I've actually enjoyed has been Bob Backlund. IT IS 2007. AND THE BEST PART OF THE SHOW IS BOB BACKLUND. If ever there was a sign that you should quit promoting wrestling, this is it.

Oh Jesus, I have over two hours to go.

And just to make things better, we get to the Paparazzi Productions video viewing party. Ms. Brooks is in a hotel room waiting for Eric Young. Before Young arrives, we get a TO BE CONTINUED notice and... baseball players? What the hell.

Dale Torborg (w/AJ Pierzynski) vs. Lance Hoyt (w/David Eckstein) in BASEBRAWL

Let's try this again.

Crappy Guy (w/jerk) vs. Other Crappy Guy (w/knob) in SOMETHING STUPID

Ahahahaha, the crowd chants "baseball sucks."

Also awesome:

West: "Is AJ Pierzynski really that much of a... a..."

Tenay: "It's pay-per-view, you can say it!"

West: "AN A-HOLE!"

Anyway, Crappy Guy punches Other Crappy Guy, and then Other Crappy Guy makes the comeback. Plus, clotheslines. And forearms. Lots of them. I get bored and contemplate taking a dump. But if I leave to do that, I'll just have to come back to this match, and that would ruin the dump for me. WAIT YAY IT'S OVER!

Winner: Dale Torborg (pin, chairshot by Pierzynski)

Oh hell, they're restarting the match. At least it only goes for a few seconds, as Eckstein's in with a chairshot to Torborg, and Hoyt hits a not-the-F5 for the win. I think Torborg might actually be worse than Big Fat Oily Guy.

Winner: Lance Hoyt (pin, fireman's carry into face-first suplex)

Back to the video viewing party. Kevin Nash is funny, comparing the video to the early works of Peckinpah. Nobody gets Generic Blonde's name right. Dutt and Lethal don't seem to be stressing over their loss to Serotonin. Maybe because they have popcorn? I'm always happier when I have popcorn.

Anyway, Young brought Brooks some fake flowers and some half-eaten chocolates. She claims this is her first time too, but she won't put out until Young signs the contract, and he's hesitant. TO BE CONTINUED.

Rhino vs. AJ Styles in a Motor City Chain Match

Okay, so here are the rules. Both guys are chained together by what look like really long handcuffs. The chain looks pretty weak. The key to the cuffs is hanging on one pole (what? there's a pole?) and there is a nightstick on another pole (oh for the love of God) but you don't have to actually GET the weapon or the key to win. According to Rhino, the nightstick represents the streets of Motor City. This is moronic. But I suppose it makes sense to chain the two together since Styles has been all about walking out on matches with Rhino.

Rhino chases AJ around the ring rather than actually grabbing the chain to stop him. They fight and it's dull. Rhino goes for a Gore, but Styles stops him with a dropkick. Styles, it's worth nothing, is now a heel, so he grew chest hair.

Why does Rhino go for the shoulderblock in the corner when half the crowd thinks its the Gore? Maybe you shouldn't do moves that look just like your finishing move. It would be like Brock Lesnar performing an airplane spin.

Styles tries for the key, but Rhino finally realizes that they're connected by a chain and stops him. Rhino retrieves the Motor City Nightstick, but before he can use it, AJ hits the 67th and 68th groin shots of the evening. The crowd chants something like "AJ sucks balls," which he doesn't, but if this was the only match of his that you'd seen, I'd understand you thinking that.

Styles retrieves the key and unlocks himself. Now he can finally fly, according to Tenay and West, despite the fact that he hit a big springboard dive earlier. Styles teases walking out, but instead opts to cuff Rhino to the ropes. He taunts Rhino with the key, rather than being sensible and throwing the key away, so of course Rhino comes back with the Gore. The key bounces away, so Earl Hebner, playing favourites, kicks the key over to Rhino. The crowd, thankful for the liberation of their hero, chants YOU SCREWED BRET. Rhino sets up a table in the corner, but Gores the table instead of Styles and that's the match.

Winner: AJ Styles (pin, Rhino Gores a table)

That was probably the best match so far tonight, which is saying absolutely nothing.

