WWE Raw - 02/14/2005
by James Kalyn
Recapped: 02/14/2005

Today we mark the 6th anniversary of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre of Vince McMahon's Spinal Column. To celebrate the day, I stopped at Subway on the way home from work. I got a steak and cheese sub, in the Valentine's tradition. As I was leaving, a happy couple had just walked in to chat with their pal, the sandwich artist. He asked how they were spending their Valentine's Day. They said they'd be watching Raw. And I think they were serious.

To you, the happy Regina Subway couple, I say God bless, and may you choose to turn off the show and screw if Raw isn't holding your attention tonight. I'll take care of you with Raw recap duties. One night only.

The announced line-up, courtesy WWE.com (download THIS!):

Hi Justin! What up, Scott! Shout outs for everyone, free at last from the tyranny of Meltzer!

For the record, I'm sitting at my computer to type this as the show goes on, and my TV is behind me, so if I miss anything, that's why. And if I get distracted by "What Peanuts Character Are YOU?" tests, that's also why.

Discretion IS advised.

TV 14 DLV CC 14+ in Canada

Go figure, I have to pee already.

Your hosts are Good Ol' JR and Jerry The King Lawler. Tonight: what I already said! Here's Chris Jericho! And this... is the Highlight Reel. Oh goodness. Please welcome Candice Michelle. The crowd... well, they're there, but you can't hear them. Must be a mic problem.

Jericho gets a smootch. He talks, wisely not giving Candice the mic. They play the allegedly controversial ad, complete with a Jericho plug for GoDaddy.com, nice people who provide me with domain names. Candice exposes her shoulder while making wardrobe malfunction jokes (oh Lord) while Jericho is being equally not funny. Muhammad Hassan (w/new robe; Khosrow Daivari) interrupts. Apparently it's hypocritical to cheer for strippers while ignoring Hassan's win over Sgt. Slaughter. I wonder if it would make more sense if I was facing the screen.

"I think you two are the poster boys for JACKASSES!" Ouch. At least the Ayatollah of Rock And Rollah name is revived at a vaguely appropriate time. "You still have penises, right?" Daivari takes offense at the suggestion that he might not, and this just keeps on getting better as Jericho calls them gay. I don't know if Allah would approve. I've contacted notorious Bengali Tanvir Raquib via IM - if he answers before the show is out, I'll let you all know.

Ad break - when we return, it's Jericho vs. Hassan. Like this: Chris Jericho vs. Muhammad Hassan
The match is underway when we return. Jericho hits some stomps and a Davey Boy delayed suplex. Jericho does the world's fakest fall into a sunset flip? Nope, a roll-through into a Walls Of Jericho attempt. Nice enough. Top rope cross body by Jericho gets two. Jericho takes time out to Garvin Stomp Daivari's hands, and Hassan takes over with a back suplex NO into a backbreaker. That looked a bit hurty. Cobra Clutch, but Jericho fights out. Hassan controls with some basic brawling type moves - if I still had No Mercy N64, I'd put Hassan in overtop Mideon or someone and never know the difference. Jericho comes back with the Running Rope-Assisted Mike Enos. Jericho goes for a cover off a lariat which was supposed to be the Flashback, but Daivari distracts the referee. Springboard dropkick to Daivari, but Jericho walks into a WMD for the pin. (about 5:00)

Backstage, Triple H, not in a suit, tells Ric Flair, suited, that JBL is on his way to the arena to confront Batista. "You go tell Batista not to worry about it."

Ad break. Christy Hemme tells me not to buy cigarettes. Actually, she says SHE would never buy cigarettes. She doesn't say anything about me. I know what I'm buying tomorrow!

(this)

Whoaaaaa gimme Yop me momma, smooth Yop me momma, Yop fo when de mornin come.

We're back, and the new Hall of Fame inductee is... ROWDY RODDY PIPER. I approve.

Randy Orton and Stacy Keibler excitedly discuss the Hall of Fame. Stacy acts all nervous, trying to ask Orton out. Aren't they already boning, at least storyline-wise? I think after you get your nethers stuffed by some dude, a trip to Denny's together shouldn't seem like that big a deal.

Batista has a new The Animal shirt. I loved that guy. MINE! NICE! LIZABET! Batista announces his decision - he'll announce his decision after No Way Out. Clearly he's waiting to see who wins the Smackdown tournament.

Ad break again. Taxi on DVD! Not the good TV show type Taxi, though.

I still need to pee. I should quit watching the ads.

