½WWE Royal Rumble - 01/30/05
by Butch Rosser
[Sorry this is late, but I can't afford digital cable and the bastards took the PPVs out of Hooters. Terrorists haven't won, my ass.]
We get the open. We take you back to the Flair, HBK, Austin, Triple H wins and Benoit's victory last year before we get the Awesome Video Package.
"For 17 years, it has been a cornerstone of the WWE. A one of a kind event. Unchanged, yet unpredictable. It has delivered some of the most memorable moments in wrestling history. And so tonight...the legacy continues." There can be only one Royal Rumble winner! Flair! Rey! HBK! Booker! Shelton! Kane! Jericho! London? LONDON! Taker! Batista! Christian! Rey! Cena! 18 other guys! Bang a gong, let's get it on!
PS2 brings you the 18th annual Royal Rumble! The West Side Rumble gets used for the set, but f that: dig them signs! Check the rabid fans!
Michael Cole & Tazz kick us off, swing it over to Hugo y Carlos, and Hugo y Carlos bienviendos para Geraldo y Juan--er, King & JR. Live on January 30th, from the Selland Center up the road in Fresno, Cali. And boy, if you liked Alter Bridge doing the Royal Rumble theme, then I think I know you!
EDGE (242, Toronto) vs. SHAWN MICHAELS (225, San Antonio)
Some of you might say Edge isn't one of the best 3 things going on in the WWE, but clearly, some of you are really fucking stupid. JR brings up Shawn winning the 96 Rumble in this very arena. Before he can in-ring pose Edge jumps him (hooray!) but eats a pair of rights with the second one dropping him. Whip by Michaels, baaaaack body drop. Cactus clothesline But Of Course HBK skins the cat back in. JR brings up the origin of that, appropriately enough as we see Edge's reaction on the floor. There is a song playing in his eyes, and it's "How I Could Just Kill A Man". HBK chant. Collar and elbow that Edge gets the advantage on and powers them into the corner. Haymaker misses, HBK chops him twice, throws a right in there, and makes it thrice on the Flair County punchcard. Across the ring, Edge eats the turnbuckle and HBK whips him into the ropes. Shawn ducks too soon and gets a swinging neckbreaker for his troubles. Edge sucks chant. Three big rights by Edge before HBK CRACKS him one hard enough to switch the momentum. More right hands, but Edge thumbs him in the eye. Big chop by Edge but the whip is reversed THESZ PRESS STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD! HBK dumps Edge and runs for it--baseball slide misses. Edge ducks a right, Edge-O-Matic on the floor! Now Edge in the ring, his baseball slide is safe. After introducing Shawn to the apron he rolls him back in and beats on him in the corner, drawing another HBK chant. Cross corner whip and Michaels sells it like the Hand of God. Edge checks his boot size on Shawn a few times. Elbow to the back of the head. HBK fighting back with more rights and chops but Edge counter powerbombs a huracanrana attempt for 2½. Rear naked choke as the crowd rallies behind Shawn again. Blood from Edge's arm, HBK tries to fight up but can't quite do it. HBK chant draws him up, but Edge yanks him down by the hair. No school like Old School. baHA Edge does the double bicep pose in mid-ring he stopped Michaels from doing to kick this off. Edge is Number One & The Best.
Hair pull again draws Chioda's ire, but Edge is still on the attack. To the
buckle goes Shawn, cross corner but HBK backdrops a charging Edge. He lands on
the apron and guillotines the Texan before ascending. He flies off for the
Steamboat press but HBK ducks and quickly Oklahoma rolls him for 2. Edge
responds by kicking him right in the mush. Advantage, Edge. Only 2, though.
Another hair pull and finally Edge can smile. Right hand but HBK twists out of
the back suplex into a lateral press for 2. Edge with a quick clothesline to cut
off that tap, modified rear chinlock. Crowd clapping along, body blows by
Michaels before he unleashes a torrent of rights and chops, Edge whips him into
the ropes, II! II! II! Big kneelift, axehandle shot right to the face drops
Edge. Inverted atomic drop, right, chop. Cross-corner reversed but HBK throws
the back elbow. CHOP. Citizens! Count to 10 whilst I punch this man about the
face and head--well, it only got up to 5, Edge brings him out and HBK sunset
flips him, 2. Catapult leads to a schoolboy but Edge kicks out at 2.5. Edge
bails but Shawn brings him back and continues to pummel him. Chioda begging
Shawn to take this back into the ring, SPEAR! Not much velocity (as it should
be), but it hit on the floor. Replay as HBK staggers in at nine. Edge sees him
AND WARMS UP THE BAND! RAMMING SPEEEEEED! SPEAR~! ONE! TWO! THRE--KICKOUT!?
Replay as Edge loses it in live time. He puts HBK up top but that's just asking
to get reversed and knocked down. Sho' nuff. Savage elbow CONNECTS! Both men
down but HBK has the powah! AND THE LAWD SAID YOU GOT TO WARM THE BAND UPAH!
