NWA TNA - 11/05/03
by James Kalyn
Recapped: 11/05/03
Nashville, TN

I'm back! I think Scott died or something. Maybe he got hit by a car hahahahaha

Old footage! Jeff Jarrett attacking Hulk Hogan in Japan, Jimmy Hart calling out Jarrett, Jarrett attacks Hart, Jarrett wins the NWA title from AJ Styles, Jarrett fights and beats Hacksaw Duggan and Rick Steiner, Hart announces Jarrett/Sting for this week.

Bad graphics set up Jarrett/Sting. Scott Hudson interviews Hart in the parking lot and here comes the blurry intro.

IT'S SHOWTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME, says Mike Tenay.

Kid Kash & Lazz
v. CM Punk & Julio Dinero

Punk and Dinero are Raven's Gathering. Dinero has face paint and DIE MITCHELL DIE painted on his chest, just like Raven. Tenay suggests that TNA matchmakers have a sense of humour by pairing Kid Kash with Lazz. Why does Punk have a Pepsi tattoo?

The match consists of Punk and Dinero dominating, then Lazz does some gay spots and tries humping stuff. He wants to hug Kash, but Kash walks away. When Kash wants to tag out, Lazz tries to make Kash tag his ass. This is as hilarious as you'd think. Anyway, Kash tags in and sets up Dinero for a powerbomb, but Lazz pulls the bent-over Dinero away to dryhump him. Really. Then Kash is all like "no, powerbomb" and Lazz is all like "no, dryhump" and Kash is all like "NO, POWERBOMB" and Lazz is all like "NO, DRYHUMP" and during the argument, Dinero makes the tag. Punk and Kash fight on the floor, while Dinero holds up Lazz for a powerbomb. Punk comes off the top with a Buff Blockbuster as Dinero hits the powerbomb - this is called the Near Death Experience - and Dinero gets the pin. Not bad or anything. (7:21)

After the match, Punk kisses Dinero on the cheek. Okay. It's not played up or anything, I just thought it was a bit odd.

Meanwhile, Kash starts beating on Lazz and lays him out with a powerbomb until Abyss shows up. Abyss beats on Kash and chases him outside.

Backstage, Scott Hudson interviews Raven under the red red light. Raven seems annoyed when Hudson mentions The Gathering. Tonight, Raven fights Mitchell under Last Man Standing rules. Raven talks as Raven does.

In the ring, Mike Tenay (tuxedo of the week: tuxedo) introduces Jeff Jarrett. MY WORLD MY WORLD Jarrett wants to talk about Hulk Hogan, and he shows off all the international press that TNA is getting. "Right here, A GERMAN MAGAZINE!" That was hilariously funny and I can't quite explain why. Anyway, Tenay asks Jarrett "Why [did you lay down for Hogan at whatever WCW show that was]?" and Jarrett snaps and threatens to beat up Tenay and chases him from the ring. Tenay looks PISSED. Jarrett tries to start talking, but AJ Styles shows up in the crowd (with music?) and he wants a rematch. For some reason, Sonny Siaki, Ekmo Fatu, and Trinity are watching this backstage, as seen through the magic of picture-in-picture technology. Anyway, Jarrett wants Styles to fight for the X Division, but Styles says that the Heavyweight Division needs him more. They fight! As soon as Styles gets the advantage, he's attacked by Red Shirt Security, led by Don Callis, MBA (w/haircut! and bow tie!). Styles fights off everyone until Jarrett sneaks in a chairshot. As Jarrett gets back on the mic to talk about Batman ("same Bat channel, same Bat ring" - and then Don West was all like "HOLY JESUS JUMPING CHRIST MIKE TENAY, THE BATS ARE BACK AND THEY'RE GONNA SUCK OUT ALL OUR BLOOD FROM 38 DIFFERENT SSSSSSSSSSPOTS" in my mind), the red shirts drag Styles outside - and sure enough, Abyss was still there. They fight back to the ring, where Abyss takes out Ryan Wilson with a Black Hole Slam (won't you come, won't you come) and scoops up Kevin Northcutt into a torture rack. Callis says Abyss will be fired if he doesn't put Northcutt down, so Abyss falls back and that appears to crank Northcutt's neck good. Abyss chases Callis away.

