WWE SmackDown! - 05-13-04
by Tom Feely

Well, SmackDown! just got a little more FEELY. What that means, I'm not sure. And I'm not sure why I'm doing this either. Whatever, here we go.

Last week, I didn't watch Smackdown because I had finals. But John Bradshaw Layfield (in awesome tracksuit) nearly killed Eddy Guerrero's mother by gently squeezing her shoulder. So Eddy chairshotted the hell out of the Dudley Boyz. That crazy Mexican.

new (to me) open that I was originally going to type out, but I'm not that dedicated. Hey! Rico!

fireworks boom boom boom Reno, NV SAP

TONIGHT: John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Rey Mysterio! ...and that's it! Wow.

ROB VAN DAM (230, Battle Creek, MI) vs. THE DUDLEY (fat/slightly less fat, Dudleyville? New York, NY?): AT JUDGMENT DAY: RVD & REY MYSTERIO VERSUS THE DUDLEY! Z! What a rocketbuster. And here's BUBBA RAY DUDLEY coming down the aisle, with a suave new headband. Oh wait, his head's bandaged from the aforementioned chairshotting. Tazz's sources say he still wants to fight Bradshaw! Bubba's about to climb to the ring, but WAIT! Here's D-VON DUDLEY attacking RVD! It turns out it's his match after all! I just realized I use way too many exclamation points! D-Von raining down rights upon Rob. Tazz describes the Dudleyz as "interchangeable", which doesn't sound right to me even though I can't think of a better word offhand. D-Von choking RVD on the ropes, Bubba jawing at it. You PUNK! RVD blocks getting thrown in the corner, kicks D-Von in the head. Shitty clothesline, shitty punches. Whip reversed, D-Von ducks, RVD somesaults over. D-Von turns around, RVD with a leg lariat. RVD off the ropes, another leg lariat. That unorthodox offense of RVD, kicking people in the head. Two count. More shitty punches, now in the corner. Head of steam, corner dropkick on the seated D-Von. ROB - VAN - DAM. Scoop aaand a slam. Up for the split legged moonsault, but Bubba climbs the steps and RVD tries to...lightly slap him? and fails. D-Von with a shot to the back, and...YES the awesome hangman neckbreaker. Crowd chanting R V D and pointing to themselves, which annoys me unless everyone doing so has the initials R.V.D. in an amazing coincidence. Then again, I just don't like Rob Van Dam. D-Von pulling RVD up by the hair, jawbreaker as RVD falls into the corner. Bubba distracts the ref (Mike Sparks?) as D-Von chokes RVD with his wrist tape. Picks him up, more rights in the corner. Crowd again with the RVD and pointing to himself. Snapmare, CHINLOCK. Hmm, why isn't D-Von's head taped, I wonder. Then I realize I don't really care. RVD fights out of it with elbows, off the ropes, aaand gets clotheslined down. Two count as Bubba Ray gives the 3-D signal. Back to another chinlock, this one more of a choke on the ground. Now not so much. RVD fights out of this one, off the ropes, D-Von knee rolled into a schoolboy by RVD, 2 count. RVD with another educated kick to the head. Both men down, crowd chanting for RVD again. This angers Bubba Ray, and me. Though I guess he's better than D-Von Dudley. RVD pulls himself up in the corner and counters a D-Von charge with a kick to the gut. D-Von kick caught, legsweep. Awful clothesline, mediocre punches, throws D-Von into the corner. RVD up on the top turnbuckle, jumping thrust kick RIGHT to the mush. Two count, ohhhhhh. Bubba Ray shows he knows what the number two is, and demonstrates such to the crowd. Irish whip to the corner, RVD charges, D-Von backbody drops him onto the apron. Kick to the gut by Van Dam, and Bubba Ray hugs RVD's leg because he's into that sort of thing. RVD kicks him in the head, runs down the apron, somersaults onto Bubba. Van Dam back on the apron, shoulder to the gut, flip over and another spin kick to the head. Scoop and slam, rolling thunder! One, two, ohhh that nefarious Bubba Ray has placed his half-brother's leg upon the ropes. So RVD kicks him into the railing. RVD jumps up to the second rope, leaps backwards with another thrust kick to D-Von, who crashes into whoever the ref is. RVD up top, ohhhh crotched by D-Von. D-Von pulls RVD partially off the turnbuckle, hanging DDT. 1, 2, 3, Randy Orton is your new intercontinental champion. (07'27") Tony Chimel says your winner is "The Dudley", which annoys me. Oh no, they're beating RVD down! But here's Rey Mysterio to save him, with that unorthodox offense, such as leg lariats. Play RVD's music because he lost and had to be saved from a beatdown!