SWEET CHIN--FUCK THAT! ELECTRIC CHAIR! TWO! Oh, I want to have that
reversal's babies. Edge is practically crying like a church on Monday now.
Replay. Edge brings the right, Shawn brings a chop, another right, Shawn for
another sunset flip but Edge rolls through...EDGESHOOTER! HBK grimacing and
scraping. 30 seconds in it as Edge pulls him away from the ropes. HBK still
fighting onward...got the bottom rope after about a minute. Edge reapplie--small
package--2-count for Michaels. Slam by Edge, HBK slips out the back into a
reverse rollup, Edge grabs the tights--then grabs the ropes-- and grabs the win!
(18:35)
½
--We take you to the back now with GM Bischoff, GM Long, the tumbler, Torrie Wilson, and Hyperactive Spice. God, I hate Christy Hemme. Ric Flair & Eddie Guerrero in to pick, but hell, I'd watch Ric & Eddie read the phone book. They hit on the opposite brand hottie, because...it's RIC & EDDIE. C'mon now. Eddie goes in, but Ric cuts him off. "16 times, buddy." They blow on Ric's ball. Ric is giddy. Eddie looks like he has to wrestle Reigns again. Eddie graciously shakes hands and hugs Ric before leaving. It only occurs about 20 seconds after the fact that Eddie has lied about being gracious, cheated Flair out of his spot, and stolen his number, vato. Gold, Jerry. GOLD.
--Heidenreich is freaking out, but gets some boosting from his hetero lifemate Snitsky. They have a plan. It is evil and may in fact be crazy.
--Video package for...
CASKET MATCH -- HEI DEN REICH (285, New Orleans) v. UNDERTAKER (305, "Death Valley"):
We go from the sublime to the ridiculous. Taker puts Heidenreich in side headlocks and ambles towards the casket. Heidenreich breaks free, UT shoulder knockdown. Hiptoss attempt from Heidenreich reversed and executed by Taker, ARMDRAG? Heidenreich runs away from it again, and gets a shoulder knockdown of his own. Taker with a single leg takedown quickly worked into a half-crab? FIGHT, you hippomatic land masses! Heidenreich runs, the crowd boos, and I mentally review how much money I have in my account. On the floor they fight. UT gets a knee to the gut but Heidenreich reverses a whip and sends Taker into the casket. Heidenreich with kicks and punches. He slams UT's head into the casket. One more. Punches & body blows as the crowd tries to clap Taker back into it. UT gets a triangle choke/armbar looking thing from the corner and manages it down into a triangle choke on the mat.
The crowd boos but before you think they have any taste, it turns out Snitsky is in to beat up Taker. They woke me up for this? Clothesline with the bad arm for Gene. Cole is OUTRAGED. Crowd chants for Kane as the Axis of Evil double suplex Taker. They pull UT to the casket but through WOODGRAIN AND FANCY LINING, IT'S KANE! Kane is a house afire intentionally for the second time in his career as he boots Heidenreich out of the ring and Cactus clotheslines Snitsky out. They fight to the crowd and out of this match. Cole's fine with this, the hypocrite. Heidenreich tries to push the casket out of the arena thus allowing Taker to grab him from behind and slam his face into it. Hey, Christian Coalition sign! Represent! Whip reversal from Heidenreich and Taker goes up and over the stairs. Replay as Heidenreich pulls the protective flooring up. Now Heidenreich bounces Taker off the apron and punches him into submission. He checks to make sure nobody's in it (heh) and I've already blown the obvious Animal House joke so he pushes the casket into the slumped Undertaker! Cole makes the No Mercy corollary right off. Back in, Heidenreich blows and gets the cobra clutch. He pushes Taker to the casket but the armis up. Punches out of there, puts the lid on Heidenreich's head and legdrops the sucker! HOLY SHIT chant is sort of generous, but okay. Goozle but Heidenreich headbutts. Cross corner, UT boots up and runs off for the leaping clothesline BOSSMAN SLAM! Heidenreich, of course, covers. He then drags Taker back inside the casket, shuts the GOOZLE. Slugfest won by UT, Heidenreich ducks off a whip and gets the running DDT. UT calling for it--chokeSLAM! Cut to the throat, Tombstone. Check, please. (13:22) DUD
--Teddy tries to talk Eddie into giving it back, but here comes Evolution to beat it out of him. Batista's wearing the road red trunks. I don't know why I noticed that. He gives it up. And the wallet. We stay with the evil triumvirate, as Batista wants to go draw and Triple H wants to go over The Plan. They stare down, but Flair's quick to settle them down.
Elsewhere, Christian & Tyson Tomko are talking to Bischoff. I [heart] the Captain Charisma shirt. They signed the petition as Long catches Bischoff up to speed. Time for the Captain to get picking. Christian to the gals: It's a very tough job, you should be proud of yourselves. Christian, by the way, RULES. If you don't know, now ya know. Christian's happy but here comes John Cena all taking his moment of glory. Christian is unimpressed, as well he should be. Hell, Christian could make John Cena look like Color Me Badd. "Tomko, give me a beat." "No." Hey, for the first time in his tenure Tomko actually did something right! Excelsior! Christian's about to go off! Yes!