That all took WAY too long. Also, Abyss looks like a cross between Kane and a gas station attendant.

Backstage, Hudson interviews Father James Mitchell, who's really creepy-looking, like some sorta cross between Cher and Sonny. And maybe Satan. Mitchell makes reference to being "thrown out of Raven's circle of friends years ago," and I don't know or care what that means. "I've always said that the strong dominate the weak, but the clever dominate the strong."

"The Franchise" Shane Douglas (Pittsburgh, PA - 248 lbs)
v. The Sandman (Philadelphia - 221 lbs)

So The Franchise is building a new stable - also called The Franchise - and tonight, The Franchise promised to debut the newest member of The Franchise. I hate this guy. Sandman is looking lean, but more in that "AIDS patient" way instead of that "good" way. His entrance loses a lot when he's got a cheap knockoff of Enter Sandman as his theme. He's wearing a S.E.X. shirt, which seems odd since I think that whole thing was done away with months ago.

Referee Mike "Parker" Posey takes Sandman's cane away at the start, allowing Douglas to get the early advantage. There's a whole lot of talk about how Douglas promised to debut a new member of The Franchise tonight, but he's here alone. All the talk about how Douglas failed to bring in someone means that someone will be showing up, I bet. Douglas hits a plancha to the floor, and it actually looks good. He belly-to-bellys Sandman into the guardrail - that looked like it hurt a lot. Back in the ring, Douglas follows up his good moves by hitting these awful rolling neck snaps, as though Curt Hennig rose from the grave AND forgot how to wrestle. Sandman comes back by crotching Shane on the top rope, then hitting some top rope legdrop (or a kick... or something) on the suspended Shane. God bless them, they're trying. A scary top rope rana follows, after Sandman rubbed his crotch in Douglas' face for a while. Sandman gets the cane and hits the White Russian Legsweep, but Shane kicks out. As the ref tends to Shane, some nameless girl comes off the top rope onto Sandman with Pie In The Sky - like a Molly-Go-Round without the Go-Round, and not by Molly. Douglas' first belly-to-belly gets two, and the second gets the pin. This was very not good, but maybe not as not good as you'd expect. (5:35)

On the ramp, she (who used to be called Tracy Brooks if my understanding is correct) rubs her leg seductively(? no) on Douglas and sucks on his cheek and alludes to getting boned by him and stuff. Be careful, lady, that dude will give you a Roman shower.

Backstage, Scott Hudson interviews Jimmy Hart by candlelight. He tries to start a "why why why" chant but Sting is the only one to pick it up.

Sonny Siaki & Ekmo (w/Trinity)
v. America's Most Wanted ("Wildcat" Chris Harris & "Cowboy" James Storm)

"Casual Friday" Jeremy Borash (thanks Mike) badly slurs "Siaki" during the introduction. They are teasing dissension between Trinity and Siaki.

Your official is High School Senior Referee Rudy Charles. Storm spins Siaki with a satellite headscissors and Don West nearly takes a dump. Ekmo tags in, and you know, I didn't like him when he was Jamal, I certainly don't like him any better now that he's wearing a shiny muumuu that says EKMO on it. Long delayed vertical suplex by Harris on Siaki. The bad guys cheat and Ekmo does fat man moves. Siaki tags in and uses a cobra clutch on Storm. Harris makes the hot tag and does some stuff, but Ekmo presses him into a Diamond Cutter by Siaki for two. Storm nearly kills Siaki and himself when they both land on their heads out of one of those Curt Hennig neck snaps. Harris flattens Ekmo with a spear for two. Harris picks up Siaki for the Catatonic, but David Young runs in and smacks Harris in the back with the NWA tennis racket, and Siaki hits the Siakolypse (twisting suplex thing) for the pin. (9:09) This was okay, I suppose, but I really don't like Siaki or Ekmo.