EDDY GUERRERO is sitting backstage, looking contemplative and somewhat angry. In wheels MR. KURT ANGLE with LUTHER IFORGETHISLASTNAME. Or is it that Luther rolls in with Mr. Kurt Angle? Anyway. "Eddy. Eddy. I want you to look at me, and listen." He does not. "I know you're upset about your mother's heart attack, but what you did last week...was unprovoked. You can't take your aggressions out on the Dudleys. It was wrong, Eddy, and I'm not gonna stand for it. I'm the General Manager of SmackDown!, dammit. I've already dealt with one loose cannon, The Big Show, and he's no longer here. He's no longer here, Eddy. You want that to happen to you too? 'Cuz it will. Because you've become a loose cannon. You're like a volcano ready to erupt, Eddy, and I can't have that on my show. I don't give a DAMN that you've been waiting for Bradshaw since 10 A.M. this morning. I don't give a damn. Because if you do anything wrong tonight, I promise, there's going to be some serious, severe consequences." Eddy doesn't seem to care, and stands up. "Where are you going? Where are you going, Eddy? Sit down! SIT DOWN, EDDY! I'M DONE TALKING TO YA, EDDY! DAMMIT, EDDY, I'M THE GENERAL MANAGER! GET BACK HERE!" He does not. Kurt seems angry.

commercials - crap

FROM THE LAND OF THE RISING SUN COMES A MAN OF PRIDE. A WARRIOR WITH HONOR. KENZO SUZUKI. He talks like Tajiri. Kenzo Suzuki graphic. Awww, no Hirohito. :(

Hey it's MICHAEL COLE. "Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to introduce you to the NEW cruiserweight champion -- JACQUELINE." And there she is with her big fat fake titties. "Jacqueline, first off, congratulations on a stunning victory last week, and let's take you back right now to this past Thursday on SmackDown! and relive your victory over Chavo Guerrero." They do that. The belt being taken from Chavo Classic was a funny visual, but...uh...no. "What a shocking win. And Jacqueline, you now had a week to let this all sink in, your thoughts on being cruiserweight champion." Ack, she's gonna (try to) talk. "Well Michael, I'm proud...to be the first woman to ever hold the cruiserweight title." Mild cheers. "And I want the fans out thur to tell Chavo Guerrero, Chavo...you lost to a girrrrrl." Okay what's the point of that. "Well Jacqueline, with that being said OOOH, CHAVO." Wait, that's not Michael Cole, that's the entrance music of CHAVO GUERRERO with CHAVO CLASSIC. Neither are happy. Jacqueline...is probably supposed to be, I can't tell. Chavo grabs the mic from Mike and orders him to go, then basks in the boos of the crowd. Mild "CHAVO SUCKS" chants. "Veeeery funny, veeeery funny." Booooo. "I've got something to say to you -- THIEF. That's right, I called you a THIEF." Chavo talks slowly, I like that. "Having MY cruiserweight championship stolen from me was the SINGLE worst day of my career. Maybe the worst day of my LIFE. And it's definitely the biggest RIPOFF in WWE HISTORY!" UNTIL JUDGMENT DAY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH $34.95 HAHAHAHAHA GET IT. Chavo Classic agrees with Chavo...Not Classic. "The fact is, you CHEEEAAATED to beat me, Chavo Guerrero, a MAN'S MAN. Everyone in here knows, there ain't NO WAY you can beat me without cheating." Jackie chants from the first few rows. "Earlier I talked to Kurt Angle, and he told me, this Sunday at Judgment Day, it's gonna be ME versus YOU for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship. And to prove that I'm the better...MAN, I'm gonna have one arm tied behind my back." Classic takes the mic. "You know, son, that is really great. You bringing some justice back to the family, proving what a man you are at Judgment Day and getting your cruiserweight title. But you know what, I want some redemption here TONIGHT. So Jacklin, I am challenging you to a match RIGHT NOW. Unless, of course, you don't have...the HUEVOS." As Tazz points out, she doesn't. Chavo Classic is awesome. CHAVO CLASSIC VERSUS JACQUELINE -- NEXT.