"My name is Christian/the King of Crunk/I'm taking you to school, Cena/and you're gonna flunk/I'm Captain Charisma/I'm--I'm Captain Charisma, read 'em and weeps/I'm gonna throw you out (thumps chest)/for all my Peeps/And just like--Just like Dracula comes from Transylvania/I'm winning the Rumble/and going on to WrestleMania!" Christian drops a little beatboxing, too! The man's a human Swiss Army Knife! Oh, here comes John Boy...
"Captain Charisma, walking around with your fake smile/Think you can rap just because you watched 8 Mile? [ME: pot kettle black, but whatever]/Word on the street is your peeps are weak/and you & Blackbeard share a bed when you sleep/Yo, this is Chain Gang, we run the show down/Tonight's like your sex life/your ass is gonna go down/I come to the ring when my name is called/You can pick my number, you like playing with balls." How DARE he.
TRIPLE THREAT SMACKDOWN TITLE -- KURT ANGLE (220, Pittsburgh) v. BIG SHOW (470, Tampa) v. JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD (290, New York):
Both the heels are selling the Last Man Standing match they had on the last SmackDown before this. I gotta say it, that JBL logo with him in place of the Towers is so perfectly wrong it's enough to make a hard rock smile. Angle's playing Grand Shit Disturber on the outside of the ring to get Show's attention. Guess what, it works, JBL with a right. CHOP, right. Show reverses a whip and misses a line. JBL goes for the shoulderblock but Show's is bigger and drops him. Headbutt sends us to the corner for the SKILLET CHOP. Another headbutt. JBL calling on Angle to bail him out but no dice. Shh. SKILLET CHOP! Cross corner whip, JBL flying off the second rope--it's so weird seeing him as the victim to this spot rather than the benefactor. Show with a slam, legdrop, brutha, Angle breaks the count at 2. Headbutt to Angle, SKILLET CHOP for you too. Right hand keeps JBL down, and Angle hits the deck off a Show cross corner whip. JBL tries to jump on Show here and lights him up with chops and rights, but foolishly tries a suplex. Reversed. Show whips Angle, boots him. Double line and both heels hit the floor. Show ambles out and gives JBL a right, and makes Kurt eat the steps. JBL grabbed and whipped into the post. Kurt goes for his foolish German he seems contractually obligated to do against Show and gets 470 pounds of ass in response. Insert Joy Giovanni joke here. Show puts the steps by the SmackDown table and fends off a right from the champ to hammer him down. Show clearing the table, as is his wont, and here's the goozle for JBL. Angle runs up and lowblows Show. Kurt crackalacks him with a monitor--teetering by the desk--TIMBERRRRRRRRRRRR!
Angle sends JBL into the barrier, knee to the sternum, another taste of the
barrier. He rolls JBL back in but the champ hammers him on the back when he
comes in. Whip reversal to an Angle armdrag, quick to the armBAR as we take a
replay of Show's stage dive. JBL with a shot ducked by Angle, who double legs
his way into a keylock. Angle continues going after the arm to nullify the
Clothesline, and puts it through the wringer. JBL counters with a right.
Cross-corner whip to Kurt and JBL stampedes in right behind him with a
clothesline. Cross-corner back from where they came, but Angle sidesteps
JBL...German! JBL grabbing onto the ropes and Kurt trying to hammer his back
into compliance. JBL fighting out, CLOTHESLINE FROM ducked by Angle, German! And
Down Come The Straps! ANGLE SL--no, never mind, JBL slips out and BOOTs him. 2.
Show gets back into the ring and runs them both over with a double line. Hi,
JBL. Bye, JBL. Hi, Kurt. Bye, Kurt. Hi, JBL. Bye, JBL. Hi, Kurt. Bye, Kurt. Slam
for JBL, slam Angle on JBL. Whip sends JBL into Angle, ASSVALANCHE!
Another double line and Down Comes The Strap! Double goozle, but the heels fight
out--TOTAL ELIMINATION! Angle chop block, Clothesline From Black Friday! Man,
there are some great innovative spots in this. JBL goes for a cover, but
forgetting about Kurt Angle where I'm from gets one German suplexed. Kurt with
the cover on Show, 2 and a big kickout. ANGLE SLAM for Show! JBL BOOTs Angle yet
again for 2. JBL calling for the end, Clothesline From--dodged--chokeSLAM! One,
two, foot on the ropes. JBL staggers out and Show follows him out of the ring
and RUNS THEM BOTH THROUGH THE BARRIER! Holy Shit chant, of course. A couple of
replays as in-ring Kurt is putting his body between the ref and a chair in the
corner. Show goes in the ring to get after Kurt as the Cabinet runs to check on
Fearless Leader. Kurt charges and Show flapjacks him into the chair! EMTs out,
cover, two, Jindrak pulls Hebner II out of the ring. Reigns sneaks out from the
crowd and dumps Show over the top & Son of Team Angle goes after him in the
aisle. Tazz says this is no DQ. I guess. Orlando grabs JBL and rolls him into
the ring? Clothesline From Black Friday on Angle! One, two, three! That was only
(12:04)?!