Backstage, Hudson is with Glenn Gillbberrtti, Simon Diamond, and Johnny Swinger. Young joins them and they're all happy to see him until he talks about his "two-part plan" - part one was taking out AMW, and part two is Young and Gilberti against 3 Live Kru. Gilberti's all mad that Young got the match made, so he stomps off in anger while Diamond and Swinger decide to go for drinks with Hudson. Um, okay.

X Division champion Michael Shane is having a Triple Chance Invitational thingy! First, an X Division battle royal. The winner goes to the finals. Next week, the last guy eliminated from the battle royal will fight the fourth-last guy eliminated, while the second-last and third-last eliminated guys will fight as well. The winners of those matches will fight the battle royal winner in a triple threat match, and the winner of THAT gets a title shot. I think.

Jeremy Borash has a big goose egg on his head.

X Division Triple Chance Invitational Battle Royal

The competitors, in order of introduction:

X is a big (compared to everyone else) masked musclehead guy. Meltzer says this is actually Pierre Carl Ouelette, aka Jean-Pierre LaFitte, AKA Quebecer Pierre.

Even apart from X, I was disappointed by this lineup. I can understand the lack of Jerry Lynn (storyline) and Teddy Hart (dick), but why no Juventud Guerrera, Nosawa, Frankie Kazarian, Elix Skipper, SATs, or other guys that I'm forgetting? There were a lot of guys they could have used.

The match is standard battle royal fare with punching and kicking and chopping and trying to toss dudes out. Sabin spins Low Ki from a torture rack into an over-the-knee backbreaker. A nice overhead belly-to-belly on Daniels by Dr. Collyer. Dutt hits a nice DDT on Storm, but Storm comes back with some twisting slam thing that looked painful for all involved. Storm goes for a top rope rana on Shark Boy, flipping him right onto X's shoulders where he's set for a Death Valley Driver. Next, X launches Storm into the air and powerbombs him down before tossing him out at 3:05. Shark Boy follows at 3:12. X no-sells Dutt's offense and tosses him into the corner. X presses Dutt out of the ring (3:55) onto Shark Boy and Storm, as Tenay mentions that Daniels and Low Ki used to team as XXX.

Now that we're down to five guys, the complicated elimination rules kick in. Shane Douglas is scouting this match with his ladyfriend.

Sabin fights with X as XXX doubleteams Collyer, leading to his elimination at 4:57. Next week, Collyer will fight the last man eliminated.

The match continues as X beats up everyone with power moves. Sometimes he stops to make his hand gesture, which is the WWE "this guy is really hurt" thing that the referees do. The three real X Division guys make a big comeback, but they all turn on each other, leading to Daniels trying to toss Low Ki and Sabin at the same time. Low Ki takes offense and soon the partners are former partners with the fighting and stuff. Luckily, Sabin tosses them both at 9:14 so we can see them wrestle each other next week! This leaves Sabin and X, and that's pretty one-sided. X finally drops Sabin with a sick-looking unprotected double-underhook piledriver on a chair and tosses him for the win at 10:26. This was not full of X Division goodness, nor was it a particularly good battle royal.

Backstage, Hudson tries to interview Don Callis, MBA (w/haircut! and bow tie! and pipe!) about Abyss, but Callis only wants to talk about X. The idea is that Callis signed X to compete in his namesake division. Hudson announces that tonight, we will hear from Callis' arch rival, Rowdy Roddy Piper (omg omg omg). Callis: "I have never been more serious about anything in my life - Rowdy Roddy Piper is INSANE." He starts to go off on Piper, but he's interrupted by the red shirts who say "I know where he is."