commercials - more crap

Match in progress as Classic trips Jacqueline and smacks her on the ass. If that's what he's into, you go for it, Chavo. Chavo posing for the crowd, dropkicked in the back and out of the ring. He climbs back in, drop toe hold, she gets on top of him and smacks him on the head a few times. I'd say she was messing up his hair, but he doesn't really have any. Classic backs Jacqueline into the corner, shoulder charges to the stomach. Though she has to stand on the first rope to prevent them from looking stupid. Well, as not stupid as freaking Chavo Guerrero Sr. versus Jacqueline can look. Snapmare by Chavo, and we hit the chinlock. STEPS ON HER HAND, YES. Mr. Perfect rollover snapmare. ABDOMINAL STRETCH YES YES YES Chavo Classic is awesome. Though you likely know that. Chavo grabbing the ropes...right in front of referee Charles Robinson. Okay, that wasn't smart. Robinson argues with Chavo, Jacqueline hiptosses out of the abdominal stretch. However, Chavo manages to regain the advantage against this overwhelming foe with a back suplex. Oh man PUMPHAND...aw Jacqueline slips out, rollup for one. Chavo clothesline ducked, Jackie with what I hope are supposed to be forearms. Chavo irish whip to the corner, charge meets nothing but boot. Jacqueline up to the second rope, kick to the chops, tornado DDT. More forearms, Robinson keeps her at bay while Chavo reels on the ropes. Jacqueline charges, back body dropped onto the apron. Shoulder to the gut, but Chavo Regular pulls her off the apron so she hits it face-first. Thrown back in, one, two three. (02'56") Los Dos Chavos laugh at Jacqueline and Classic poses to the crowd. And gets pantsed. Ha? He's still wearing more than Rene Dupree usually does. Chavo y Chavo are outraged. Order Judgment Day!

Judgment Day - Eddy Guerrero vs. John Bradshaw Layfield! Live This Sunday Only On Pay Per View!

commercials - still more crap. and MVP Baseball, which I approve of.

Kurt Angle is in his office, crippled. "I can't believe Eddy Guerrero disrespected me like that. I'm the General Manager of SmackDown!, nobody does that to me. I was trying to help Eddy, and he just walked away from me. He was just walked away from me, like I was nothing! Well he's not gonna get away with it. I want you to bring Eddy to me right now, or by God, you're gonna take me to him." Luther leaves. "I know what Eddy's up to...and he's not gonna get away with it."

Michael Cole agrees that Eddy Guerrero is crazy. So does Tazz. He meets Bradshaw at Judgment Day! Tazz mentions that when Bradshaw gets here, there may be an explosion. Cole: "Speaking of explosions, the Undertaker goes one-on-one with Booker T at Judgment Day." Tazz seems as confused by this as I am.

LAST WEEK: Booker T kills his career, but apparently raises someone from the dead in the process!

Kurt Angle is being wheeled backstage, crippled. "C'mon hurry up -- there he is, there he is, hurry up. Eddy, Eddy, how DARE YOU walk away from me, Eddy. Do you know who I am? I'm your boss. I'm the boss of everyone in that locker room, including you, and I demand your respect. Now I just caught word that Bradshaw is on his way to the arena, and he's coming to compete, not to have a confrontation with you. If you interfere with his match with Rey Mysterio tonight, I will strip you of the WWE Championship and hand it over to Bradshaw -- TONIGHT, I will do it Eddy, and you know it. And I know you don't want that. So calm down. Cool off. And besides, a lot of people feel that this incident with your mother wasn't even Bradshaw's fault. I mean, come on Eddy, the woman was 76 years old, she has to have a history of heart disease." Eddy gets in Angle's face. "Heart disease?" "Hold on Eddy, listen, listen, I didn't mean anything by it, okay? Eddy, Eddy, I'm a handicap. I'm in a wheelchair. Luther, get me out of here, get me out of here." Luther does so. Eddy is still angry.

commercials - craaaaaaap

TONIGHT: John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Rey Mysterio!