I peed! And just in time for... an ad for ThemeAddict. Boo. I could have had two more shakes!

Shelton Benjamin (c) v. Gene Snitsky (Intercontinental Championship match)
Damn your open contract, Shelton Benjamin! Snitsky has a tongue ring. Benjamin is "all man and a yard wide," says JR.

Brawl, Stinger Splash, brawl. Top rope clothesline. Most awkward bodyslam ever. Benjamin escapes the pumphandle slam, but eats a big boot for two. Snitsky's voice cracks as he yells at the ref. Benjamin dumps Snitsky to the floor, and an irate Snitsky retaliates with a chairshot for the DQ. (About 4:00) The match stunk, but the chairshot looked good, at least from that angle.

If JBL shows up tonight, I hope he does the tranquilizer dart routine again. He weighs 490,000 pounds. Do you eat pizza? LOOK AT ME, DINOSAUR, I'M GONNA BEAT YOU UP

ad breaky

"Choosing a path to become a WWE Superstar was a smart choice" - Shelton Benjamin. For you.

KJames199: Cubs
thecubsfan: Yes.
KJames199: Because I love you, I am giving you a Valentine's present of a Raw recap
thecubsfan: Awesome! Though I dunno if this is a show with love.

WrestleMania 21 ad - aw, just the Eugene one again? Justin said we needed one called Eternal Sunshine Of The Mindless Spots, and I tend to think Justin is a genius.

Fact checking:

KJames199: was it you who said "Eternal Sunshine Of The Mindless Spots"
JMShapyro: it was
KJames199: that was genius
JMShapyro: thanks. unfortunately, it was for Trish and Christian, and they've already played Christian's card.
KJames199: Lita is more of a Clementine type anyway
KJames199: And I bet Matt draws stuff
JMShapyro: oh! that's true
KJames199: And spanks it to weirdo naked animal drawings
JMShapyro: with Ruffalo as Jeff Hardy, David Cross as Shannon Moore ("Shannon, you MFer! [chuckle]"), and Elijah Wood as Essa Rios.
KJames199: Way to no-sell the masturbation
JMShapyro: well I wonder what it says about Matt Hardy when you write that and I just think "hmm, probably."
KJames199: Thanks for writing my Raw recap content for me

La Résistance v. William Regal & Tajiri (c) (World Tag Team Championship match)
Let us take you back to seven days ago (more or less), where Regal and Tajiri won the belts in Tokyo (more or less). This would be the rematch.

"What country are you from, JR?" "Oklahoma." I guess if he makes the jokes, I can't.

So far, there's been some kicking, a blocked Tarantula, and a bulldog. And now some dirrty French cheating. You know, the way JR talks about Eugene sitting at home, being happy for Regal, you gotta think they're planning on bringing him back as a heel. BAD RETARD.

The aforementioned dirty cheating subsides after the hot tag by Regal. A running kneelift and a REALLY awkward bump later, and Regal pins Conway. I forgot to take note of the time, but this was pretty short.

Ad break - Christian/Orton next!

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CHANGE
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MINE
MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE
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meedly meedly wowwwwwwwww

Randy Orton vs. Christian
Nose to nose to start. Christian with a shove and Orton with a punch, then Orton disrobes Christian (I knew it!).

Pretty basic match here. Orton dumps Christian to the floor and he follows, but Tomko steps in between. Christian runs a comical lap around the entire ring, but Orton turns and drops him with a punch before the sneak attack. Orton takes a nice bump over the top rope, and Tomko chucks him into the stairs. JR makes the valid point that the ref should have heard that. As the ref checks on Orton, we go to an ad break.

Aww crap, I forgot to take note of the time again. Let's say it's been about four minutes so far. That sounds good. Four minutes.

We're back and it looks like Orton is all concussed. Tomko got the boot from the referee during the ad break, it seems. Really nice rollup by Orton for two. Ohh oww, Christian has a massive goose egg on his forehead. I didn't see how that happened (the announcers are saying it's from Orton's punches), but it sure looks like it sucks. RKO blocked by an inverted DDT for two. Irate, Christian gives up on subtleties and just stands on Orton's head. Both men are down, and the crowd sings along with a 10-count spot. This crowd is chatty. Seriously, Orton goes for some forearm shots and the crowd counts to 20 along with him. Christian gets a rollup, but even the ropes only help him get two. He moves to untie a turnbuckle, but as the ref complains, Tomko sneaks in with a big concussing boot. The ref fails to hear that. Christian only gets two. Weirdo backbreaker by Orton. RKO countered, Unprettier leapfrogged, Christian races into an RKO for the loss. I have no idea what the time was on that, so let's say they aired hmm let's go with an estimated 11 minutes.