"Who?" asks Scott Hudson.

We don't get to find out who :`(

Now here's the taped Piper interview! He's by some hospital and he doesn't like Vince Russo. "Just this morning, I got up and I took a good Vince and thought to myself, 'gee, I actually left a Vince.'" So Piper's all pleased that Jarrett put Russo in the hospital, then he compares the Red Shirt Security to British Redcoats, then he wants to put white shirts on them, then he says he promised insurance to D'Lo Brown, Ricky Santana (wtf), and Erik Watts, and THEN he starts complaining about Hulk Hogan (oh man, Hogan/Piper AGAIN) and says NWA is a rocket ship! This wasn't entirely incoherent but it was pretty useless just the same.

Glenn Gilberti & "The Master Of The Spinebuster" David Young (Atlanta, GA)
v. 3 Live Kru (B-Jizzle & The Suntan Superman, w/K-Dawg)

You have some stupid and terrible names.

So the idea is that Gilberti wasn't expecting to wrestle tonight, so he's not prepared. This is comically illustrated when Gilberti shows up at the ring and HIS BOOTS AREN'T EVEN TIED. Road Dogg and K-Kwik hit this really gay-looking double elbowdrop on Young where they hold hands as they drop it.

You know, for being "The Master Of The Spinebuster," it's weird that Young would hit one and just tag out.

"When I think of Gilberti, I think of another salesman. I think of Herb Tarlick." Don West loved WKRP.

Killings gets whipped into the corner and does that thing where he hops up and the other guy (Young) runs in underneath, only Young doesn't run and so he gets kicked in the face by mistake. That was pretty awesome. The rest of the match has a lot of punches. As the referee removes a chair from the ring, James grabs the NWA tennis racket and hits Young, then Killings connects with a scissors kick for the sweet merciful end at 4:16.

After the match, Diamond and Swinger attack 3 Live Kru until America's Most Wanted makes the save. AMW demands a title shot, but WAIT! 3 Live Kru wants a title shot, but WAIT! Here's Siaki and Ekmo and THEY want a title shot! Siaki claims they made a deal with Gilberti wherein they'd get a title shot if they beat AMW earlier.

"I didn't make no deal. David Young, did I make a deal with these guys?"

"Yeah, I believe you did." I... guess that's funny?

Anyway, Gilberti leaves with nothing settled.

Now we get a video package about James Mitchell and Raven, which gives me a nice excuse to fast forward for a bit.

Last Man Standing Match
Father James Mitchell
v. Raven (The Bowery, 245 lbs)

Raven takes his time starting the match. Mitchell tries to run, but Raven catches him and beats on him. A lot. Into the table, the ringpost, the steps, the ringpost again, and now Mitchell is bleeding a lot. Raven chokes him with a chain and then goes for a chair. He stops to notice the Gathering's appearance at ringside, allowing Mitchell to sneak in a low blow. Mitchell hits a few chairshots and whips Raven with the chain, but Raven fights back, hits a drop toehold on the chair (kinda), and lands the Raven Effect DDT for the pin at 4:55. The referee counts to 10 (even though Raven is still beating on Mitchell) and we get the bell at 5:12. Raven hangs Mitchell over the top rope with the chain as Dinero and Punk taunt Mitchell, who's bleeding like the proverbial stuck pig.

After the match, Raven announces his intention to challenge Jarrett for the NWA title, but... he needs to do this alone. "It's a hard road, but I need to walk it alone, I've always walked it alone." Yeah, I don't remember the Flock either. Anyway, Raven walks off as Punk and Dinero beg him to reconsider.

Here's Tenay and West (shirt/tie combo: gold, seen on August 13 and October 1). If Scott is right and the code holds true, next week will see Don West wearing a black shirt/tie combo. It seems to go: gold black blue red silver repeat.