Show's in too late. Cole does a great job putting over this latest fluke &
Big Show getting the giddy fickle middle finger of fate due to the numbers game.
Bashams helped Son of Team Angle keep Show away during the pinfall, which we
didn't see live. You know, he'll never be Benoit but Bradshaw's a fine nise
Hansen. What the hell.
½.
--Batista heads on his way to draw his number, but gets held up by Carlito. Carlito kisses his ass and asks to sign the petition. Batista gracefully declines, and Carlito goes for the apple. Flagpole: La Resistance:: Petition:...Carlito gets the analogy and swallows. Batista gives Carlito a friendly clap (on the bad shoulder, natch) and continues on. Bischoff harangues Long about the interference, and Long responds Evolution's a lock to interfere. Batista's "I'm just drawing my number" is platinum. Bisch bans Evolution from ringside, and opts to tell Triple H himself. Batista says he'll do it with a wan smile on his face.
--Eugene Gump commercial.
--Video package to set up the following...
RAW TITLE -- RANDY ORTON (260, St. Louis) v. TRIPLE H (265, Greenwich):
HHH holds the belt over Randy's head and gets slapped for it. Quick to the starting wrestling exchange with an Orton shoulder knockdown. HHH tries to catch him with a hiptoss off the ropes but Orton reverses to a backslide for 2. The champion with a line, and Orton punches HHH into the corner with rights & lefts. I may be off but it seems like Orton's the only ambidexterous guy on the roster. Cross corner whip and the back body drop. Orton calls for the RKO but it's way too damn soon and Triple H pushes off and bails to the floor. Randy follows him out and drops him with a right, then introduces him to the apron. Back in, Triple H tries to get the jump on him with a run to the ropes but Orton leaps up with his impressive dropkick to nip that in the bud. Cover, 2. Stomps & punches from the third generatoner in the corner. Triple H kicks him in the gut, grabs him, and sends him into the buckle. The match deteriorates into a slugfest until Triple H kicks him in the gut again. CITIZENS! Count to ten whilst I punch this man about the face--why is Triple H doing this, why are they counting--Orton Snake Eyes out (called as such) at five. Orton with a running start, RKpushed over the top to the floor! Triple H rolls out to whip Orton to the steps then mocks the Orton Stance in-ring. Randy slow getting in, HHH stomping and choking. Cross-corner, but Orton gets a boot up. Gut shot & he punches away to boos & a Randy Sucks chant. Yikes. In his defense, the whole front row besides Sign Guy With Hat seems to be HHH marks and the micing isn't getting into the bleachers. Orton goes for a slam, Triple H slips out the back and chop blocks him. HHH dragging him to the corner to post the leg, and now another chop block. Jumping elbow to the leg and he slams the knee into the mat. Quad pulls, elbow to the leg, kneebar. Hennig kneebreaker! HHH goes for the figure four but Orton rolls him up in a small package for 2. Triple H kicks him in the knee, figure four applied! Randy moving for the ropes...grasping...down for 2. HHH muscles them back closer to the center of the ring and Orton goes down for another nearfall. Helmsley slapping Randy and that wakes him up enough to reverse. HHH to the ropes quick, and up first after the recovery period.
Orton still down, Triple H drops a knee on the leg. The champion slides out
of the ring and slams it into the apron. He grabs it again but Randy kicks him
away and Triple H bumps up and over the Spanish table. O-kay. Triple H recovers
first and goes back into the ring but charges right into the 3.Orton. Boos/TRL
pop for that. Slugfest goes to Orton, who moves it into the corner and mixes in
some body shots. Cross corner reversed but Orton runs out and delivers a
swinging neckbreaker to barely get 2. Neckbreaker gets the same. Whip to the
ropes, Orton ducks too soon and gets kicked but catches HHH with a powerslam for
2.5. Triple H in the corner now, CITIZENS...never mind, Triple H with an
inverted atomic drop. Triple H goes up for the old Flair spot except Orton
armdrags instead of slams. Randy going up, Steamboat press! Cover, two,
three-quarters. Whip but Orton ducks too soon and gets the facebuster to the
knee. KICK WHAM PEDIcountered out of with a catapult. Randy calling for it,
RKPushed off into the corner. HHH of the ropes, Harley Race. Only gets an arm
over the chest on the cover, 2¾. Randy bleeding from the mouth here as Triple H
goes back for the Pedigree but takes way too long taunting the Fresnoians(?) and
Orton clotheslines him down. He, too, only manages an arm drape and Triple H
kicks out at 2.9. Lawler notes that one. To the floor, where Orton sends HHH
into the barrier and into the steps. Back in, punches with an European uppercut
thrown in. Orton with rights, then keeping a slumping Triple H up to punch him
again. Evenflow but the Game holds onto the top rope, causing the concussion. a)
Too simple a bump b) If they were going to do this angle, they should've saved
the RKO pushoff to the floor spot, then replaced the bump to the floor with a
bump through the table and had Triple H end the match right after rolling him
back in. Two pence and all that. Replay as Orton hits the floor. Hebner checking
Orton and bringing him in, essentially. HHH charges and gets the 7-10 split.
