To: Carlos Beltran
From: Me
STOP IT ALREADY. You’re the greatest player in the freaking world, okay, I get it.
Also, I hear the AL’s a great place to play! You totally want to to sign back over there next season. Houston’s icky and has awful uniforms and a stadium with a changing name and who really wants to put up with all that? You shouldn’t have to. And the hill! Do you really want to deal with the hill on a full time basis?
C’mon, you know the Yankees will give you lots of money. Red Sox too. In fact, they’d probably give you even more if you go to them right this instant. You should demand a trade today!
In the meantime, can you take it easy on us? Or at least do the same to other teams?
Thanks.