Tazz thinks that match will be a clash of styles. And hey on the phone, it's JBL! "Hey, I'm not just the #1 contender, I am the future of the WWE." Cole and Tazz are confused. "Rey Mysterio is outsized, he is outmatched, and he is outclassed. This is John Bradshaw Layfield, and I'm coming to SmackDown! for one reason tonight, I am gonna make a statement. I am going to dismantle Rey Mysterio, and I'm gonna send a preview to Eddy Guerrero as to what is going to happen to him at Judgment Day." Cole: "Well Bradshaw, where are ya? You here in the arena?" "Hell no, I'm not there in the arena, I'm riding in style as I always do. I am on my cell phone in my limousine, I am a few miles away. I told you I would be there tonight, I will be there tonight, you're gonna see something big happen, I promise you." Tazz: "Well JBL, I gotta bring something to your attention, and that is that Eddy Guerrero got to this arena today at 10 o'clock this morning. So, you know Bradshaw, considering Eddy's state of mind you might wanna tell that limo driver to pull a u-turn and not come here tonight." "Hey, you know what, I'm glad Eddy's been there, you make sure that he stays there just a few more minutes. Y'see, Judgment Day could come a little early. I am gonna be there today, just like I said I'm gonna be there, and if Eddy Guerrero's gonna be there, there could be a little problem, and it will happen, and it will happen the minute I walk in this building, now driver get me to the building." NOW TO THE RING

NUNZIO (already in ring, w/taped arm and ribs) & JOHNNY STAMBOLI (already in ring, w/neck brace) vs. BOOKER T (256, Houston, TX, w/black pouch of voodoo stuff)
Flashback to last Thursday, where the Undertaker demolished the FBI. Booker requested this match to show he is just as good as the Undertaker, according to Michael Cole. The FBI requests a time out, since they are in so much pain. Booker punches Stamboli in the face, and steps on his (hurt) neck. Nunzio breaks it up, but gets a kick to his (hurt) ribs for his efforts. Irish whip, clothesline on Nunzio. Rights to Stamboli, and a stomp. Sidewalk slam on Nunzio. Picks Nunzio up, scoop and a slam. Stamboli getting up, kick to the stomach. Nunzio thrown out of the ring, Booker slowly follows. Nunzio picked up and dropped onto the barricade, then clotheslined in the back. Booker slowly walks back in, Stamboli takes control with punches and kicks. Irish whip, held onto by Booker and turned into a side kick to the face. Irish whip, Harlem Side Kick. Kick to the gut, scissor kick, that's all. (02'35") Poor Nunzio. Who cares about Johnny The Bull, he sucks. Booker T has a mic! "Now, for all you suckas who don't believe, I just proved I'm just as powerful as the Undertaker." He stares at the pouch. "NOW CAN YOU...DIG...THAT..."

BONG. Undertaker's eyes appear on the left TitanTron. BONG, Taker's head on the right one. BONG, now at the top of the rampway. BONG, now heeeere's Paul Bearer. Booker T backs up towards the ring, but it fills with smoke. Aaaaand the Undertaker sits up in the ring. Booker T holds the voodoo pouch out at him as he walks back up the ramp. Where Paul Bearer is, I don't know. Staredown. Taker with the finger across the throat. So insensitive in light of recent decapitations. This is stupid.

commercials - CRAP! And Red Dead Revolver, which I hear is good. And The Godfather, now on DVD!