Eric Bischoff is on a tiny phone with Theodore R. Long. Hey, that's right, "after No Way Out" is the same as "next week on Raw." It sounded like it was a lot longer time away. Edge is here to petition for the WrestleMania title shot should Batista jump to Smackdown. Makes sense that he'd do that.

Ad break.

48 days to WrestleMania 21!

A quick recap of last week's Japanese tour is followed with an in-ring appearance by Trish Stratus. She complains about the other divas stealing her spotlight, and then she calls out Christy Hemme, who shows up. I like this song! "I love that shaky thing you do. It's like Whee! Yay! You're so talented. Really you are." Trish reminds the fans to chant "slut" at her, but says that it no longer applies to her because Christy has agreed to pose naked in Playboy. Christy grins and giggles, apparently unaware that she's been called a slut. Trish spells it out - "the only slut around here is you." "Posing for Playboy doesn't make you a slut. Sleeping with half the locker room? That makes you a slut." GASP. SLAP. Trish walks off while Christy fumes.

Let us take you back to last week where Batista interfered in the World Championship match. Edge vs. Batista is next. Still no sign of JBL.

Ad break.

WrestleMania 21 ad - aw, just the Basic Instinct one again? They need more. Let's steal from the forum!

TSWG_SM
Oh man they should do one with Vince as Robert Redford in that movie where he tries to buy Demi Moore...

Seadawg
Vince: What would you say if I offered you one million dollars... for one night with your wife?

HHH: Gross!

Kane vs. Simon Dean

Hahaha Kane did pushups. Chokeslam. (three too many minutes)

Let's recap the JBL shenanigans from two weeks ago. Still no sign of JBL tonight, and no mention of the Big Show clip from last week.

Ad. Not for AD, unfortunately.

Earlier tonight, Shawn Michaels drank coffee! The Coach shows up holding a Japanese wrestling magazine with, allegedly, an article where Kurt Angle brags about whooping Shawn Michaels at the Royal Rumble. Shawn: "I am a man with talent on loan from God." Shut up.

Whoa, what the butt did Triple H do to his beard? It looks... different. And awful. Batista/Edge next!

Ad again.

Chris Masters promo. Will there ever be a second one? Likely not - the unveiling is next week. As is Batista's "contract signing" - why did they put it in quotation marks? Who knows.

Batista vs. Edge
Batista starts with power moves. Surprise! Edge to the floor, where he escapes a powerslam with an Edge-O-Matic. Back in the ring, wrestling moves happen. Edge hops off the second rope with a double axhandle, but Batista stops him with a... shoulderblock? That was weird. Edge comes back with a DDT - maybe the Edgecution, I wasn't watching - but runs into a spinebuster and eats a Batistabomb. Before the pin, HHH jumps in and shoves the referee down. JBL is here! Or at least there's a horned limo on the big screen. (DQ, about 7:00)

Evolution heads backstage. Triple H won't shut up about how Evolution is going to team up on JBL until Batista gets fed up and tells him to stay out of it. Batista heads to the parking garage... and here comes the limo to run over Batista, but it's Triple H to save the day! Everyone's pissed. "Looks like I'm going to Smackdown this Thursday... BY MYSELF!" Ooh.

It's not like the angle isn't transparent, but I'm enjoying it anyway.

You know, it's been a long time since I've actually watched Raw. Like, watched Raw. I usually remember to turn it on, but then I play video games or I go on the internet or I read a book or, if I get really mad at the end of a battle royal, I leave my apartment entirely and I go buy groceries. Having actually watched this... it was nothing great. I've done worse things with my time, sure, but this wasn't really worth watching.

But if I didn't do a recap, how would I ever tell Cubs that I (heart) him? He's repeatedly turned down my offers of ::humpy humpy::

Speaking of, I hope the happy Subway couple had a fun time.

In closing,

KJames199: Tan
Auto response from Tha4000FtMCTan: I am away from my computer right now.
KJames199:Does Allah approve of gay dudes?
KJames199: Specifically, gay brown dudes?
Tha4000FtMCTan: nope
Tha4000FtMCTan: do you know one
KJames199: Well I was just wondering
KJames199: Because Jericho implied that Hassan and Daivari are boning
KJames199: And as a brown man, I would like your input
KJames199: (from behind)
Tha4000FtMCTan: nah its not prohibited in islam
KJames199: sweet