100 minutes to go.

The Young/Brooks video, part 3. She takes off some clothes, so he signs the contract. She makes him close his eyes, and... she walks out. Robert Roode, waiting in the hallway, isn't as impressed by this as she had hoped. Well, neither am I. We return to the video screening party, which is broken up by Bob Backlund ranting about pornography. And that's the payoff.

Chris Sabin (c) vs. Jerry Lynn for the NWA X Division Championship

This show has stunk so far, but these two have a decent chance at saving it. Lynn makes metal hands, Sabin makes double guns. That's a good start. And now I have popcorn. Let's see if it helps.

Lynn off to a quick start, so Sabin bails. And again. And again. Sabin misses a dive to the floor, but finally gets the offense with some backbreakers. He slaps Lynn's hand to mock the audience's clapping, then slaps Lynn's face to mock Lynn. The commentators talk as though Lynn was embarrassing himself by being out here, even though he's younger, fitter, and better than Sting.

Lynn with a top rope hurricarana. Sabin with a spinning doctor bomb. Lynn counters the Cradle Shock with a sunset flip for a very close two count, and then lands a TKO for another close two. Lynn goes for the cradle piledriver, but can't pick Sabin up because his back is hurt. Because of all those backbreakers, you see. He tries a sunset flip instead, but Sabin blocks it and grabs the ropes for the pin. Started slow (which is fine) and ended badly (which is not - I'd really like pro wrestling to invent some new match finishes), but this was still the match of the night to this point.

Winner: Chris Sabin (pin, cradle holding the ropes, Sabin retains the NWA X Division Championship)

Robert Roode and Ms. Brooks come to the ring. Roode introduces Eric Young, who looks sad. Roode berates Young and the crowd, calling them "imbellciles." Young is under contract to Roode; this point, quickly made, is belaboured for a long-ass time.

Borash, Christian, and Tomko are backstage again. "You don't have to worry about selling tickets when Christian Cage is in the main event!" I don't think you really have to worry about selling tickets to TNA at all, Christian. Cornette appears to remind us that Christian can lose the title by DQ.

Petey Williams & Gail Kim vs. James Storm & Jackie Moore in a mixed tag team match

Williams and Storm start. Petey gets the quick advantage, so Jackie tags in. Petey hits an atomic drop - no DQ, so I guess this is technically intergender and not mixed - and tags in Kim, who dominates. More tags, and Storm lays out Petey with a big clothesline. Jackie tags in, hits some kicks, and leaves. Storm takes over and slows the pace. The crowd chants BROKEBACK COWBOY, which really doesn't work when he's teaming with a woman.

Eye of the Storm, and Jackie tags in to try for a pin. It doesn't work, so she grabs a headlock, but Petey connects with a back suplex. Storm comes back in, but Petey makes a comeback. Canadian Destroyer on Storm is blocked by Moore, and the women tag in. Missile dropkick by Kim, but Storm makes the save. Kim goes for a rollup, but Moore kicks her into Storm and that's the match. Lots of weak, familiar finishes tonight.

Winners: James Storm & Jackie Moore (Moore pins Kim after Kim and Storm hit heads)

Beatdown on Petey after the match. Storm and Moore try for a Death Sentence on Petey, but Wildcat Chris Harris (w/eyepatch) makes the save. It was telegraphed by Tenay and West screaming about how there was nobody who could ever possibly save Williams from the Death Sentence (isn't there a whole dressing room full of wrestlers?), but the crowd was happy.

Video package and interview to set up the next match. Sting promises to do away with James Mitchell tonight.

Sting vs. Abyss in a Prison Yard Match

The match is to start outside the Impact Zone, so each guy is introduced, walks to the ring, and then goes outside. To the prison yard, I gather, though there's barbed wire and fences and junk all around the ring, and the idea is to lock your opponent in a shark cage in the ring. Russo loves his shark cages.