Stomp to the back of the head sends Orton back out, and cue up Peter Gabriel!
HHH advances with the sledgehammer, but Orton DTHs him into the post! HHH
stumbles in, overselling with no juice gathered from the post bump. Randy v e r
y s l o w l y gets in, makes a grab before actually getting the sledgehamer. HHH
cuts him off with a clothesline and we get a replay of that. With Hebner
starting to recover, Triple H chucks the sledge, brings Randy up, Pedigree.
Better luck next time, kid. (21:29)
--Nunzio is on his way to the ring. And then, not so much. "Gimme your number. I'm Kurt Angle, bitch." (Paraphrasing.) He does so.
--Long gives Bisch his props with the no interference edict, but here's the Cabinet & Fearless Leader. They are whooping it up with champagne and good times. JBL gives Teddy a "What's up, nephew!" and promises him a 40 of Colt .45, he's in such a good mood. I'm an OE man, myself, but either way. Teddy has an announcement. JBL wants to sober up, but no. It's about No Way Out, but JBL's got bottles of bub to drink and chicks to turn bi. Teddy presses on, however. He's facing the Big Show. "What's he gonna do, eat me? I'm a wrestling god!" And no outside interference again. "We didn't need it tonight!" Oh, yeah, and it's in a cage. With barbed wire. JBL: eep.
--They switch over to JR & Tazz, which is always fun; they're one "WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!" away from going down and tackling somebody themselves, in a goofily amusing way. Fink hits the rules. 90 second intervals. Time to make the donuts!
2005 ROYAL RUMBLE
EDDIE GUERRERO draws #1 (no wonder he tried to switch off) and CHRIS BENOIT is #2. WORKRATEGASM~! Big Eddie chants as they chain wrestle for the whole period, neither one getting a big advantage on the other. Good stuff. I know, I'm shocked too.
#3, DANIEL PUDER. Benoit stomping Eddie in the corner as Puder gets THE STICK and promises history as the first Tough Enough winner to win the Rumble. Danny, you know where you are? You're in the jungle, baby. You're gonna DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE. The Radicals beat him down and then light him up like Ted Kennedy on New Year's Eve with big-ass chops, taking turns. Highly amusing. Double suplex. Benoit hooks Puder, falling back suplex. Eddie hooks him up and runs out this interval con Tres Verticales, just in time for #4...
HARDCORE HOLLY, that worthless piece of shit. He tells Benoit & Guerrero he's on it, three stiff chops in the corner. Benoit lays one in as Tazz & JR call a spade a spade and say it's an initiation of the new kid. Benoit holds Puder up, Holly chops him again. Crowd cheers as Eddie gets his turn. Tazz: JR, I think that one knocked his areola off. Alabama Crunch, Alabama Slam, and here's the next warm body--STAND BACK! THERE'S A
HURRICANE in at numero cinco as we get our first elimination. (06'01"--PUDER by HOLLY) Smart switch to the camera behind the S!D announce table to make sure it got shown. Benoit & Guerrero run up on Holly and throw him out, too. (06'12"--HOLLY by BENOIT/GUERRERO) Hurricane in and Eddy smacks him with a couple of chops and Benoit throws three in for good measure. Double whip--JR: Hurricane got here just in time to get the hell beat out of him--double back elbow. Eddie turns on Benoit & tries to throw him out. Benoit chops Eddie three times to knock that fool idea out of his head. Replay of the Puder elimination as Hurricane tries to pick up the scraps. Eddie reversing Hurricane into the corner, Helms with the European uppercut to stagger Eddie back. Overcast! Hurripose! Benoit CHOP! Again. 3rd time. Benoit whips Hurricane to Guerrero, who backdrops him out. (07'21"--HURRICANE by GUERRERO)
KENZO SUZUKI's #6. Just come around, you're the next MC on Catch A Beatdown. Benoit chops the fugu out of him, Eddie whips Suzuki in and quickly follows in with a nice dropkick. SNAP suplex courtesy of Benoit. Eddie back suplexes him--Benoit throws Eddie over! But Guerrero cocoons himself in the ropes. That kids, is what Edge & Christian used to call a "receipt". Benoit works Kenzo over. BUZZ. YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME.
#7, EDGE! Edge SPRINTS to the ring and beats anything with a pulse. He tries to toss Eddie and fails, drawing another Eddie chant as he HUGS THE BOTTOM ROPE~! Benoit grabs Edge after a shot on Suzuki, hooking clothesline. Kenzo hammers Benoit with corner stomps, Benoit comes back to take a shot at Kenzo's leg, and we got another one.