Viva la rasa, it's Eddy Guerrero coming to the ring! Flashback to 11 days ago, where Bradshaw ruined a touching Guerrero family moment in El Paso. Eddy has a mic! "When I carry this championship, when I wear my WWE Championship, I represent each and every one of you." Yaaaaay! "I represent all the boys in the back. I represent AMERICA, homes." More yay. "Orale ese vato, you call yourself a true American? Nah, man, the way I look at it, a true American doesn't go around and point at everybody and say 'You know what, I have a better life than you, I'm richer.' see no, that's not what America is all about. America is about the land of opportunity. America is about coming here, busting your (ass), working hard, and making something of yourself." Wooooo yay America. "See, I look at all of you, and I look at people that are bound and determined to live life to the fullest, just like I have done. When I look at America, I don't just look at it as my rasa, I look at it as a great big melting pot because see, John, you're a little bit ignorant to what America IS, ese. You think America is based and founded on your blue blood ancestors, and as far as I'm concerned, you got that really mixed up, homes." Pause. "No, ese, this is about your fortitude, intestinal fortitude, and that's exactly what you're gonna have to deal with on Sunday, when you face me eye to eye, ese, 'cuz I'm gonna test your character. I promise you, I'm gonna make you think how much of a man you really are, because when I bring it, I'm gonna bring it to the fullest, bro, I'm gonna kick the living (shit) out of you on Sunday!" Crowd: YAY SHIT! "Now, if you think, ese, that I'm gonna stand here, or I'm gonna wait for Sunday to do something about what you did to MY family, ese, you're full of it. Nononono, ese, no, see, you don't understand something, John. You traumatized my family. You put your hands on a 76 year old defenseless woman. THAT, my friend, is a COWARD. When I wake up in the morning, ever since that happened, John, I gotta face my kids, man, and they keep asking me and they keep saying 'Daddy, Daddy, why didn't you do something to that man that touched Grandma?' Well, honey, it was like this, I was worried about taking care of my mom, but she's a strong woman, John, she's getting better, and she's doing great. The one that's gotta worry about, and that everybody has to worry about, especially your family, is YOU, and see, I don't wanna wait no more homes, I wanna take care of it TONIGHT. So honey, Vicki, I'm telling you this right now, if you're watching this on TV, turn OFF the television, 'cuz I don't want my kids to see the side of me that's gonna come out in about, hm, thirty seconds, when you get your (ass) out here, Bradshaw. And there is NOTHING Kurt Angle can do to stop me, nothing ANYBODY can do to stop me from kicking your (ass) tonight, ese. Let's do what you guys want, and LET'S GET IT ON, c'mon."

ding ding ding ding here's JBL's limo. Eddy goes down to it, the doors are locked. The driver refuses to unlock the door, so Eddy...finds a pipe. Taunting Bradshaw to come out, he doesn't, EDDY SMASHES THE WINDOW. He reaches in, unlocks the door and opens it...no Bradshaw. The driver doesn't know what's going on either. And heeeeere's THE RENO POLICE, OF "RENO 911!" FAME. And Bradshaw's voice. "That's it officer, arrest that man. Arrest him for vandalism and destruction of private property -- MY private property. That is my limousine, I said cuff him. Cuff him like the filthy mongrel that he is, and lock him in a cage. What are you waitin' for? You're the police! Cuff him! Cuff him!" They do so. Eddy: "It's not the first time, homes, and it's not the last." Eddy rules. Now here's the actual JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD, with mic. "That's right, cuff that man. The filthy mongrel, look what he did to my limousine. That is -- hold him back! What are you gonna do, Eddy? What are you gonna do? You wanted to face me, well here I am. What are you gonna do? You need to be deported is what you need to do. I bet your MAMA is real proud of you right now. How's your mama doin', Eddy? How's the old lady doin'? Let him go. What are you gonna do, you've waited for me all this time, what are you gonna do now, Eddy? You're lookin at me, your mama's watchin', what are you gonna do?" Eddy gives up and lets the cops escort him. "That's what I thought, get him outta here." But OH Eddy runs away towards Bradshaw and...tries to attack him with his face? This doesn't really work, as Eddy just kind of keeps getting hit with rights. Eddy tries the face attack again, more rights and thrown to the ground. "You saw it! He attacked me! He attacked me! You saw it, you saw it, you saw it! He attacked me!" Bradshaw rolls into the ring. "I want him arrested for aggravated assault! Get him outta here! You saw it! You're goin' to jail, Eddy! I tell you what officer, let him out Sunday. Let him out Sunday when I win the WWE title from you, essay. And use your phone call to call your mama." Bradshaw raises his hat in the air and waves goodbye to Eddy as we go to break.

commercials - still crap! Oh, and Red Dead Revolver again.