Sting is wearing an Abyss mask, and he won't take his shirt off. Abyss, likewise, is wearing an Abyss mask and a shirt. Sting gets tossed into a dumpster, but a bad camera angle reveals that it was nice and padded. And also, he's picking up a chunk of drywall to brain Abyss with. Abyss sets up a table, but hey, Sting hit him with a chunk of drywall! Sting then puts him through the table with a big dive out of the dumpster.

Both guys brawl towards the ring with chairs and stuff. I don't entirely get this. Sting is a Christian, right? And he's trying to save Abyss, right? So why is he beating Abyss with a barbed-wire baseball bat?

Eight hundred weapons around the ring - steel chairs, wooden tables, barbed-wire wrapped baseball bats, a solid steel shark cage - and Sting has to steal James Mitchell's belt so he can wrap it around his fist. Mitchell wins up bleeding from the head. Abyss is bleeding from the arm. Abyss pulls a red light off one of the cornerposts (of COURSE there are red lights on the cornerposts in Prison Yard matches) and brains Sting with it. That looked cool, but Sting still fights his way out of the shark cage. Abyss gets a barbed wire board from under the ring, making the belt look like an even dumber choice. Sting avoids the board but eats a Black Hole Slam.

Abyss tears the fake mask off Sting, who fires back with some Stinger Splashes and a Scorpion Death Drop. Mitchell interferes and gets caught in a Scorpion Deathlock, allowing Abyss to take over again. Abyss tries to climb the shark cage so as to dive on Sting, but Sting stops him and powerbombs him through the barbed wire board on the table, and that's enough for Sting to lock Abyss in the shark cage. This was fun. Match of the night.

Winner: Sting (locks Abyss in the shark cage)

Afterwards, Sting chokes out Mitchell while Abyss is trapped in the shark cage.

Borash interviews Kurt Angle. Apparently Angle and Joe are pals now? Okay.

Christian Cage (c) vs. Kurt Angle for the NWA World Heavyweight Championship

Borash with the long ring intros to start. Cage is introduced as the Instant Classic, so the crowd chants it. No Steiner at ringside, and Tomko is sent to the back before he ever does anything. No Samoa Joe at ringside either.

Angle outwrestles Christian as the match opens. Christian frees himself, and now Joe shows up, music playing. Neither Angle or Christian did anything to cause this, so it completely disrupted the match and I don't really get it. But whatever. Brawling on the floor, Christian is distracted by Joe and winds up getting posted because of it. Angle dominates until missing a charge and hitting his shoulder on the ringpost.

Angle Slam reversed to Unprettier reversed to Ankle Lock. Christian gets free, kicks Angle low - seriously, there have been like 500 ballshots tonight - and hits the Unprettier for two. Christian controls until getting fired into the turnbuckle, and Angle hits seven rolling German suplexes. Count of two, and now AJ Styles is on the apron. Joe chases Styles to the back. Distracted, Angle is easy prey for something that the ever-excellent TNA director didn't catch. A chairshot, says Don West. Frog splash by Christian gets two. Unprettier gets two.

Joe's back. Angle tries for the ankle lock, but Christian fires Angle into the referee, sending him to the floor. Looks like time for the usual TNA main event horseshit. Straps down. "FUCK YOU" shouts Angle, flipping the double deuce. Angle Slam, but no referee. Joe throws the ref back into the ring, but Christian kicks out. Angle ducks a clothesline and the ref is down again. Here's Tomko to eat some rolling Germans. Steiner's in with a clangy pole, but Angle chases him away. Joe clotheslines Tomko from the ring, but now Angle's mad at Joe. Instead of attacking Angle, Joe dives through the ropes onto Steiner and Tomko.

Back in the ring, Christian tries for an Angle Slam of his own, but Angle reverses to the ankle lock. The ref is out, so Christian grabs the clangy pole and drills Angle with it. Unprettier and that's the match.

Winner: Christian Cage (pin, Unprettier, Cage retains the NWA World Heavyweight Championship)

THE VERDICT: Pretty mediocre show from top to bottom. Sting/Abyss was a fun brawl, and Sabin/Lynn wasn't bad, but this show felt incredibly stale. The same old matches and the same old finishes that we've seen every month and will continue to see every month. The show certainly wasn't worth spending money on. Glad I didn't!