REY MYSTERIO in at #8. Big pop. 619 REPRASENT! Edge shoots him into the ropes after he gets in shots on the Rads, wheelbarrow bulldog from Mysterio. Dropkicks Benoit in the corner. Kenzo scoops Rey up, Rey slips out, headscissors! Sayanora! (11'27--SUZUKI by MYSTERIO) Eddie whips Rey, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Same for Benoit. Edge goes after Eddie and we count it down. Clock stops, but AIN'T NO STOPPING ME NOWWWWWWWWWW
SHELTON BENJAMIN, the reigning Intercontinental Champion, comes down in the #9 slot. Good pop as JR calls him maybe the best pure athlete in the Rumble. Edge takes some rights at his hands, whip and Shelton with a spinning back elbow. Some punches for Eddie, back body drop. Hammering Edge down in the corner as the Radicals & Rey mix it up on the other side of the ring. Rey gets free and chop blocks Benjamin, sort of saving Edge. Rey whipped in, around-the-world headscissors takeover on Benjamin. Benoit tries to dump Eddie but Mysterio saves. CAN YOU DIG IT, SUCKA?!
#10? BOOKER T. As he comes in, Tazz mentions BT MEing WM vs. HHH. But he's a year off. Also, I like acronyms. Booker comes in and beats Edge down. Whips him in, spin kick. Benoit kitchen sinks Eddie. Rey & Shelton almost eliminate each other but they both hang on as Bisch comes out to root on his side. Benoit locks Eddie in the Sharpshooter. Eddie taps but it's worthless and Rey saves him with a springboard dropkick BREAK THE WALL DOWWWWWWWN
#11--CHRIS JERICHO. Tazz is a little startled by the pyro, as you might expect. Y2J hits everything in the corners, back elbow off the ropes for Shelton. He drops Booker to a Y2J chant. Booker hooked up by Jericho, falling back suplex. Jericho after Eddie now. CITIZENS! Count to 10--wow, he actually got to 9 before Booker cut him off. Teddy Long out. JR: Represent, as they say. You all just saw J.R. put me over, right? Good. Shelton drops Booker, Benoit backbreakers Rey.
LUTHER REIGNS, #12. JR: A guy like Reigns could shock the world here. (Unspoken: He won't.) Pointless brawling until one group is on one side, and the other--well, would you look at this. Four RAW. Four Smack!Down. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE ROYAL RUMBLE WINNER! Big brawl as the crowd loses their shit in a nice moment. Tazz: Come on, Jericho, pick on somebody your own size! Like somebody who don't wear a mask, for God sakes. Eddie ALMOST backdrops Shelton out but no.
MUHAMMED HASSAN and of course they give him #13. Nice. The Christian Coalition at ringside salaams to him but they're probably the only liberals in the joint right now. Hassan enters, and prays to Allah. And everybody kicks his ass to another huge pop. Absolutely disgusting. Edge, Benoit & Jericho, Canadian. Shelton & Booker, black. Rey & Eddie, Hispanic. Did not ONE of you experience racial discrimination?! Jericho throws the headwear into the crowd as Tazz desires & gets "stomping a mudhole in his ass and walking it dry". Set up, 619. Everybody puts him up in a Passion of the Arab moment and throws him out. (20'13"--HASSAN by AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!)
#14--ORLANDO JORDAN. They haven't changed his music? Nobody notices his entrance in all the fun and scapegoating. Tazz notes the lackeys feuding after Jordan's first target is Reigns. Shelton & Y2J almost bounce each other, and we get a fun visual of Rey fighting it out with Luther.
SCOTTY 2 HOTTY in at #15, the number I drew in the Seadawg Pool. Upon learning of this, Scotty feels ashamed and foredoomed, and allows Hassan to beat the wigger out of him and strap on the camel clutch. *sigh* (22'55ish" by HASSAN(?)) Shelton splash on Edge! He almost eliminates him, but not quite. Benoit chops away at Reigns and as the clock winds down we're halfway home. JR notes #1 & #2 are still alive.
CHARLIE HAAS in at #16, the first time we've gotten guys from the same brand consecutively since the beginning. Haas hits Benoit, then Jericho, then Booker waylays him with a superkick. Same for OJ. Luther attacks Booker, but Booker reverses into an arm wrench to set up the hook kick. Scotty lead to the back as Booker clotheslines Reigns out! (24'22"--REIGNS by BOOKER) And Jordan! (24'25--JORDAN by BOOKER) He's got that look in his eyes--SPINAROONIE! JR: It's a Rumbleroonie! Rey dropkicks Booker from behind and Eddie lowbridges him out! (24'41--BOOKER by REY/GUERRERO) Rey trying to apologize to Booker. Shelton catches him sleeping, T-BONE! Replay of the Booker elimination as Benoit & Edge and Rey & Y2J are fighting it out.
RENE DUPREE drawing #17. Dupree after Rey, but Haas stunguns him. He's calling for Shelton, and gets him. They're gonna do it--BROKEN ARROW! Nice spot as the WGTT high-five. Rey receipts the happy Shelton with a mother of a spin heel kick. Another Shelton splash--Edge ducks under--Shelton lands on the top rope and Edge shoves him off to the floor! (26'55"--BENJAMIN by EDGE) They talk about his atheleticsm and his instincts costing him there; Tazz thinks he could've won it.