MOMENTS AGO: look up

RICO (w/Miss Jackie & Charlie Haas, 228, Las Vegas, NV) vs. HARDCORE HOLLY (w/Billy Gunn, 234, Mobile AL)
Charlie Haas refuses to walk on the runway. Miss Jackie is wearing a pink and white number to shw off her ass, while Rico is wearing pink and white, but thankfully not showing off his ass. Billy Gunn tries to outgay Rico by doing the double finger point towards Holly, then putting his finger guns back in their "holsters". Holly does the "how do you like me now" hand-raise on the top of the runway, which makes me smirk for a moment. I actually liked Hardcore Holly quite a bit before last week, when it was revealed that it was him who caused this whole Jacqueline thing. Now fuck him, the fuckhead. AT JUDGMENT DAY: These two teams clash! Holly and Gunn do rock-paper-scissors, and Gunn seems disappointed that he lost, even though it's a singles match. Billy Gunn is a shithead. Bell rings, here we go. Rico acts gay. Holly is like "No." Lockup, Holly taken to the corner. Clean break, Rico sizes up Hardcore. In a gay way. Holly jaws at Rico, Rico...prances. Another lockup, arm wringer by Rico, reversed, reversed, Rico with a headlock. Holly turns it into a wristlock, Rico with a go-behind, reversed, Rico bends over. Hahahaha! He's gay! Charlie Haas finds this funny as well. Hardcore Holly does not, and clotheslines Rico. Charlie Haas is angry. Hardcore admonishing Rico again. Lockup, Holly headlock. Rico throws him into the ropes, but Holly comes off with a shoulderblock. Off the ropes again, Rico with an armdrag into an armbar. Holly stands up, pushes Rico by the face into the corner. Clean break, no Holly with some kicks to the gut. Chop. Takes Rico by the hair into the center of the ring, punch. Rico fights back with a kick, throws Holly into the corner. Chop, kick, kick, kick, step onto the second rope, kick to the head. Charlie Haas slaps Miss Jackie on the ass out of celebration because Charlie Haas is awesome. Snapmare, chinlock. Holly fights out of it by punching Rico in the head. Rico charges, hotshot. Lifts up his legs, kick to the...stomach? nuts? what's it supposed to be, anyway? Miss Jackie is distressed. Alabama Slam? No, Rico rolls down, sunset flip, reversed with a bridge by Holly for two. Spin kick to the stomach by Rico, step over the arm, mule kick to the face. Right, irish whip, reversed, Best Dropkick In The Business. Two count. Both men up, superkick by Rico for two. Rico going up top, RANDY ORTON CROSSBODY OF DEATH, Holly rolls through, and that's three. (04'45") Judgment Day! Buy it!

STILL TO COME: A big Texan vs. A tiny Mexican!

commercials - c r a p

SmackDown! is brought to you by a bunch of companies that did not pay me.

JUST ANNOUNCED FOR JUDGMENT DAY: Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie! More like Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie vs. MY GIANT BONER, am I right?

Also at Judgment Day: John Cena vs. Rene Dupree for the U.S. Title! Let us take you back to earlier this week, where Rene Dupree had a "rather controversial" Cafe du Rene:

"[French]. Me and Fifi de French Poodle were just eating some cheese and drinking some fine French wine, discussing the topics. And one of the topics we were discussing was the fact that I haven't felt very welcome since I've come to America. As a matter of fact, I feel that I've been mistreated by you Americans, and why? Because I speak the truth? I speak the truth about your country? I mean, what kind of reaction do I get when I go and perform in front of your American audiences? I get booed. I get booed because you Americans are in denial. You deny the fact that the rest of the world hates you. They can't stand you. Can you blame them? Honestly, do you? I mean, you treat them like second class citizens. You think you're far superior than the rest. Well, last week, I showed one American that he was far less superior than moi."

LAST THURSDAY: Dupree powerbombs Cena through the announcers' table and throws an office chair on him. Neat.

"What's the matter? Think I was too violent? You think I mistreated John Cena? Well that's nothing compared to the abuse that I'm going to show John Cena at Judgment Day. This Sunday, I'm gonna treat John Cena like you Americans treat those poor, innocent Iraqi prisoners. This Sunday, I, Rene Dupree, will become the first Frenchman to ever become United States Champion."

commercials - still crap

"Sin eats away at the soul of society like a ravenous cancer, devouring it until there is nothing left but a black vast hole of despair. And it is out of that black hole I emerge. Ready to punish the wicked, to destroy the unrighteous, to turn each sin against the sinner. And you, the ones that can hear my voice, will be swept away in my fury. Hear me, fear me. My day has come." MORDECAI THIS SUNDAY JUDGMENT DAY