Next week, Chad Collyer takes on Chris Sabin (~~~) and Low Ki fights Christopher Daniels (~~~~~) and hey, here's Low Ki with his scary deep voice to threaten Daniels. "Teammates we were, enemies we've become. [...] It is not the size of the fighter, but the size of the fight he will bring." Also next week, Gilberti will issue a clarification about the tag title situation. Also, you can buy DVDs and other stuff (Shark Boy masks! D'Lo bobbleheads!) at the TNA Web site and if you were to buy ME those DVDs, I would give you muchas smootches or at least a handshake.

Jeff Jarrett (Hendersonville, TN)
v. This Is Stiiiiiiiiing (Venice Beach, CA)

No idea if this is a title match or not, so I'm guessing not. Jarrett's intro video is very annoying.

They've mentioned several times that Jarrett is the "Mr. October of wrestling," and I guess for one month per year I might care. This is not that month.

Jarrett takes a Sting blanket from some fat redneck woman, then he throws it back at her so she gives him the finger and yells lots of words that appear to have "fucker" in them. Lots of stalling before the match actually begins, and lots more after it starts. This match is moving "slowly," let's be nice and say that. Sting goes for a Scorpion Deathlock, but Jarrett hits the ropes. They fight to the floor and into the crowd, where the fat redneck woman's Sting blanket gets used as a weapon by Sting. They fight onto the announce table, where Sting hits Jarrett with a fan. The kind that circulates air, I mean.

Back in the ring, Sting yells WOO! Sting your cool. Jarrett puts Sting in a sleeper, then Sting fights out and goes for a Scorpion again, but the ref gets bumped and this is not a good match. Sting counters a beltshot with a Scorpion Deathdrop, which means it's just about time for the run-in parade. Sure enough, the ref slowly counts 2 and Don Callis, MBA pulls the ref out of the ring. Jarrett lays out Sting with a beltshot, but now Jimmy Hart breaks up the count. Sting hooks the Deathlock, but the red shirts show up and Sting fights them off. Jarrett lays out Sting with a chairshot and that is enough for a DQ (8:42). So good or no good? NO GOOD.

Beatdownery ensues until Raven makes the save, beating on Jarrett while the red shirts very conspicuously look the other way. They finally decide to turn around, and Raven drops one of them with the worst superkick ever. He then takes the worst whip into the corner ever, and finally the heels continue the beatdown until AJ Styles makes the save. The red shirts beat him up too, and hey, here's Abyss! I missed that guy!

No.

Abyss chases the heels away, but AJ Styles makes the mistake of shaking Abyss' creepy undead zombie mechanic hand, and Abyss pulls him into a Black Hole Slam. Jarrett gets a guitar, but Sting blocks the guitarshot with a bat ("SWEET LUCIFER'S GHOST MIKE TENAY STING'S GOT ONE OF THOSE VICIOUS BATS IN HIS BARE GLOVED HANDS HE'S GONNA GET THE BAT HEPATITIS"), then proceeds to beat down the heels as they attack in hilarious one-at-a-time, walking-double-axhandle style.

The heels run away, but Callis gets the mic and announces that next week, Red Shirt Security will take care of Raven! Sting, meanwhile, has a mic of his own and announces that he too will be back next week - as long as AJ Styles will be his tag team partner. Then Jarrett gets on the mic and for a second, the world stopped...

"Sting! Sting! Sting! That's no problem! Next week, Sting, AJ Styles against Jeff Jarrett - and Jimmy Hart, you say somebody's been calling you all week, well I've got a man who can't wait to show up in TNA - so next week, Sting and AJ Styles versus Jeff Jarrett...

...and THE TOTAL PACKAGE, LEX LUGER!"

Don West and Mike Tenay crap themselves simultaneously and so did I. I mean, this was not a good show by any stretch, but bringing in LUGER?! Well, I'm gonna order it, so, good for them, I suppose. But what can I say? The potential for tasteless chants, mean-spirited signs, awkward moments - not to mention the match quality (or lack thereof) - makes this a must-see.