#18--SIMON DEAN. JR: Oh, for God sakes. I
love shoot blah blah blah. Dean s l o w l y comes down and goes through his
routine as the fighting continues inside. Rey hits a huracanrana on Eddie but
the 619 gets a dial tone. PET COON. Edge grabs Eddie and throws him out! (28'15--GUERRERO
by EDGE) Edge DOES THE SHIMMY~!, drawing Vegas summer heat. Y2J dropkicks
him in the back. Dean comes in as the interval ends, weightlifting belt on on
on--no, wait, that last bit was OH, OH, SHAWWWN...
SHAWN MICHAELS. I think he's #19. I know he's got a huge pop. He's got the rights that send Edge straight down. He's got the moves to eliminate Simon. (29'10"--DEAN by MICHAELS) Mocking Hindus, and he works on Charlie here. Eddie gets a chant on his way out, noted by the announcers but not shown. JR begins confusing Haas with Dupree here. Rey keeps dodging Edge, pissing him off. HBK backdrops Haas out. (30'18--HAAS by MICHAELS) He finally gets his hands on Edge as Tazz hopes for a SmackDown guy.
KURT ANGLE, #20. Wish granted. And how.
German for Benoit! Rey runs up, overhead belly-to-belly! Jericho trying, no
dice, German on Y2J! KICK WHAM ANGLE SLAM on Edge! Keep your hair, pretty boy!
French? I spit on the French! ANGLE SLAM for Dupree! Michaels is the last man
stand--KICK WHAM ANG--no, SWEET FUCK THAT! ANKLELOCK, BITCH! HBK rolls
through, Angle stops against the rope, SWEET CHIN MUSIC! (31'15--ANGLE by
MICHAELS) That's three in a row. Tazz is pissed. HBK chant. HBK dropped and
choked by Rey, which is amusing.
COACH has #21. Tazz mocks RAW for letting
Coach in the Rumble as JR sits and takes it, pretty much. JR: If you're
wondering which one he is, just look at his ass, it's got Coach written all over
it! Coach cheapshots Benoit from behind. Well, that's just asking for a Rodney
Kinging but it doesn't happen as Coach runs away and makes sweet love to the
corner. SCALDED DOG, in case you're playing JR Bingo at home. JR: I wouldn't
cross Benoit with a chainsaw. Y2J running straddle on Dupree, the Mike Enos eef
you weel. Y2J almost eliminates Rey, Rey almost headscissors him out, and the
whole thing's a wash.
#22, MARK JINDRAK but screw that, Angle runs in and throws out HBK! Kurt grabbing the ring steps, CLONG! Angle running off the referees as Michaels blades and Kurt beats him like he owes him money. He bounces Shawn's face off the steps, ANKLELOCK! HBK taps but Kurt keeps it on. Fit Finlay and the other SmackDown officials come out to draw Kurt off but not before Kurt gets in a hard parting kick to the face. (34'59"--MICHAELS by ANGLE(?)) Oh, hey, people are in the ring doing stuff.
VISCERA's #23. He smiles as the referees with HBK pass by him on his way out. Jindrak throws Rey over the top but Mysterio hangs on. Viscera drops Jericho, then Jindrak, and slams Rey down. Jindrak goes after Viscera. What did the Japanese announce table think of that? "STUPID! You so STUPID!" JR correlates Viscera to Yokozuna and his winning of the 93 Rumble. The Talking Heads mention how Benoit is still burning down the house.
Hey, speaking of kick-ass 70s bands, PAUL LONDON comes calling at #24. Sliiiiiiiiide. Dupree cuts him off from going all the way out (which would've been legal). London brings the forearms, but Dupree wins out with a hair pull. He kicks London's arm aside, French Tickler. Those who do not learn from Booker T...(37'37"--DUPREE by JERICHO) Y2J with a faux Tickler. Tazz: He can't dance OR sing! The comments made by Tazz in no way, shape, or form resemble those of the No Way Out theme song. Jindrak goes after London, Y2J after Jindr--it's a big clusterfuck against the ropes going nowhere. Next!
#25--JOHN CENA. Crowd, as we say in the hood, is all about this. Off comes the chain, there goes the belt, buh-bye to the hat and he's in there. In there and beating everything moving. Off comes the shirt SQUEAL! Cena & Viscera get in a slugfest, and one of these men is getting pushed to the moon and the other one's fat & black. Vuck Fiscera! (39'01"--VISCERA by CENA) Rey bronco busters Coach.
GENE SNITSKY, #26. Drops Edge, then Jindrak, boot sends Rey Rey down. Clotheslines Jericho with his good arm, then a shoulder knockdown on Benoit. Paul London steps and they fight it out, leading to a London sleeper. Snitsky worms out and London's on the apron. London dodges a clothesline, and he really should've dodged that second one SHOOTING STAR PRESS SUICIDA! HOLY GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SHIT. (40'23"--LONDON by SNITSKY) Paul London was 22 years old. IMMEDIATE replay as I watch it about 10 more times. Cena steps up to Snitsky but Gene slips out the FU and boots Cena down. Whoever could be KABOOM.