SAKODA (w/Akio, already in ring, Japan [not really]) vs. JOHN CENA (248, West Newbury, MA)
John Cena is on the cover of SmackDown! Magazine with Method Man! Buy it! He's also going to be on Velocity! John Cena gives his jersey to a baby. Circle, lockup. Sakoda with a headlock, thrown into the ropes, shoulderblock goes nowhere. Cena with a shove, Sakoda with a punch, blocked, Cena right, right, right. Irish whip, Sakoda holds on and rolls out of the ring. Cena charges and gets pulled out. Sakoda right blocked, more Cena rights, Sakoda thrown in. And Akio flies off the steps with a kick to Cena's face. Really quickly too, he's good at this. Sakoda goes out, throws Cena back in and gets a two count. Hey, Sakoda's not wrestling in suit pants, boo. Sakoda with mounted punches until referee Charles Robinson complains. Cena picked up, Sakoda with knees to the face. Cena seated in the corner, Sakoda jumps up and steps on his face. Off the ropes, Mankind knee. Sakoda makes the belt motion and yells "I'M DA CHAMP" which is hilarious both because he looks stupid and that this is a non-title match. Two count. Sakoda with a sleeper on the mat. Cena up, elbows to the gut, exchanging rights. Cena gets the advantage, clothesline. Clothesline. Off the ropes, "shoulderblock" where he basically ran into him. You can't see me. Off the ropes, five knuckle shuffle. Pumps up the shoes, Akio slides in...and reconsiders. More pumping. Kick to the gut, F U. That's all (03'22") Akio runs in, kick to the gut, F U onto Sakoda. Cena leaves them some nuts. Ha. Cena also takes a sign out of the crowd telling Rene Dupree to choke on these nuts. The height of comedy.

RAW REBOUND: Shawn Michaels is a madwoman! Eugene gets a victory with a big retarded rollup! Randy Orton cheats to beat Edge! Trish is awesome! Kane is not. Jericho and Christian put on a really good match that needed ten more minutes! Next week: A 20 MAN BATTLE ROYAL FOR THE BADD BLOOD TITLE SHOT!

For the record, those 20 men: 
1. Rhyno 
2. Rob Conway 
3. Sylvain Grenier 
4. Steven Richards 
5. Maven 
6. Johnny Nitro 
7. Garrison Cade 
8. Shelton Benjamin 
9. Rosey 
10. The Hurricane 
11. Christian 
12. Val Venis 
13. Batista 
14. Kane 
15. Chris Jericho 
16. Edge 
17. Randy Orton 
18. Triple H 
19. Ric Flair 
20. Matt Hardy

UP NEXT: Rey Mysterio vs. John Bradshaw Layfield!

commercials - to quote Waylon Mercy, "well, you know"

JOHN BRAD$HAW LAYFIELD (297, New York, NY) vs. REY MYSTERIO (175, San Diego, CA)
Earlier tonight, the aforementioned "Earlier Tonight" happened. Oh, that was "Moments Ago". Whatever. Apparently Mysterio is now a "true test" for someone like Bradshaw. Okay. Bradshaw's all smiley. Mysterio's all...short. Lockup, shove by...well, duh. This is a pretty funny visual, sorry. Lockup, another shove. Slap upside the head, another. Mysterio with a kick to the leg, and a dropkick to the head. Kick to the stomach, irish whip reversed. Big boot ducked, shoulderblock not so much. Picked up, clubbing right, Sean O'Haire Kick To The Spine. Picked up, going for the powerbomb already. Mysterio punches out of it, however. Off the ropes, clothesline ducked and Rey slides outside of the ring. Bradshaw chases Rey around the ring until Rey slides back in, then Rey slides out again and the same happens. Eventually Bradshaw just gives up, tired, and Rey slides back in the ring and does jumping jacks. Awesome. Then he baseball slides Bradshaw in the head. Plancha...caught. Fallaway slam on the outside, ow. Big ol' chop. Rey thrown back in, Bradshaw slides in after. Stomp. Rey taken to the corner, knee, punch to the head, another, and a stomp. Vertical suplex...held aaaaand down. Kick to the head. Knee to the back in the corner. Scoop and a slam, elbowdrop. Another elbowdrop. Could it be? YES, Bradshaw with the TORTURE RACK OF DOOM. Bradshaw kind of rules. Rey fights out, off the ropes...shoulderblock. Stomp. Picked up, another clubbing right. Shitty right hands in the corner. Chop, clubbing right. Pumphandle? Yes. Wasn't that his finisher at one point, or am I wrong? Like, back in the Justin "Hawk" Bradshaw days. Rey put on top, forearm and chops. Right caught, Rey with some rights of his own, tornado DDT! Slowly up, dropkick to the ass, into the ropes...619! Bradshaw slowly up, West Coast Pop ducked. And Rey turns around to get his knocked off with a big boot. And get thrown out of the ring. And thrown into the steps. Bradshaw breaks the count, and...(06'51"). Oh, that's Rey getting thrown headfirst into the timekeeper's table and subsequently getting kicked in the head. Rey into the table and into Michael Cole, and thrown back over it to ringside. And now thrown back into the ring. What a dick! Rey picked up, irish whipped, vicious clothesline in the corner. Raises an arm to the crowd, powerbomb spinefirst into the corner. That probably hurt. Bradshaw loosening up the arm, off the ropes, CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL! Goodnight. (08'40") Replays show the powerbomb and the clothesline. When we come back from them, Bradshaw has his awesome hat on, as well as a mic. "Cut my music! Make no mistake, I don't give a damn about Eddy Guerrero's mother. That old lady was lucky enough to be alive when Eddy became WWE Champion. If she makes it to Sunday, odds are she'll have another heart attack when I beat - the living - hell - out of Eddy. And if she dies, SHE DIES, because this isn't ABOUT Eddy's mother. This is about ME and the WWE CHAMPION. This is about MY PLACE, MY MEETING WITH DESTINY. When I say I do, and what John Bradshaw Layfield wants, John Bradshaw Layfield gets. Eddy Guerrero, you made this personal, so I tell you whut, essay, I will personally guarantee victory at Judgment Day...for me." Bradshaw lifts up his hat and smiles as we fade to black.