Hello. My name is KANE. You killed my baby. Prepare to die. Tazz has had it with the entranceway pyro: JESUS! Why do you have to sit over here?! This is nuts! Number 27 runs on in and we may--MAY--get a Kane/Snitsky slugfest. Tazz remembers Kane eliminating him. Snitsky stomps Kane coming in but gets clotheslined down. The EMTs & Dr. Kevorkian come for London as Kane starts firing off the chokeslams. Edge? DEAD! Benoit? DEAD! Cena? DEAD! Jericho...DEAD! Rey? ONE-HANDED DEAD! Dean Wormer--oh, he's actually dead. Well, that sucks. Jindrak gets off easy. (42'07"--JINDRAK by KANE) Coach cheapshots Kane from behind and Kane goozles him. Snitsky saves and manuevers Kane into position, Coat Hanger!
#28--BATISTA. The roof comes off the dump. Batista: Kills Snitsky--you guessed it--DEAD! (43'10"--SNITSKY by BATISTA) Kane with the ZOMBIE SITUP and KANE AIN'T HAVING NO SHIT FROM NO BATISTA! Slugfest to a BA TI STA chant. He grabs Kane by the weak arm, Demon BOMB! Jericho charges. Jericho is stupid. (43'55"--JERICHO by BATISTA) Batista pounds Edge and almost eliminates him.
CHRISTIAN in the #29 spot, Tomko accompanying him down the aisle. He goes right after Cena for the rapoff earlier, as Tazz notes. Benoit stomping Rey down as Cena reverses and beats Christian down. 619 on Kane, Cena FUs Kane to the floor! (45'14"--KANE by CENA) Rey & Cena are pumped up and go to beat up Coach. Only one man left. THE man left.
RIC FLAIR brings us home as the 30th entry, to an en masse WHOO! Damn straight. He & Batista five and immediately go for the weakest link left: Coach gets chopped, Flair feeds him to Batista, Unholy Spinebuster! (46'30"--COACH by EVOLUTION) Ric directs traffic, hits Christian from behind. Chop, feed to the big man, Unholy Spinebuster! Batista presses Christian in a near-deadlift and throws him out onto Tomko. (46'55"--CHRISTIAN by EVOLUTION) Next! Benoit beats Flair down with ten chops, but Batista drops him from behind. Whip to the ropes, Unholy Spinebuster! Methinks I sense a trend. Flair tosses Benoit and struts (47'31--BENOIT by EVOLUTION), then tries to grab Batista from behind and toss him! Sadly, the law of gravity catches up to him. Flair begs off as Edge & Rey exchange a look and double dropkick Batista down. Flair with a couple chops for Edge, Edge reverses the whip SPEAR! Edge picks Ric up, adios. (48'05"==FLAIR by EDGE)
And Then There Were Four. Batista. Cena. Edge. Rey. Crowd booing the shit out of Edge for eliminating Flair as we get a four-way staredown. Rey goes after Edge, Edge boots him down, and here we go. It breaks down to brand vs. brand as Batista whips Edge into the corner. Edge dodges him, into the ropes with RAMMING SPEEEEEED! SPEAR! Cena looks up, RAMMING SPEEEEED! SPEAR! Edge tells Rey get your ass up, charges but Rey leaps over him out of the corner. DTH by Rey, 619! Rey goes West Coast Pop, Edge walks under, takes a charging Rey and throws him over the top. Rey hanging on, Edge with a SPEAR! (49'18"--MYSTERIO by EDGE) 3.
Edge gives Batista a go, but can't toss, then opts just to beat the crap out of both of them. He charges, they backdrop him over! (49'38"==EDGE by BATISTA/CENA)
Batista v. Cena. SmackDown v. RAW. And so forth. Slugfest, but Cena ducks a clothesline. Up for the FU and he tries to Kane him, but Batista hangs on to the ropes. Cena goes to the announce table side of the ring as Batista punches and elbows, 3rd side of the ring doesn't work. Batista with elbows, now knees to the face--Demon BOMB but they both go up and over the top. Cena wins technically, since his left leg lands on Batista's back but we do the whole '94 Rumble thing as Vince comes out and sends his knee eight ways from Sunday. Both men toss the other in the madness. Vince orders to restart the match. Demon BOMB countered, FU dodged, Unholy Spinebuster! That's for Pete Nice! (53'56"--CENA by BATISTA) Batista wins the Rumble! The animal is loose and heading for BAH GAWD WrestleMania!
Rumble was great stuff, ****½. The World Title matches went really well other than the snail's pace to end the RAW Title match. I was surprised I wished the SmackDown Title match had gone longer, as I assumed going in it was going to be an Exxon Valdez. Other than the casket match, it was gravy on a biscuit.
So I'll see you when I see you. Maybe WrestleMania, if you're good.