Well, that was alright. I guess. So, Judgment Day:

The debut of MORDECAI: Well, at least Paul London may get to be on PPV.

RICO/CHARLIE HAAS vs. BOB HOLLY/BILLY GUNN: Well, this might be decent. But they'll probably give them 20 minutes to kill time, so it won't be.

REY MYSTERIO/ROB VAN DAM vs. THE DUDLEY BOYZ: This is probably your match of the night. And wasn't this last week's SmackDown! main? Or did it not take place? I forget, which probably says it all.

TORRIE WILSON vs. DAWN MARIE: The only interesting thing about this is that it might still be better than...

JOHN CENA vs. RENE DUPREE: Both these guys are charismatic and all, but...uh...no. Cena will use his awful offense, and Dupree will be all like "Look at ze wang of RENEDUPREH" and it'll be awful and probably go 15 minutes too long.

CHAVO GUERRERO vs. JACQUELINE: Okay, so one of three things can happen:

1) Chavo wins clean, rendering this angle pointless except to kill his heat.

2) Chavo wins via cheating, so your cruiserweight champion can't cleanly beat a girl. Who can't beat, like, Molly Holly, or whoever else she's lost to on Heat.

3) Jacqueline wins, thus leaving...nowhere to go from here. Except for probably beating Jamie Noble, because that's the kind of stupid thing they would do.

In conclusion, fuck this match.

UNDERTAKER vs. BOOKER T: I really don't care about this. At all.

EDDY GUERRERO vs. JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD: Okay, first of all, Bradshaw has been awesome in this role. He's done a really good job of making me forget that, well, he's freaking BRADSHAW. And really, him beating the holy hell out of Funaki on Velocity did more to make him credible than anything else, in my eyes. I mean, I can now almost see Bradshaw winning, which...I don't know if it speaks to how good he is in this role, or how much Eddy's been weakened. It's really just that I'm not sure what they're do for the Great American Bash if Eddy went over clean here, unless they somehow did a rematch or...what. But me liking Bradshaw as much as I do, it would still pretty much kill SmackDown! if he won the title, even if I personally wouldn't mind it as long as Eddy won it back next month. So, I guess Eddy goes over here with some kind of cheating (of course) to lead to a rematch next month that ends with Eddy winning much cleaner. I hope. So as for the actual match. Maybe this is just my newfound Bradshaw love, but until now I've been thinking that this match may not disappoint. It could be a surprisingly good if not great main, like that HHH-Nash Hell In A Cell at...whatever PPV that was. And I actually enjoyed the Rey match tonight. However, I didn't do justice to the pauses for breath that Bradshaw had in his post-match promo. And considering they might go 20-30 minutes at the PPV, well, that's not good. So...well, I'm not sure what I think. It's not as if anyone who wasn't going to order this PPV suddenly WILL, but I'm holding out hope that this won't suck, because I quite frankly like the John Bradshaw Layfield character. And really, it's better than Kane.

SO. That's it. I might be back next week, depending on whether or not I feel like doing all that transcribing. We'll see.

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